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Uncommon sense ~ How to suicide ~ Waiting for death

Clock on wrist (photoshop)Life isn't a choice, life happens and you live it. Death may be, but sometimes it's up to our body'swill, even against your own. If that happens, then you can simply wait for death, enjoying your time as much as you can... and:

Throw everything that makes you wish you were dead away.

As much as I wanted to die, my survival instinct wanted to live much harder. I couldn't even attempt no matter how hard I tried. My body took over my will and mobility, I felt trapped in my own body, like a prison for the crime of being born. Now I look at it as my protected and it makes me happy, but society is still hell to me.
Life isn't a choice, life just is. For me death isn't an option. So all I can do is wait it out until it is. Apparently, as long as it's not my time, I'm immortal. I survived pains that killed many.

The irony is that the reason why I have such a powerful survival instinct is precisely because I suffered so much. I've felt in danger from abuse, violence and bullying... As twisted as it sounds, and as much as it took away my will to live, it trained my body to fight, to struggle, to be strong. And when I finally allowed myself to do it... the violence ended because I wasn't a docile and easy victim anymore.

Waiting for death, I don't mean to endure suffering. I threw everything that tortured me away except my very life. Now when I'm assaulted, I choose the other option: I want to kill. The mere glare of my resolve and convictions is enough to scare away even people twice my size. Many would probably call it being psychotic. I look at it as the will to be safe.

I tried to be perfect at all cost... but it ripped my very being apart. The closer you go to the light, the bigger your shadow grows... I accomplished more than was humanly possible and fell so sick for it... and never been more abused because I made it so easy. It's be allowing myself to find balance again, by welcoming my dark side and flaws back into my whole, by accepting myself, that I improved: by becoming more evil.

My body won't allow me to die, but he'll protect myself with the same strength. I am grateful.

For years, looking forward to the next Spiderman movie kept me going. Eventually I've accepted that the joy of living is adding up many small enjoyable moments, not killing ourselves trying to accomplish the impossible, the perfect, the inhuman.

I threw away the hope of having a lover, because my future husband hit me, and all the ones I met claimed to use me as a sperm toilet after merely 1h of meeting me...

I threw away my friends because they used me as a dumping ground for their problems and sucked my energy to continue to enjoy more than they could bear, but they made me swallow their shit instead to deal with it. But when it was time to have fun, they wouldn't share it with me.

I threw away my family, because their impossible expectations were there only to justify using me as a punching bag, but failing is hard enough without psychological and physical violence... When I explained them that I worked 100h a week and now I'm so sick that I can't even walk, they told me that I deserve to suffer. I trash them all, no one deserve to be barely able to breathe, especially not as a reward for trying too hard!

I threw away my dreams, but they found me... I wanted to do medical research, then to play it safe I wanted to do 3D animation; but I don't have the skills or the money. As my health fell into the pit of hell, I did medical research and saved myself. I was fainting in the middle of the streets, but doctors kept saying that I was in depression. I said that it doesn't make sense, I'm exhausted but my mood is okay. I wanted to be a humorist, so I gave them a couple of jokes... "Oh dear god you have a personality disorder." I wasn't fainting because I was sad or lazy!!!? Blaming my very emotions and personality as being the diseases, no wonder people want to kill themselves when they're depressed... because they are SICK and instead to be given ways to care for themselves, they are invalidated... Since it's not a matter of good will or kicking your ass hard enough... all that's left seems to be death... but actually the new beginning I found is in my section Adrenal Fatigue.

I have committed a social suicide, with no lovers, no family, no children because I was too sick to even care for myself, and no friends... not even my health.

But then I threw away everything I knew... about medicine, about mental health, drugs, and the way I'm supposed to eat... about everything that's supposed to be good or bad for me... everything that I'm supposed to do... all my values...

Then... I was reborn, without actually drying... but at first it felt worst than death, before a much better beginning started.

I am grateful for all this suffering, if it was necessary to see beyond all the abusive lies that we're told... and finally center myself on my well being, instead to act like a slave.

I threw away everything, the only thing that I have is my life.

The only thing I'm able to do is enjoy myself the best I can while the flow of time passes...

I'm probably going to outlive many people... ironically...

I didn't have to throw my very life away, only what people tried to force me to do with it for their own benefit, at the peril of my own well being...

There are days when I am happy to be alive, and others, like today, I wish it could just end already... I’m tired… but all I can do is rest, take care of myself... and wait...

You have free will... if you want to alter the flow of time itself, you can try, and try again... but if you fail at death... then I guess it means that you succeed at life after all.

Quote from the article "How to mend a broken spirit" at livestrong:
Focus on the present moment. You can't predict the future and you can't change the past, so focus on each moment as it comes. This practice, called mindfulness, can help you become peaceful and content. "Being mindful means that we suspend judgment for a time, set aside our immediate goals for the future and take in the present moment as it is rather than as we would like it to be"

They have other steps, you can try that and healing your body with nutritious vitamin C, or you can try to die...

Either way, enjoy~

Next: Wrist slitting

Lisa Of Shades
Added: 2 November 2013
Right to be ©razy 2013 and beyond!