Bananapoop ~ The "How to be less stupid" tutorial ~ This is not a banana tree!

Humor ~ Shad Wolf ~ Anger 1

Shad Wolf, the black wolf, has a bad temper.

I'm dark and asocial like a wild animal; I had the honor to meet really nice people, but they are the precious exceptions that confirm the rule.

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Pikachu speak
Unreasonable demands
Cat gift
Mod muzzles
Actions are more than empty words
Pokémon friendship

Pikachu speak

*l33t* What are you saying? *l33t* Why would I pick a shoe?Wolves don’t wear shoes. And why only one? *smileys* I lost my appetite.

Shad Wolf's anger ~ Pikachu ~ l33t netspeak chatspeak lazy shortcuts smiley

l33t, netspeak, chatspeak, cell phone shortcuts... I can't understand them, and I don't want to have that ability. I prefer to make efforts to communicate properly and preserve the richness of the language.

netspeak definitions from urbandictionary:

An easy way to determine the IQ of the person you are talking to over the Internet. See chatspeak.
Person 1: howz r u 2day!!!!!!!111
Person 2: IQ is 41.

A sure sign of stupidity.
OMG!!!1 UR so kewl! LOLOL!!!!!!1

I don't think the people are necessarily stupid but it sure does make them look that way. It hurts my brain trying to decipher it even though I'm good at figuring out IQ test puzzles. But I don't like people who choose to put their efforts into making something look like crap, on purpose. And if it's truly easier on them, it makes it harder on me, how is that a fair trade?

Someone saw me be very affectionate to my friends and wanted a piece of that; as if I was some sort of endless water well where you can shit as much as you want and then it's still tasty. No one is like that.

All I had before meeting my friends was a very deep fear and a very deep anger. The only reason why I was even able to give them something very warm is because they stood by me when I couldn't and poured theirs in my heart until it overflowed.

To have someone demand to same treatment as people who came in my hell to be by my side, to want the rewards without even be willing to make the effort to write "yo" before U... It angers me.

My energy is limited, especially since my body isn't able to make much because my endocrine system is damaged. It's not easy to make choices to push people away, but I can't acknowledge someone who go out of their way to stabs my eyes as being a part of me.

I don't want to be like that person, but I couldn't even if I wanted to. We become the people that we choose to allow in our world, from their influence and because they become a part of it, a part of me.

I don't feel cared about when I asked someone to stop something that hurts my brain, make me feel like I'm not worth the most basic effort and disrespected... and they keep doing it.

Someone can find excuses to do crap just as easily as they can find a reason to give their best.

I'm an angry blood thirsty monster, if they want my best, they can't earn it by giving me the worse.

That's just insulting to me and to the people who are special to me.

I could be acquaintance, or maybe even friends with someone like that. But becoming my most trusted and cherished friend... when you won't even give me the most basic cares... you must be kidding me. And I'm not laughing. When I lose my appetite, you know that the shit just hit the fan.

So have fun with your crap pikachu speak, with other people who aim at the same level, but all I have to reciprocate to you is a pile of crap.

I can't have a meaningful and deep conversation with a smiley. You need to do your share to build wonders with someone.

I tried, giving without receiving the same in return, but all that it did is drain me of all my light until I had nothing left. There's no goodness left in me to abuse, no sanity left to twist, no more heart to break... and when that happened, as much as it hurt, it was very liberating.

I am only as wonderful as the person that I'm with.

I return what is given to me, no matter if it makes me grateful or vengeful. With the intensity that characterizes me. Yes, I am very affectionate... when people who earned my trust are affectionate to me. But I am also able to be very sad, very afraid and very angry. You can't have one without the others, because it's my whole being and heart that is intense and I'm not limited to only the emotion that is most convenient to you.

I only became very happy because people had the courage to reach and stay by my side when I was very in pain.

They deserve the best in me, not because they whined to get it, but because they're the ones who put it there.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2015

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Unreasonable demands


Shad Wolf's anger against unreasonable demands ~ NO!

It's pointless to argue with controlling people who have no respect for your free will from the start. They don't see the error of their ways by being explained your point of view if the problem in the first place is that they have no respect for it whatsoever.

Saying no then ignoring them denies them power and prevent you from wasting energy that you could use on people who are good friends, instead of unredeemable assholes.

Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2015

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Cat gift

(I'll write the text for the keywords after because it's long.)

Shad Wolf's anger ~ hunger ~ gift ~ Everybody loves cats ~ Hurting cats for cuteness

Girl: “Look what I have for you! A cute little kitty!”
Cat: “Mew!?”
Wolf: “Wow! Thanks!!!”

Wolf: “CHOMP!"
Girl: "SHRIEK!”

Wolf: “*Chews* Hmmm~ crunchy!” (Crunch Crunch Crunch)

Wolf: “*Chokes* Cough! Wheeze... wheeze...”
Girl: "?”

Wolf: “COUGH!”
Girl: “SHRIEK!”

Wolf: “The hair ball was a bit hard on my throat, but he was tasty. Thanks!”
Girl: “BARF!”
Cat: (He turned into an angelic ghost and ascends to cat-heaven.)

Everybody loves cats. But not the same way. What else did you expect by giving a kitten to a hungry wolf? You should have thought about the cat’s safety sooner... But I’ve appreciated the meal!

The comic is about the people who post "cute" distressed cat pictures or videos on my wall.

I also made another poster in my Demotivational ~ Animals page, with more obvious sad eyes.

Most of the time, I don’t like cat photos. But it’s not because wolves are canine like dogs and cats are their rivals. It’s because the people who take pictures or make movies of cats in “cute” situations are often oblivious to the animal’s distress, fear and pain.

I can tell because I can instinctively recognize emotions from people’s eyes... and because I bother looking!

I scored very high on an emotional intelligence (Emotional Quotient EQ) test:
Test your social intelligence!
at "Test how well you can read emotions of others just by looking at their eyes."

I still don't do well in groups though... but most animals seem to like me.

I’m also an empath; I can feel people’s emotions as my own (it’s hell), but animals too because they are people with an intellect and emotions too. I’m also sensitive to plants... and even machines. My computer doesn’t sound the same when he overheats and I just can’t bear the thought of trashing my old loyal friend.

So when people post images of videos of cats being tortured in the name of cuteness, no... I don’t like it. I feel awful for the cat. Maybe because of guilt... I can’t be trusted with pets that can wake me up screaming when I’m sleep deprived, or harass me when I’m hungry. That’s one of the reasons why I breed guppy fishes and have a betta now.

But I’ve never found cute the act of harming an animal.

Just because he’s alive doesn’t mean that he’s not scared to death. In a way, it’s kinda worse if he’s still alive to feel distress. I don’t mind eating animal, as long as they have a good life and don’t suffer long when they die. I have to eat. But you can take photos and make videos of cute stuff and cats without putting them in a scary and harmful situation. Loving owning cats and loving THE cat are two complete different things.

Enjoy cats responsibly.

Enjoy the Vegetables & chicken soup recipe that she ate, it's too delicious to vomit.

Lisa Of Shades
30 April 2015

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Mod muzzles

Evil. An attack may be a defense to prevent an even greater evil. A rule that exists only to rule has no purpose. It’s oppression.

Shad Wolf anger ~ mod abuse ~ muzzle spay neuter dog ~ wolf freedom


Mod: I’ll muzzle and leash you. You did nothing wrong but it’s for my own good. I can’t keep up with you.

(The moderator said that my posts weren't wrong, I just replied too many friends, and to talk to less people per day. WHAT!??? I go every 3 days, have a handful of best friends, and don't go in the forums. If they can't keep up with so little, when I could reply everyday and many threads too, they should hire more people or fire the incompetents.

Wolf: What!? No! I won’t be able to talk with my friends! I’ll suffocate.


Mod: I’ll also spay/neuter you. I can’t allow more people like you.

(He said that I did nothing wrong, but if more people try to follow my friendly example, they could end up spamming instead. Why should I be punished for what OTHERS haven’t even done yet!!!)

Wolf: *Whimpers!?* Stay away! I’m warning you.


Wolf: “CHOMPS!*

Mod: *SHRIEKS!?* Normal obedient dogs don’t do this!


ZombieQueen : Bad wolf! You’re scaring the poor mod!

(I understand that she sent me to her mod friend to help me, and I care about her feelings. But it doesn't change the fact that he said really stupid threatening things!)

Mod: Yeah! I was just trying to help (myself).

(There was nothing in the rules that could possibly justify his opinions. He just couldn't keep up with me.)

Wolf: ME!??? I’m fighting to be with my friends! ...for YOU!

(I was protecting my rights... to be with my friends. Because it's the only reason why I post on a forum. It hurts me that she thought that I shouldn't defend myself. Just because it's her friend, just because he's good to her, doesn't mean that he can't be wrong about certain things and an asshole with other people.)

I refused to be punished for:
Who I am.
Defending myself.
What OTHERS haven’t even done YET.

I return what is given to me. If it makes me grateful or vengeful is entirely up to you.

If a customer entrust you with their needs and you can’t keep up, either hire more employees or fire the incompetent ones. But don’t punish the customer when he’s doing NOTHING WRONG but use your services for their intended purposes!!!

I’m a good example. And punishing me for what OTHER people haven’t even done YET... that nonsense deserves to be shredded.

If your job is too much for you, QUIT. Don't make the people who do their job right quit because they make you look bad!

I don’t follow rules, I follow the logical purpose of rules. If a rule can’t be explained, if it has no purpose, only for blind control, then I DON’T FOLLOW IT! Anyone who wants to reassure his ego by crushing mine will be bitten. But if you pet me I’ll do almost anything for you.

A rule that exists only to rule has no purpose. It’s oppression.
I shall bite the hand that tries to enforce it.

Enjoy, instead of futilely attempting to control, and you'll have more fun.
Lisa Of Shades
29 May 2015

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Actions are more than empty words

(The text is below)

Shad Wolf anger ~ actions are more than empty words. You are no good to me.

Girl: Ouch, how could you. I trusted and loved you. You're so unkind and hurtful to me now.

Cold robot: You are wrong, I am a good person. I'm good to my favorite friends.

Girl: I'm so sad that I'm not one of them anymore. I missed you. I feel abandoned and not worth your time.

Cold robot: I'm still as good. You are just being out of your mind. I'll fix that for you.

You can be a good person and a good friend to other people. But if you don't show it to me, if you're even mean to me, then: You are no good to me. If you can't admit this obvious fact and refuse to even see that I'm hurt for a reason... Then my feelings will never reach you, you'll never stop hurting them, so I cannot trust you.

(UPDATE: Instead to finally understand that all I ever wanted was to love him. He ordered me to take all my art of him off my site, and threatened to really hurt me.

He told me that he's an ex soldier who killed people so I can't take his threats lightly if he decides to obsess over me and go to war to destroy me. I reported him to the site's authority and even called the cops for information. I'm not going down without defending myself with everything I've got.

I guess I reached the right conclusion when I thought that he only care about his ego and won't hesitate to hurt the people who love him on purpose to defend it instead of them.

With this comic, I was merely trying to express my hurt feelings. If he doesn't want people to see how cruel he is, then he shouldn't have been to me in the first place. It's not slander when it's true. It's a fair warning to his next unsuspecting victim.

I'm paying for this site to express myself the way I need to. While I could do almost anything for my friends, he's not one of them, to act like that, he never was and I only loved a lie. So I owe him nothing, certainly not favors. All I have to return to him is a whole lot of pain, he can't possibly hurt my heart more than he already did, I feel nothing for him anymore, not even hatred.

I just want to move on. I should have when I first noticed that he completely forgot about me. I should have trusted my instincts, instead to tell him that I miss him... He made me feel so sad and miserable with his carelessness, why did I even miss someone like that. He gave me more attention when I tried to leave than when I was suffering from missing him, either way all he does is to hurt me and I don't need that in my life.

Or anyone who's not acting like a friend, no matter how much they claim to be.)

Does this really look like kindness and friendship to you!!!?


If there's someone out of his mind in that story, it's not me. Well, I am crazy, but I'm very lucid. That's actually why I became mad, there's just so much bullshit you can bear, without looking away and without denial, before you snap and start laughing uncontrollably at dark and weird stuff. It's a coping mechanism. But my feelings are very real, and my capacity to have opinions should be respected, even if you don't agree.

Otherwise it's way too degrading, it's refusing to acknowledge that I'm even an individual, as if I was a thing instead of a person. It's utterly unacceptable. Ever. At least when you fight your enemy you recognize his dissimilar existence, free will and strength.

But what he did was dismissive, proving my fears: my feelings, thoughts and entire being are meaningless to him. I wasn't hurt from the neglect, but because of the reason behind the neglect: he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't even care about my wellbeing, he even went out of his way to hurt me even more instead to come to comfort me by simply showing that he cares about my feelings and thoughts. He expressed the very opposite of kindness and friendship. So cruelly that reasonable doubt is no longer logical. If he did it while loving and caring about me... it's even worse... it makes him even more worthless. At least if he hated me, said so and acted according to it, he'd be a trustworthy enemy. But his actions are too contradictory with his words; I can't trust him at all. He can't even respect his own words; I'd be a fool to expect any respect. He sure didn't give me any, only empty promises of kindness. But forgetting about me in time of joy and hurting me when I need him the most. That's as worthless as it gets.

But worse, destroying the happiness and peace with my real friends by shitting all over our sanctuary… That's unforgivable. Attacking me to defend his ego and claiming that it's by kindness for my own good. He disgusts me. I hate people who blind themselves with righteousness so much that they can't see a friend in pain or the evil that they cause. If you refuse to hear and see, then you're a lost cause. If you really love but refuse to see that you give hatred... and refuse to stop because you had good intentions even though the results are the exact opposite, refusing to learn how to properly connect with the other person... you're to blame, not the way people's heart works. Not their individuality that you refuse to acknowledge... but refusing to love what's there and trying to impose a false ideal of love instead!

All I wanted was to feel wanted and cared about. Clearly, I am not. If he can't admit that because that would bruise his ego for not being a good friend, I can face the truth, even if I have to claw my own heart out to be free from hurtful lies!!!

I refuse to stay in ignorant bliss. I'll leave to build true magnificence with cooperative people, I can't build a relationship alone, waiting after good intentions without actions, for something that will never be more than an ideal. I'd rather have something real, even if it hurts! But hell, it doesn't have to. It doesn't with my real friends, not even when we are apart or argue, because there's always consideration and respect. So he's clearly not one of them. Because all I felt from him in the end was hurtful. I don't need that kind of "love" and I won't nurture such a heartless thing.

In wolf language what I said sounded more like "Rowr rowr *rips you to shreds* rowr!" but that's what I was trying to say.

Liking somebody isn't about being right or wrong, it's about feeling good or not. I don't think I like him anymore. All I feel about him is pain, and soon I won't even feel that anymore. I'm not the kind of person who stays with anybody and in pain from fear of loneliness; I'm never truly alone, because I'm a person too. I am there for myself. I want a relationship where we'll share each other. He's unwilling to open up to give or even receive; clinging to someone like that can only bring disappointment and misery.

I verified his intentions and feelings long enough, it's so obvious now that it's time to let go. Even if he still claim that it's kind friendship… He can choke on his denial for all I care. I deserve better, but screw what I deserve. I WANT better. And I'll find someone who'll be willing to share it, to welcome it and give it back… oh and guess what, I already have many wonderful people like that! It's too bad that he's not one of them, but it's his loss, really. He chose other people. Good for him. But I refuse to be a spare, lonely in the cold dark trunk, waiting… That's not right. I won't agree to this any longer. He can't see how hurtful it is to me because it's convenient to him, he also thought that attacking me to defend his ego was kindness, because it made him feel good so it had to be good for me too. God forbid that I have different needs, feelings and thoughts than his righteous ones! Asshole. All he showed me is that he's the kind of people that I despise. If I was wrong and he cares for me after all... at this point it no longer matters.

I see no value in his close minded heart.

And even if I'm wrong again, if the best food in the world tastes like dog shit to you, it's going to be very hard to swallow. I don't think adding salt is going to help in his case, unless I throw it in his eyes and make a run for it.

I have so much to say about that event... but if the picture doesn't make it obvious, thousands of words won't.

Claiming to be good friends and to be kind is nothing but empty words if the actions are the opposite.

If you love but you give hatred, then it makes no difference whether you love me or not. Wait, it does: it's WORSE!

My heart is still frozen, being attacked by my own pack and needing to kill my own people was traumatic.

If you love me but all you do is treat me with indifference and hatred, then your love is worthless, it's poison. Even if I love you, even if I'm wrong, because if your presence make me feel utterly miserable, if letting you know hoping to improve our relationship together only brings me more pain, then you've got to go. Even if I want you, even if it breaks my heart. That's self respect, that's survival.

The morale of the story is... good will and even love aren't enough to make a relationship work. You have to work at it. Results matter. Balancing honesty with respect matter. Without trust nothing can blossom.

Enjoy~ If you don't, run for your life. Get rid of the threat by any means necessary before he destroys you and taint everything truly good around you. Protect your true good friends who are by standing victims. If you can't let go for yourself... do it for them. Do it to be able to be in a good mood for them. Don't reward a faker who only care about his righteous ego to have the same rewards as people who genuinely care about your well being, or you'd be dishonoring them. Stop wasting your energy fighting the people who don't want you, who don't care to hurt you, and use it to express gratitude for the people who do.

My friend Optimus thought that I was acting on a whim out of selfish neediness... But I felt that something was off from the start.

He didn't return my affection, he never hugged me back. He claimed to be kind and he said kind words... but it's as if his heart wasn't behind it... as if he had none. I felt no warmth. Yes I could see the kindness... but it felt cold...

I thought that it was just the way he was, he was a robot after all, he's been to war so maybe his heart just froze.

But then I saw him with his new lover, his passion was hotter than the flames of hell... that's when I finally understood... he just never loved me, he might not even have liked me.

He was so greedily obsessed with her that he couldn't see me even when I was right in front of him... he didn't come to say hello even when I made the art that he requested. He claimed that he didn't have the time... but it's the will and heart that he didn't have. He chose to give all his available time to his lover and found me so insignificant by comparison that he gave me none. That made him a better lover, but a worse friend.

Instead to be honest with me and tell me that he want to celebrate his honeymoon, but that he still care about me even if he'd like to spend his time with her now... instead to tell me that I'm welcome to go to him... he mocked my feelings... and when I wouldn't believe his bullshit, he insulted my mind.

The worst part of being treated so heartlessly is that he called it kindness. He said that even if we don't talk for years we're friends just the same. Oh yeah? Try to do that with your lover, you won't last a second. He says that he misses her constantly even when she's right there, instead to carry her in his heart and appreciate the moment... he's blinded by greed... he lost himself, he lost sight of his friends... he couldn't even see that I was in pain while I was crying in front of him... he just dismissed me claiming to be wonderful. The more he claimed that he didn't have the time, when I saw him online, the more he was actually telling me that he don't think that I'm worth his time. We all have the same amount of hours during the day, we choose what we do with it. He chose to give it all to his lover, which is logical... But then when your friends miss you... the least you can do is appreciate the love... instead to mock it.

He tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel that way, and after he's been so cruel, he did. I no longer miss him. I'm even glad that he stays away.

He didn't have the time to come to thank me for spending hours on his art, or to say hello and that he still cares about me... but he had the time to come to tell me that I'm wrong to refuse to believe in the kindness and friendship of another friend who utterly ignored me for months and spat on my offer of friendship, on my cares, on my love...

He came to defend her because he was doing the same to me. He came to defend his ego. His pride was more important than my wellbeing. Even though I had just cause, and even if I didn't... his friend was hurt, his friend lost trust... his friend was heart broken... his friend missed him... his friend loved him...

And his idea of kindness was to tell me that I'm just out of my mind.

To still consider someone like that a friend... yes, I guess I was.

I can say that I'm crazy all I want... but my friends cannot dismiss my thoughts as being worthless.

Because the reason why I am so insane... is because I can feel and see the harshest truth, I can't cover it up with wishful thinking and denial... I see the world for what it is, I see the deepest corners of people's heart, I can know when the actions don't fit with the words, I can know when kind words aren't sincere, I can feel the difference between a cold and warm heart... I can see the hatred and disdain that people try to cover up to look nice and avoid conflict... I am an empath... and if you saw what I saw... if you felt what I feel everyday... you'd go mad too.

What I saw in him is that his kindness doesn't matter because he doesn't want to take the time to show it to me, and when he does... it's heatless cruelty.

He didn't have the time to love and comfort me, but he had the time to mock me and beat me down.

I wrote:

"Those who harmed me, ZombieQueen and Optimus, you disrespected me and rejected my feelings long enough. Being unwilling to bother sharing friendship with me was already too hurtful, but your last presence on my wall got in the way of sharing peace and joy with my real friends. That's as bad as you can possibly get. If that's kindness to you, if that's being a best friend to you, then you are not needed.

Those two broke my trust. Not by giving me less than I wanted, but by giving me less than what they pretended to share and feel. I have a limited time too; I want to spend it with people who truly appreciate my company.

They claimed to give me quality, kindness and the best friendship... but my true friends showed me how it really feels.

Caring about being a caring person isn't the same as actually caring for people. One is for their own ego; the other is for the person's well being. One is cold, the other is warm. When I told them that they weren't acting like friends and that I was sad about it; they attacked my feelings and mind, to defend their self righteous pride, instead to show me that they do care. That's as cold as it gets. That's not true kindness. It's empty. The caring give apologies, but the guilty give excuses. I see no honesty in them. I see absolutely no worth in this. My heart is so weary of bullshit that if everyone treated me the way they did, I would never come back."

I am vindictive... but it's not that I don't want to forgive a friend... there is just no friend to forgive.

Maybe the fact that he was cold with me wasn't just his failure as a friend, but mine too for being unable to win his trust and love the way his lover did... But even if forgetting his friends made him a better devoted lover, it makes him a lesser person.

Enjoy friendship while you still can, because after letting your pet starve for too long, it could be long dead, and if you beat him up for begging for a hug... he'll attack you, burry you in the garden, and leave. Even if he weeps every steps of the way.

I am vindictive... but it's not that I don't want to forgive a friend... there is just no friend to forgive.

My motto is "return what is given to you no matter if it makes you grateful or vengeful".

If he doesn't like the fact that I abandon him for the sake of people that I love more, I don't like it either, but then he shouldn't have given such mistreatment to me, because that's all I have to give him back. That and being utterly ignored, not by lack of time, but by lack of will from a heart that is filled with way better people. I do think that his girlfriend is better than me, I also think that she's better than him.

The irony is that she gave me more kindness than he did, she was there for me when I was hurt, she even listened to me with compassion when I bashed her own lover! She gave me everything that he claimed to give as a best friend but did not... Even though she had just cause to hate me and want me gone as a rival for his time... even though women are usually use their emotional brain more than their rational one, she stayed reasonable, didn't lose self control, she didn't let her love blind her to everything and everybody else... she gave me, as a stranger, more kindness and love than my own best friend.

She gave me more warmth than he ever did. She made him look bad by comparison, but he made himself look bad when he only came to tell me that I'm wrong and stupid... When I never gave him a single reproach, I simply noticed that he has no place for me and backed off, suffering in silence... All I had for him was longing and love. Not anymore.

I hoped to be friends with his girlfriend so we could all be happy together... but we can't always get what we want, especially when we want everything. If all I have left is her, I think the exchange was actually an improvement. She's awesome.

She amazed me so much when I saw her. She's dark and strong, composed in an intimidating manner, but with a deep respect that makes her a true noble. QueenSuccubus is the embodiment of my new moral ideal.

I've seen angel be kind for kindness itself, and refuse to see that they did more harm than good because they never did it for the people, so they didn't even care if they made them feel worse, to them only their ideal of kindness mattered, they imposed their own selfish views of "it's for your own good" on people who only wanted understanding and compassion... and freedom... and they killed in the name of goodness... Angels, people claiming to be good and kind, so focused on their own righteousness ego that they can't even see the truth and damage they cause... are the true evil in this world... you can't reason with someone who refuse to hear, you can show the mistake of their ways to someone who refuse to see. Their head is in heaven, not grounded on hearth, not in reality.

When I understood that, I stopped wanting to BE an angel, and focused on actually giving good, instead to merely try to be good... but sometimes for that you have to be evil to protect what matters... from an even greater evil.

Demons aren't scared to open their eyes in the dark... they can see that a howling wolf is just calling his friends, not threatening to kill. They can dare to look at the negative, they can dare to look at people's pain, they can welcome people who've been tainted by suffering without rejecting them as unholy.

Demons know they are bad, so they don't mind admitting their wrongs... and if their goal is good, they will rectify it. Demons don't cause harm just for fun, mindless insecure people seeking power do. But demons know their own selves, you can't master others unless you learn to control yourself. And once you do, once you know your own strength, you feel so safe and confident that controlling people is no longer a need.

There are much more efficient ways to obtain what we want from people than trying to claw it out of them like forceful assholes. They will always resist you. But if you truly know people, if you truly bother to look at them, and choose to welcome their whole selves and not just if they fit in a narrow idealized ideal of perfection... if you love someone for their darkness, if they are free to share everything that they are with you... if they feel appreciated, respected and loved... they will gladly give everything they are, everything they have, and won't be able to leave you... I know I do when someone do something so great for me.

Because that's actually a true bond, that's true friendship. Not to make it look good... not to make ourselves look good... but to connect at the very core... to truly share something good that makes us both happy, even if it looks bad to others. That's what true love is. Us as allies against the torments of world. Your genitals don't need to match for that, they're not even required to fuse together, but the compatibility of who you are as people matters, and you can't force that, you can only welcome it or go look somewhere else.

You can't bond deeply with your whole being if you only ask people to give half of themselves, only the good and reject the bad... everyone has both. Demanding that they pretend to be having a good day, when they don't and need your support, because you don't want to be bothered... it's freaking cruel and the opposite of caring.

You can't do that safely behind an armor... you can't do that on a pedestal... and you sure can't do that if they're not in your mind and heart... But if you are, you will always be together... but if they are not, you could be in front of each other and you'd be apart.

That's why being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely... and how we can feel lonelier than ever in a group... It's connecting with people... but first we have to connect with ourselves... if we can't even see who we are, what we do, and the effect that it has around us... then we can't claim to care, we can't claim to be kind.

Denying the darkness within us doesn't make it go away... it makes it into a mindless beast without a leash... We can share love and bond even over darkness. And it's in adversity that you truly see the value of your friends. Some join to beat you down, and some save you from harm. Make sure that you give back the same, there is no law of justice in physics, but we can try.

Maybe I misunderstood my friendship with him too... the way I did with ZombieQueen . But my relationship with her was doomed when she accused me of wrongs inconsiderately instead of protecting me from them, as seen in the comic above:

Mod muzzles

But I don't think we where ever true close friends.

She was kind to me when I first came to KAT, but as a duty to newcomers, like a mod, to feel useful and better about herself.

I thought that she did it because she loved me as a person and wanted to build a relationship with me... But she did it to keep order as a priority, comforting me was a mean to do it, not the goal... It's completely different than doing it for my sake out of love and friendship...

When I saw that... I got so devastated... and she claimed that it was quality over quantity... when she gave me nothing at all for months... as if the 4 page long conversation that people gave me was trash... I hated her for insulting my friends and friendship itself.

If I hadn't known better from other people, if I had believed her... I would have thought that I deserve nothing more than sheer neglect and coldness... I would have just waited after people who only pretend to care because they don't want to look bad admitting that they don't give a shit... that'd actually be less mean than raising my expectations for something that they don't feel, don't want to give, and will NEVER be... making me long for someone who don't ever want to spend time with me, who don't value time with me, who see sharing thoughts and feelings as a waste of time. If that's your idea of kindness and friendship. I pity you. If you think that you need to be useful to deserve to live and be loved... that's what I used to think and it's a miserable existence because nothing is ever good enough... and it's a DEAD WRONG LIE!!!

I keep feeling awful that I don't give as much as what my friends give to me, and they keep telling me not to worry about it, that it makes them happy to see me happy... but then I want to do anything to give them happiness even more!!!

I should be writing to them instead of this... but I feel frustrated, in pain, confused... I'm scared that I won't be able to give them something good because I feel awful... and can't think... I can barely see straight... so how can I appreciate what they write to me when I can barely see. I want to save such treasure for a time that I'm at my best, to give them my best, to fully savor what they give me... and be emotionally available... But I guess failing while trying might be better than nothing... I have to heal from my loss of empty friendship quickly so my heart can welcome my true friends. But for that I have to let go... and it takes time to heal a broken heart... I resent those who did this to me... not only because they hurt me and made me lose trust in their friendship... but hurt my heart so much that I'm unable to enjoy friendship at all! Like a trampled flower that's having a hard time blossoming again... I'm throwing up all that painful crap here so I can share something better with them. They do give me support and appreciate me anyway... and I went to see them even though I needed to lick my wounds alone...

But it's because they are so supportive that I'm trying to do this on my own... for them... so I can share better with them... as soon as possible. I have to get rid of the problem, even if it means getting rid of friends that I want... I have to end this by any means necessary. Well... I guess if my friends want to know more than I already did too much... they can always read all that vomit... sorry about that. I wish I could let go more easily but... then it would mean that I didn't care deeply in the first place. Also... I'm scared to go to them in a vulnerable state and get another shit load of crap from somebody while I don't even have the energy to handle the good stuff properly... That's actually the situation I'm in. Maybe I over reacted... but I remember what they said, I remember the cold and the hurt... I HAD to react. I HAVE to get rid of them. I gave everything I had to save this friendship... only to notice that they didn't feel that way in the first place! I'm tortured, horrified... I feel stupid... I don't think I can trust and open my heart even to the people who so obviously give me true love right now... and I don't want them to see me so cold and hateful... because I don't want to continue this cycle and do to them what was done to me... Not showing up at all could do the same... so I do a little... oh god... I don't feel able to do what I wish I could do and give you... but know that you are in my thoughts.

I'd much rather be doing art to express love for my friends... but I need to understand, express and cope with my bad feelings so I can digest them, poop them and flush them away.

Soon… it will be buried… like cat burry shit in a litter box. Oh wait, I have to scoop it out… Otherwise, the shit will crowd my heart and mind and stop me from feeling anything good, so I have to deal with my negative emotions, preferably in a creative way, before they build up and explode destructively and uncontrollably.

That's also why it's important to express your limits and when you feel wronged with friends. You give them a chance to show you that it's better than you thoughts, or let them know your limit so they know how to avoid hurting you... or they plain don't care, hurt you on purpose... but at least then you know where you stand... you know what to expect... and you know if you are wasting your efforts and feelings... on the wrong people.

Beyond missing those two, beyond their cold careless and even cruel words... I resent them because they poisoned my heart and ruined the good time I was having with my true best friends... By shitting all over my wall, our sanctuary... because even though they made me wait forever for their love, they couldn't stand to wait at all to give me their hatred!!! I WANT TO DESTROY THEM! Well, ZombieQueen is already off my friend list... and if it wasn't for QueenSuccubus, and wanting to be in good terms with the people who go to her wall, if I didn't need to ever see him again... I think I'd delete him too.

Either way, I'll never let him hurt me like that again, for the sake of being able to make my worthy friends happy. I'll block him if I have to. Fuck neediness, fuck what I want about him, fuck my care for him, fuck my love for him. My real friends deserve to see a happy, warm and kind me... If my love for him puts me in so much pain, it's a poison. If it turns me into a sick mindless monster... then I'll unleash him on the source, until I get rid of it. I have faith in my wolf. He wouldn't bite for no reason, he wouldn't try to rip someone to shreds if he wasn't a threat. He might seem mindless when he's berserk… but it's because he's so focused on the order given by my rational side: Protect. Destroy the threat.

I wanted to let go and move on before the shit hit the fan too, before they came to my wall and all hell broke lose. It was a surprised to them, but I've been taking their crap for so long with a patient smile. It's not just what you do that matters, it's also what you don't do... but what you do is really clear. Way more than empty promises of fake kindness. I'm so pissed... also pissed at myself... for being fooled... for losing control over my neediness... for entrusting them my fragile heart... because I believed them... I trusted their words... but instead... I SAW THEM LET MY HEART STARVE, KICK IT AND THROW IT AWAY!!! It is my duty... to myself and my friends... to do the same to them!!! To dig the part that belong to them out of my heart... and let it rot away... damn that's hard to do... damn it takes forever to heal... and the scar makes it harder to beat smoothly.

I wanted to let go way before they came to give me hell... I had enough way before they came to hurt me on purpose... To force me to see their oh so righteous kindness... in a void that was sucking the light out of my very soul, such a void that there's not even darkness. That's how empty their heart felt. Just a plain... and utter... indifference to my entire existence and being.

But then ZombieQueen came to rub how much she doesn't want to be with me in my face, claiming that she can't because she doesn't have the time... as if it changed anything if she could or not!!! But she's an invalid too, she has all the time of the world, and even if she didn't... who doesn't have 5 minutes a MONTH to say hello!??? Even though she's right there! Someone who doesn't want to be with you, that's who!

I'm very slow... and people let me know that they miss me after less than a week. So a MONTH!? And even more than one... Yeah, not much of a friendship. Yeah, I'll feel fucking unwanted and unloved. I'd be a fool to believe anything better.

Optimus came to defend her and telling me that my mind is wrong without asking me what happened. He just assumed that her kind words were the truth and that the crazy person was just being crazy. Fooled by appearances, because he fools himself and others with them too. He can't see the difference between giving love outside and feeling love inside either... I do... especially when there's neither to see.

I wanted to be close friends with ZombieQueen not just because I wanted more of her kindness, but since we're both invalids, we can understand each other's hardship from our frail health. It stops us from doing what people take for granted, and it can be very hard to feel like we deserve to live... We can feel useless... So I understand why she's so obsessed with duty... But she said that I ask for too much WHEN I WAS OFFERING, DAMNI!!! She spat on it... then she demanded that I praised her. Why? Because she took the time to claw out my heart and hand it to me? How kind of youuuu!!!

The idea that she doesn't understand the value of being loved even if she's useless, of building a bond thanks to our flaws and not just our qualities... I weep for her... It means that she doesn't have it with anyone... that she can't receive or see it when someone give it to her... so she'll never have it... Whole she desperately try to find it by being useful... looking in the wrong place and throwing away what she really want: feeling loved... feeling that her life has value anyway. And I could have shown her that she doesn't have to do anything to deserve it... all she has to do is feel it... and welcome the feeling in others.

Her idea of kindness was a superficial gift, a hollow box... Thanks, but you shouldn't have, really… I already understood that you want to be praised like a good friendly person, you just don't want to feel and share friendship with me at all. But hey, you want it to be the same without putting any efforts in them whatsoever, so it's the same right? It's the intention that counts right? No, you're worse than a failure, you didn't even try. It wasn't quality over quantity, she shared nothing at all with me. *Come in without saying hello* "We'll always be friends." *doesn't share anything, doesn't answer any topics, ignores them, ignores my feelings, doesn't open her heart, doesn't share herself… doesn't bond with me over even trivial stuff… shares nothing with me… just claims to be my best friend forever… then walk away* Yes, veryyyy convinciiiing~~~ NOT!

I'm not with my friends often because I have a hard time being near people after all the crap people did to me, and I'm also an introvert... acting like an extrovert means that I'll need to rest even more than if I acted introverted and stayed in my shell peacefully. Giving so much of me means that I'll be burned out... So I can't blame people for being with me rarely, I still value them anyway, I waited months for a word from her...

But I care about what people do and feel when they are with me... and her kind words were as cold as ice... her actions were self serving at my peril... she defended her ego not protected our friendship... she was kind to boost her self esteem not out of genuine care and love... It's selfish and pitiful... But I guess you can't love and accept another if you can't even do it for yourself... I wanted to build something great with her... but I can't do it alone, I can't give a gift if it won't even be taken... It wasn't even one sided abuse... she didn't even take. It was utterly NOTHING!

She came to crap all over my wall because she wanted me to understand that she was the same valuable friend, by ignoring me completely, as the people who give me their very lives, just because she wanted to... NO. No you are not. You gave me nothing from your heart. You ARE nothing to me. You could act the exact same as my best friends... but if you do it for the glory and praise, and not because you sincerely enjoy my company and value me... then you are just a fake, and your kindness is nothing than heartless selfish manipulation.

I enjoy honesty, even if it hurts. But if it reveals that you don't give a shit about my safety and don't want to be with me, don't expect me to want to stay and get more.

I appreciate those who do, because I don't want to overlook a gift when I need it so much... I am so overjoyed when someone bothers to truly look at me and know me... and decide to stay anyway, after seeing how dark, messed up and crazy I am.

But sometimes even the best shit sails and leave you behind. All you can do is swim to safety doggy style, and enjoy the warmth of the people you have left.

Enjoy while you still can. If you don't appreciate it, then it's as if it was gone already.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 11 June 2015
Text: 13 June 2015
Update: 15 June 2015

Pokémon friendship

"GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!!! Uh? It's not working..." ~ "Pfff. *Disgusted*" ~ I am not a Pokémon! If you want us to be friends, don’t just add me, never manipulate and coerce me... BE a friend. I’m a real person, not a number to add to your stats to boost your ego.

Shad Wolf anger ~ Pokemon gotta catch them all ~ Ash pokeball ~ add friend

Pfff from urbandictionary:

1. expressed when you are thoroughly disgusted by someone's actions.
2. to disagree with something or someone.

Synonyms of coerce: force, pressurize, compel, bully, intimidate, drive, persuade.

Ash traps living creatures in small balls smaller than they are and use them to do nothing but fight for his pleasure, ego and glory... and enslave more creatures until he has a sample of each types.

I deleted all the people from my friend list who never spoke to me, not even when they added me, the people that I couldn't remember, the people who stopped talking to me and made me feel lonely. I kept some people that I want to see again, when I could remember having a good time with them.

It felt liberating. Of 95 people, only 30 remained. Some people came to talk to me wanting to be friends. But it was only to reassure their insecure ego. I didn't reject them as people, only the fake friendship by acknowledging that THEY rejected it with me by never trying to actually sharing it with me.

Now my friend list finally means something, instead to feel ignored by most of my friends... friendship itself feels meaningful again.

I edited it... to add the manipulation and coercion part. It fits with how Ash his treating his new pokemons: beating them up (with one of their own kind!) until they can't fight back and forcing them to do his biddings.

People used emotional manipulation and whined and cried to be given social recognition instead to earn that much trust by being a good friend. A friendship based on emotional manipulation and coercion can't possibly sincere. I don't believe that someone like that means it... but once thing for sure... my feelings aren't sincere. Because they didn't give me the chance to develop them, they FORCED their way too fast too soon... They feel like threats... being allowed to avoid crying tantrum dramas... instead of welcoming them because they make me happy.

Enjoy sincerely.
Lisa Of Shades
15 June 2015

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