Bananapoop ~ The "How to be less stupid" tutorial ~ This is not a banana tree!

Humor ~ Demotivational ~ Dark morbid gore 9

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Title ~ Relationships gone bad (Part 2)

Opening up. To shy to try? Give a chance to your own wishes.
Shyness vs. craziness ~ Dull soul vs. Being embarassed
Relationships are deals. They can be broken.
Crossroads ~ An end is a new beginning

(After he enraged and utterly disgusted me)
Ending a painful relationship ~ Rip it off!
Domestic violence ~ Gifts are baits not love
Seraph of the End ~ Guren Ichinose ~ Honorable narcissist
Bastard ~ Darsh & Yoko ~ Codependent and narcissist
Consequences ~ Blowing up
Exes are cold because you took all their heat and didn't return it
The end is a new beginning~

(After he harassed me for two months, using another email after I blocked him, pushing my disgust & murderous anger even further.)
Stalking nightmare
Harassment is criminal. It doesn't deserve another chance.
Burning bridges ~ The warmest part of my relationship.
NO. You don't decide what I do with my own life.
You're dead to me
Disgusting dog vomit
Impaled on display to scare others away
You remind me of my ex
Taking for granted until it's too late
Loving words and beautiful promises ~ It's a trap!
Manipulator fails
It's time to stop

Opening up. To shy to try? Give a chance to your own wishes.

Opening up. If you're not going to let me into your heart, I'm going to go lick someone else. If you love me but don't show it, then it makes no difference.

Fox licking window ~ opening up vulnerable to welcome love ~ let your loved one into you heart

Longer version:

To shy to try? Give a chance to your own wishes.
If you don't dare to welcome me, then I'm rejected.
If you refuse to be vulnerable by showing me your heart,
you don't love me, so I'm going to go lick someone else.

I sure hope that this demotivational poster won't be used by men to pressure women into having sex... but instead will inspire women to refuse being used... Some men take affection and passionate sex then introduce the woman as just a friend because they don't want to invest themselves in the relationship and are scared of commitment, but they want to receive one from the woman. It's demeaning, it's spitting on the gift, it's abusive. Unless it's clear from the start that the relationship is a friendship with benefits because some women want it too... and some men get played for their money.

I added "into your heart" to avoid making it look perverted because it's about people who don't dare to open up vulnerable to welcome love and let their loved one into their hearts. If you don't love them and don't want them near, then don't... But if you love the person but threat them as if you don't, then what you have inside makes no difference whatsoever unless you show it outside, act according to your own feelings, instead to stay still by fear of losing face, because then you'll lose the person you love, so if you're going to, it might as well be by showing your real self and the real deal. At least if you get rejected it will be for who you are, instead of seeing someone who need you and love you walk away for something that you're not.

But yeah, you're a coward, and that's not appealing because women like to feel safe and protected.

I shouldn't have had to struggle like crazy for months just to know that he likes to draw... damn... I don't even want to try to describe the heart breaking struggle of having him express that he likes me... Oh god... If it was food in a can, I'd be starving without an opener. That's why I only eat fresh products.

Lisa Of Shades
16 March 2016

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Shyness vs. craziness ~ Dull soul vs. Being embarassed

Shyness vs. craziness. I prefer to embarrass myself trying to have fun
than look good with a dull soul.

Shyness vs. craziness ~ Dull soul vs. Being embarrassed ~ duck ducking party hats

Too proud to be happy...

I saw a quote "He died alone because he was too embarrassed to call someone." That's as bad as it can get. When you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain.

The person I (hopefully) knew (at least a little) kept refusing to open up saying that his life is too dull and that he's boring... But THAT attitude is why he was!!! He wanted to preserve his pride and not feel embarrassed... People who want to bully you will even invent lies if they want to hurt someone to feel superior. It's really not about your worth but about them feeling like they have none, and wanting to crush someone because it's easier that way... it's easier to pass on the pain than do anything constructive about it.

I first wrote a dull life, but as an invalid on welfare, my life sure is dull. But I, as a person, don't have to be!

Like Robin Williams said... the people who are the saddest smile the brightest because they don't want anyone to feel this way... and I don't want people to feel my pain and spread it around... Self pity doesn't solve anything, it just feeds the vicious cycle, an act of funky craziness can break it... and the thicker the depression, I feel the harder it needs a push...

People don't understand why I'm just so hyper when I go out... so enthusiast that I probably look like a retard... and annoying... it's extremely exhausting for me... People even thought that it's a personality disorder but I do this on purpose with a reason... to cope! Psychiatry tends to do that... they look at the unusual behavior and think that this is what must be corrected... too clueless to understand with compassion that they're trying to take the coping mechanism away, it's the situation that is abnormal, not the person...

They adapted the best they could to survive... Help them resolve the situation and heal from it, give them new coping mechanisms... But they don't even do that in therapy, they just give the silent treatment expecting you to talk yourself our of it, but shunning you if you hear voices as your mind tried to communicate with you... drugging your depression and anxiety into oblivion when it's your body's way of telling you that your needs aren't met and you should do something about it and change something, or you'll suffer and die... Fucked up industry of death.

So that's why I try to cheer up so hard. I don't need pot or legal drugs that are even more toxic. Just some will power, self talk, and go for it! Break the cycle, it feel ridiculous at first, because you just want to cry, then you start laughing at yourself... then you genuinely have fun because at least you're not crying when you say stupid stuff.

People bore me. They say nothing, avoid eye contact, stare at their phone to seem busy so they won't have to be bothered... and when they finally talk... they talk about the weather... and if someone is or like a different color or flavor, they want to kill them... No wonder no one talks...

I tried to make people laugh, to get rid of those dull faces... but they thought that I was just being serious and laughed at me like bullies... They should try and see how much intelligence it actually takes, and efforts, but they don't even try... They say nothing thinking that no one will judge them... and everyone like that because then they can just imagine that they're exactly alike... Loving themselves through others empty shells... like putting a mirror in their faces and saying that they look good...

And what the hell is this tradition of painting a mask and plucking eyebrows until you look like an unnatural doll... It creeps the hell out of me... I'm scared of clowns and porcelain dolls... Sure when it looks good it does, but it's often worse. I'm trying to aim at the medieval, or trapped on deserted island, look... I suck at grooming myself even when I try... I guess I have other talents... Guys don't have to wear make up why am I forced to because my organs are inside? Weird traditions... They change women's traits to wooden the gap... God forbid that a guy tries to flirt with another by accident if he has longs hairs... We should just like each others as people and figure it out in the bedroom later. But what do I know, I'm asexual.

As an introvert, I'm not a party person, especially since parties aren't about giggling with jokes, but about getting drunk out of our minds to be able to overcome the fear and embarrassment of mating, then doing orgies basically... I went to a board game party once where everyone brought food and played... I had so much fun that I cried when I got back home... Feeling like I've been missing out all my life and would never be invited again, because I didn't fit with people who naturally had such a nice life... And indeed, they never invited me again... Two girls mocked me in my face later because I was weird... I replied, "Yeah, but you didn't say a word all evening, sure no one can reproach you anything, but can you imagine how boring it would be if everyone did that?" They didn't say a thing... At least I try... I try too hard...

But I feel like if everyone tried and added a little funny something... I wouldn't desperately crave and try to fill all those awkward silences by myself... I guess people like silences... I think it puts me back to default... and that's agony and desperation... So I struggle like a drowning person trying to find a way to cheer up... and people hate me for making waves... but do nothing to help me... Of course I have to help myself... but I guess if I can't I'm doomed to drown... Maybe I feel like I'm drowning because I'm not comfortable in crowds... They put extremely loud music that feels like being screamed at for hours... So people won't have to talk, and won't be able to even if they want to, making them drink more alcohol and increasing profits... especially since screaming to be heard makes the throat dry... Of course I'll freak out in a place like that.

I don't want to talk about the weather and nice things... I can't relate to nice things... I need dark humor because that's the humor that reaches me the best in my darkness... People only like to feel good and that's understandable... but if I don't have that option I might as well have fun feeling bad. I wanted to have fun like that but even Goth people got scared of me. I try to cover up my darkness and cheer up... And when I get serious and share... people get so terrified they won't even let me come into the room... Literally! If I'm such a dangerous hateful person, then show me what friendship is by giving it to me... so I can learn a better way...

Shunning without even trying to explain me what I do wrong, why and what people expect and how to do it... Expecting me to read their minds... and extremely subtle expressions... instead to communicate openly and honestly... How the hell am I supposed to get better... that just gives me more reasons to be fucked up and hateful. And vengeful against them personally. If they where scared when I was just being me and happy to see them... they shouldn't give me a reason to use my evil against them, simple. Yes, I'm willing to kill, but only if someone tries to rape and kill me. Oh the nice life that you must have if you can't imagine a situation where murder would be necessary. I guess some people would rather get killed so that Jesus will be proud of them in heaven... Well, we sent a spaceship to the moons... If there was a kingdom in the clouds, the satellites would have found it by now.

Of course I'm offensive. But I think there's a difference between taking it personal, and being directly bullied as a person. Let's discuss your own beliefs and maybe we're both right, or both wrongs. I am an eclectic because I believe that all religions have something good to offer but also bullshit. I don't want to have a blind faith in anything, not even myself or disbelief, because I don't want to mindlessly do something awful just because "that's how it's done" and not question that verse because some others are really good. I like Hitler but I don't agree with everything that he did. I just respect that he tried to do something with his life according to his beliefs. I admire that. Even if the result where horrible, going against adversity with all our might inspired me... When I thought that I HAD to please bullies to make the torture stop. Nope. You can cook them in ovens or walk away. Everything is always an option. That's basically quantum physic. Hahaha. Everything is possible.

What matters so much isn't really what you like, your humor style, how you laugh... What matters is to try to reach what makes you happy. If you don't even try, then you can only blame yourself if the opportunity flies away... and doesn't deserve any compassion. People in depression like me... find your happiness. That's what your depression is trying to tell you. Do something. Anything. Even if it's resting and doing nothing. That's a vital need so of course it counts. Find something to be happy about. Find a reason to laugh.

If you need to laugh at someone, laugh at yourself, you will have an endless supply of the silliness that you will be willing to create... and if people join in, you'll be used to be laughed at so it won't hurt as much... and maybe my bullies where laughing with me instead of at me all along. Sometimes just looking at something from a different angle changes everything. Your reality is the same, but you basically walked to reach the other side of the universe, where it's day instead of night. Like earth, it's always both at once... Both good and bad... If the planet was only sunny, everything would burn. If the planet was only at night, everything would freeze. So appreciate happy things, and enjoy dark things too. Never lose sight of one side. So you'll find balance.

So don't worry about being embarrassed if you try to go for what you like, express your feelings and have fun... because the embarrassment will come with the greatest gift of all: feeling alive!

Lisa Of Shades
16 March 2016

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Relationships are deals. They can be broken.

Relationships are deals. They can be broken when someone doesn't fulfill their share of the agreement. We're both responsible for making it work or fail, because it takes two people to build a relationship.

Relationship ~ Broken deal ~ Fulfill respect agreement partner ~ Business man woman handshake ~ buildings sky

Keeping an ex around can seriously backfire. You're married, lonely while he's at work, then the ex tries to pull the strings of your unresolved feelings and try to make you remember the good and not think about how bad it was to have ended it... Then next thing you know, you're having sex, the husband come home earlier to surprise you, and you both end up stabbed repeatedly in the face and crotch.

I met a guy who broke up with his girlfriend recently, and he constantly compared me with his ex. When I did something my way, he corrected me saying that this is not how his sex used to do it. He didn't want to get to know me, learn to love me and build a relationship together... He wanted me to be a replacement tire from his previous relationship! I told him that I'm a different person and to go back with her if he wasn't ready to appreciate someone new. He did, next time I saw him she was massaging his dick in front of everybody. He clearly only wanted that from me. He whined saying that he doesn't have anywhere to sleep after he broke up (lies, it was his own apartment, he kicked her out). And I let him sleep in my big bed thinking that I'd help out... and have some company...

But it was just a tactic, he kept trying to fuck me, rubbing his dick so close that he put it between my buttocks... and grab me like a Teddy bear... while I was sleeping... I muttered that if he wakes me up again, something bad was going to happen to him... He should have been honest and asked "I need a fuck, how about you?" some women do too... He expected me to be too shy to say no once his dick was in my butt crack!? Through my clothes! NO.

He expected me to have all the qualities of his ex without any of her flaws and continue where they left off!!! I have my own qualities, my own flaws, my own way to do things. I couldn't even cook him dinner without him criticizing me that I wasn't a close of someone else!

So take a time between relationships to clean up your life, head and heart... So you can welcome someone new. That's what I'm doing. I don't have the energy for anyone while I'm grieving, otherwise I could end up throwing myself at worse out of desperation. The same way I couldn't let go of him to save energy for my other passions. I'll get a grip on myself and then maybe I can find a way to avoid my own mistakes again... But going back to a relationship where someone was benefiting from my mistakes and will desperately try to drag me back into my bad habits... I won't be able to better myself.

I wish I could keep him as a friend, but I'm too vulnerable, especially right now. But it means that I'm completely isolating myself and don't keep a network... people do it to me too... so I probably should keep the people who actually want me in their life... I'm too messed up for the healthy people, so I can't judge the people who are unable to have a healthy relationship either, especially not the exact same way as I do... And yet... if I surround myself with the influence of the kind of people that I'm struggling to not be... it's going to make it even harder to overcome myself... even a healthy person could end up codependent under the wrong influence of a narcissist... that's how they are made... So I just cannot take that chance even if he's another codependent like me...

So it means that I have to be completely alone, unable to be with the people who can understand and respect me... because we poison each other... because we share our misery... because all we have is mistrust and self hatred... So we need to work on our relationship with ourselves first so we have something healthier to offer and share... We don't always do what we love... even when we can... and now I must do what I must...

I might have been even sadder than him about walking away... But I'm no longer able to trust that he'll ever trust me someday.

Lisa Of Shades
16 March 2016

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Crossroads ~ An end is a new beginning

Crossroads. Sometimes they take people closer, sometimes they take them apart. Thank you for sharing the path of life with me for a while. I enjoyed it with all my heart to appreciate you. But our needs are taking us into different directions. I must take care of mine. I wish you the best, but I no longer have the willpower to give it to you.

Crossroads forest path ~ Closer ~ Apart ~ Part ways ~ End is a new beginning ~ crisis breakup opportunity willpower

It's so hard to be kind instead of bitter when we had our heart broken and our trust exploited. I no longer want to continue, but I wanted to make an art to end this project more gently than a stabbing murder. I really am grateful, and it hurts me to think of the good because even if it was purely good, I don't have the energy to give so much and neglect myself... worse than anymore... I didn't have it from the start... I thought that it was the least I could do because he seemed to give me all his free time and I still had plenty... But I didn't have the energy to move for the rest of the day...

It's my fault for trying to base my actions on someone else's limit... But it's his fault for raising my expectations too high and disappointing them... or it's probably mine for falling for it... maybe I even imagined the promise too... Maybe he was sincere and thought that he'd do it later... but it ended up being too late. I wasn't expecting a life long project of meeting and living together to happen overnight... but I expected the enthusiasm to know each other, the willingness to trust and open up to share, the consideration for my feelings to reach a compromise that would benefit us both without asking painful things of me without even trying to return them... I expected to share love not self hatred... I wanted to be welcome not pushed away... to feel wanted but not obligated...

Especially not coerced by manipulating my fragility... but I ended u believing that he came to me because I was an easy prey... when I lost all my friends and got isolated, he finally decided to dare to talk to me... not to help me... but because I seemed like I was miserable enough to welcome him... I always was... All he had to do was talk to me. And make me laugh~

"Crossroads" synonym suggestion gave crisis... but it's also an opportunity. It's better to part ways that to deny ourselves to go where we need to grow and evolve as people... to find what we need... to pursue our passions... instead of fighting battles against each other that neither can win... because we sees us as enemies and won't acknowledge our trusted ally even if love is there.

So, thank you for being with me... and trying... even though you didn't try everything that you said you wanted... you tried to have a relationship with me... even if I don't think it's possible to have one without opening our hearts... I guess you did as much as you could... as you wanted to... and I need something different... It became too hard to trust someone who mistrusts me. It became too exhausting to try to cheer up someone who preferred to belittle themselves.

But I found a way to take all the flaws and downside before... but it took I simply just gave my best shot as long as I could... and this is it...

But I found a way to take all the flaws and downside before... but it required motivation and took too much energy out of me... I simply just gave my best shot as long as I could... and this is it... It hurts to think about it, but you did give me things that I never shared before, it was wonderful to share art for each other... Until it got tainted with being a sore loser... Instead to see that you still was winning my love from my own gift...

I wish you had simply welcomed me with confidence, sharing easily like it wasn't the end of your life. Strong and independent enough to rely on yourself so I could feel safe and like I had someone to rely on, and that you'd be okay if I vanished on a project for a while... Instead of not sleeping for days and getting sick... I wish you had chosen to give me silly joys, instead of intimidations and stoic coldness to protect your ego... I wish you had thought that I was worth the risk... I did... and now I got hurt enough... Every time you called me a friend after agreeing to be lovers was a sword to the heart... That is actually what made me run away crying... feeling so unloved and unwanted... No matter how much you wanted me, it wouldn't work if you didn't reach out and welcomed me in warmly... I had to struggle just to get a hug... and I don't recall getting a smiley... It felt cold... between two warm moments, it was painfully ice cold... Always having to initiate, always having to find topics... Lack of enthusiasm, lack of cooperation, lack of vulnerability and trust...

I'm probably worst, I might even be wrong, but that's how I felt... and you didn't show me otherwise... or I guess it didn't reach me... but my heart was too broken either way... and I think I was justified. Someone else would probably appreciate someone who listen and reply, but I needed to discover new things, to share passions and ideas, to be shown who you are... Even if you're a good loving person inside, it makes no difference if you don't dare to show it outside... I couldn't bear begging to see it anymore... I didn't want the relationships to be all about me, while being all about your needs... I guess we both couldn't balance our needs for ourselves and with each other... We're both responsible for the relationship successes and failures, by our actions as much as our inaction. By trying too hard or not enough... We should have rested more... I should have been more patient.

What happened happened... I guess we both did our best at the time... and for a while it was to be together... and now it's for me to be alone. I hope you'll find happiness... I hope that you'll want to... I hope that you'll try. But it's your life, it's entirely up to you, especially now that it will no longer affect me.

For all the people out there who wonder why they got shut out and guessing that the person just doesn't care... everyone is different... but that was my story.

Make sure that the life you make is one that you like. Otherwise, there's always another path to discover.

There will always be new opportunities for those willing to try them. The possibilities are endless.

An end is a new beginning. Enjoy~
Lisa Of Shades
15 March 2016

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Ending a painful relationship ~ Rip it off!

Ending a painful relationship is like removing gauze stuck to a wound. Ripping it all off in one shot will hurt you. But it's the only way to avoid prolonging your suffering. Then you can finally heal properly.

Ending a painful relationship ~ Removing gauze stuck to a wound ~ Ripping it off in one shot and heal.

After a month I finally dared to go clean my messages. I read him... and I replied... because I felt sorry for him and fell for his begging to at least tell him goodbye properly.
I said farewell, he replied saying that I should say that I want him to leave me alone, I did, he kept going... It was just manipulation to claw more from me and make me crack. He kept asking and begging and offering... While saying that he doesn't want to bother to even try to share and that he doesn't care that he lost my trust... saying that he can get it back if I become his friend again... but what he refused to understand is that without my trust and without sharing... There's no friendship even if I speak to him... We never had one... because he refused to open his heart more than a mistrusting stranger and treated me as such... he kept saying that his other friends where too lame... not real friends... that I was a real one... because I didn't act like them, I truly shared, truly cared... But he treated me like them... he wasn't being a true friend in return... He didn't make the efforts to build the kind of deep relationship that he asked of me, so my efforts where actually constantly rejected and he broke my heart by not returning them.

I read one month of text in a few hours... I was happy before... and cried after... completely messed up and tormented... He kept contradicting himself. Promising one thing but doing another... It ripped my mind and heart apart... It was torture... Emotional manipulation mixed with glimpses of the horrible honest truth...

He never understood that sharing isn't merely giving... it's giving that he didn't want to do... Sharing is between two people. He didn't want to even try to bother... because I wasn't worth it to him, no matter how much he pretended to... He only wanted to take and I don't want that deal. I can't share unless he does too. I can't build a relationship unless he tries to.

He's actually the one who rejected me. He tortured me by asking but he wouldn't even open his heart to welcome it. He wanted to enjoy watching me throw my heart against a wall...

And to the very end he refused to even acknowledge, care and try to stop making me suffer.

There's nothing good in it for me...

He won't even try... and I sure as hell owe him nothing... but the cold and agonizing torment of someone refusing to open up and welcome you.

He didn't want to share. But sharing means both ways... Be careful what you wish for... Because even if you wish to take what you won't even try to give... You can end up with what you want... you can end up tasting how hurtful you've been all along as the person adjusts themselves to you... and grant your wish.

You don't have to share who you are or your feelings with me anymore. Because I no longer want to care, so it makes no difference if I do.

I shouldn't have replied him, it only encouraged him... and gave him the occasion to hurt me more and dive his hooks in me by messing with my head and feelings, and dragging me with my desperation and false hopes when he had no intention of even trying to return what he asked of me...

I'm so disgusted... so horrified... so relieved that this isn't happening offline or he could harass me in such a scary way that I'd have to get the police involved...

And by trying to go easy on him, I just encouraged it...

I don't even have the passion to hate him... I'm indifferent. Fuck off.

He used threats of suicide to manipulate me emotionally... that's as ugly as it can get. That's your own life, do whatever you want with it. It's not my responsibility, not my problem. I need to use all my energy for myself, I never should have put his wants above my needs...

Thankfully, now I can simply stop. How he copes with that is his own problem and I don't want the weight of his life on my shoulders. He wouldn't even bother to even try to do it for me, he won't even do it for himself... There's just nothing but exhaustion, pain and abuse in it for me...

I don't have the energy to save two lives... I chose my own!

Image taken from a Youtube video. Whoa that hurts.

I don't use gauze anymore. They don't help the wound heal, they just hide the wound. I forgot one for days and took my bath with it... In the end the skin grew into the gauze... Because I tried to cover it up and do as if I was fine, I ended up having to reopen the wound so it would hurt properly... Otherwise the gauze would have rot in my wound along with flesh...

Face your wounds, deal with them... heal... And if someone sucks the life out of you and refuse to even try to stop hurting you, because they think they can claw what they want anyway, even if you're too hurt to trust them... because it's so obvious that you shouldn't...

Get rid of those abusive people... they want to devour you, not build a relationship with you...

I'm done being a prey.

The only happiness I had is the one I gave to us both, and now I'll keep it all for me.

What breaks my heart the most is that everything good that he gave me was just a worm on a hook, he even admitted that he only gives so I'd give even more...

I'd be a fool to fall for his demands now.

No we can't befriend someone who refuse to act like a friend!!! Unless we want our heart, mind and dignity to get broken.

I need to focus on repairing myself now.

Lisa Of Shades
Image + text: 21 March 2016
Uploaded: 27 March 2016

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Domestic violence ~ Gifts are baits not love

Dory from finding Nemo, with puncture wounds around her mouth and a black eye, looking at a fish on a hook: "Wow, a gift! He must love me after all."

NO! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! He only loves to abuse you. Flee for your life!!! No need to remember or understand all the details, just never forget that he actually gives you pain. Don't wait until you have broken bones to acknowledge that your heart is broken.

Get out alive. Take back your own life. Live for yourself. You'll end up with more alone focusing on self care than by letting someone take everything from you.

Dory ~ Finding Nemo ~ Hey little guy ~ Domestic violence ~ Abusive violent relationship ~ Gift is a bait to take more from you ~ worm on a hook ~ black eye puncture wounds

What you need to know about psychological manipulation at memes.

Dory saying "Hello little guy" at YouTube.

I gave Dory a black eye and puncture wounds from taking the bait before and forgetting how much it ends up hurting. It's the cycle of domestic violence. There's the honeymoon phase, then violence, then a gift to buy you like a whore, the illusion of love is renewed... and then violence happens again.

Because someone who doesn't respect your right to be safe and happy won't stop as long as they think that violence is an acceptable way to cope and get what they want. Reactive hypoglycemia can make people violent, like hungry hunters, and alcohol gives really intense crashes... So alcoholics tend to be violent. If they fail at fulfilling their own needs properly (nutrition, alcoholics crave energy and rest, but that can only be achieved with B vitamins and minerals, not fermented sugar and poisons) if they don't even respect their own body, they won't respect yours.

So doing it for them isn't doing them a favor because they won't learn how to properly take care of you until they find the will to properly take care of themselves. If you want to be useful, stop enabling the worst in them and take care of your own life... by leaving them to their own self inflicted demise.

If they cry about the consequences, they can only blame themselves for neglecting to give you a reason to stay, while giving you the best reason to leave: hurting you knowingly and carelessly.

I'm actually potentially very hurtful and violent too... but I'd rather avoid that. If I don't trust him... and try to have a relationship with him anyway... I'd end up constantly attacking him out of mistrust... and pushing him away like he constantly did to me... then crying because I was away. Fool.

I'd rather end it here than prolong the pain... I should have let him drown in his false hope because he refused to let go even after I've been very direct and harsh...

He didn't bother to even try to build a relationship when he still could... Instead to make it easy for me he made it harder because it was more convenient for him. He didn't want to take the risk to get hurt so he hurt me instead, even though I never gave him a reason to... but he expected me to keep going even after he proved me without a doubt that he has no intention to stop hurting me.

We where never friends... because he never wanted to share as a friend... The gifts that he gave me were just bait to get more. He admitted it... so there's nothing I can do to save the relationship because it never started... and that's more horrible than mourning an ending... It was much harder to admit because I so wanted to believe his nonsense and cling to the worm on the hook...

But someone who doesn't even flinch when you cry that you're hurt if they think that they won't lose anything by letting you suffer... then being so shocked and devastated when they lose your cares...

That's just disgusting.

I couldn't build a relationship alone... he refused to help... he's the one who rejected me and I can't do it alone...

But I can have a relationship with myself alone. And I became happy with that until I let him fuck me up again...

I won't make that mistake again... I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist his emotional manipulations if I read him... but when he actually tried to share... I couldn't care less... It only showed me how much he wasn't trying because he could do it when he cared enough, he even liked it... then he restarted saying that he doesn't want to a few days later.

He made his choice. He can go share with his friends. If their friendship sucks... it's because they threat him the way he threats them.

And I'm done giving more than what he gives... He refuses to even try... because he doesn't find me worth the bother. Because he doesn't care that he doesn't have my trust because he thinks that he can succeed to convince me to give him everything anyway, in the hope that someday he'll earn it. Fuck off, you dead weight. Go threaten suicide somewhere else.

That's as disappointing, hurtful and hopeless as it can possibly get. Someone who's not even willing to try... is already dead inside with nothing to offer. I won't drag a corpse, it's hard enough to bring mine back to life with everything I've got...

I don't think that asking for the good will to try was too much to ask... That could have made everything possible... I'm sick of a closed door... I'm sick of throwing my heart against a wall without even a window. I'm done.

He twisted the wound of my fears and loneliness instead to offer me care and respect by saying "Don't you miss having someone to talk to." I have other friends. And I'm insane. The voices in my head are actually better company. At least they are consistent, trustworthy and they care if I'm hurt. There are things far worse than being alone and giving up what we want... getting hurt by it until we lose ourselves.

I have a rule that I put my needs above my wants... I made the mistake of putting someone else's wants above my needs... Never again... not with him. He won't even try to share and give me trust and respect *shakes head* There's nothing in it for me, NOTHING.

I made celibacy vows to make sure that no one would abuse my kind nature again...

Being unwilling to even try... is where I draw the line. Wanting to keep hurting me knowingly... is where I walk away and don't look back.

*Takes a deep breath of a new life, exhales the past... and moves on to funnier stuff*

Lisa Of Shades
Image + text: 21 March 2016
Uploaded: 27 March 2016

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Seraph of the End ~ Guren Ichinose ~ Honorable narcissist

(Text is below)

Seraph of the End ~ Guren Ichinose ~ Balance between codependent and honorable narcissist

Seraph of the End ~ Guren Ichinose asking for loyalty:

1- "I saved you."
2- "Not only did I save you, but I taught you how to live and wield swords."
3- "If you're grateful, return the favor today."

4- "I own you."
5- (I am) "Your superior. Life saver. Guardian."
6- "Basically, your god."

Honorable narcissist. Make sure to have true charisma and accomplishments before expecting me to devote myself to you like a god. Give me a good show and you won't even need to ask for applauses. If you take good care of what's yours, I'll have the best reason to be loyal to you. It's comforting to be under the wing of someone stronger. It's an honor to serve and learn from someone superior. If you have the strength of mind & body to keep that up. More than lie, more than try... DO. Be reliable. Earn it, claim it, nurture it, keep it.


Everyone has narcissism in them. It becomes a problem when it hurts people for the sake of their ego against the person's will and best interests... Like an emotional and mental rape. Using manipulations and lies and never giving the promises in return.

Like an immature child who wants a dog, but never bother to feed and walk them... but beat them u when they have no choice but to shit in the house... and end up whining and crying when the dg die of starvation.

Expecting someone to praise you when you refuse to even try, using self pity to make someone feel sorry and comfort you out of pity, when you did it to yourself... it's pathetic... it's so disgusting... you deserve to be hurt but then that would make you happy to have true drama to whine about... and the cycle of pathetic covert narcissist continue.

I refuse to devote myself to someone who won't even try. That's the wrong way to use pride. Refusing to show off what we can do but expecting to be praised for a bullshitting lie... people eventually figure out that you're just farting in their faces because you're empty inside. You never bothered to nurture yourself, so of course you won't nurture others... But you'll promise grandiose things, it's so easy when you don't try at all and just lead people on so they can do all the work for you. Fuck you and die you little cockroach.

I accomplished more by being bed ridden but figuring out the secret of healing, that even doctors couldn't, until I save my own self. Fuck drugs, I need nutrients.

I saved my life by giving up on my wants, they where destroying me, so I focused on my needs until I ended up wanting that, then I became happier than I ever been. Because someone was finally loving and taking care of me: ME!

I got slowly dragged by someone into putting his wants above my needs, by whining and telling me how much he's helpless and would suffer if I skipped even a day... It became an addiction like a drug and an obligation like a chore... Because he took too much without bothering to return the favor, on an emotional level, I ended up craving for freedom more than companionship. I lost myself. He dragged me little by little into something I didn't want, by refusing to respect my limits, even though he knew I was very sick and exhaustion could kill me. But he didn't care, even when I cried and begged, because he got what he wanted from it, so he even liked it better that way, while I suffered doing all the efforts and getting nothing. Someone like that can go ahead and kill themselves.

I've been a "demon lord" online. Basically a very powerful male with followers, since we can roleplay anything. It was extremely hard to maintain. I was very arrogant, but I lived up to it at all times. I took care of my people, because if I buy a car but don't maintain it, it will break and I won't be able to ride it anymore. It's the same thing about my people. Even the most devoted and needy follower will find a way to claw their own heart out and run, no matter how strong the mental chains are hooked to it, if you threaten and harm them instead of benefiting them at least in some ways.

People gathered to me because I had a powerful aura of self confidence, and it's very comforting for insecure people. They feed of it while their appreciation feed the narcissist's ego. So it's a good give and take. Unless you don't keep your promises and make them feel even more insecure... by messing with their heads by disappointing their expectations and breaking their trust in you... At first they might turn to you for comfort, but they'll eventually figure out that YOU are the source of their confusion, insecurities and pains... that they're better off with nothing than the soul sucking leech that you are. But if you are fierce with your enemies, to protect your people, they will be able to forgive any amount of evil and cruelties.

That's actually why I admire Hitler. He did grandiose speeches and had strong convictions. He empowered people and they where ready to do anything for him, because they trusted that he knew what he was doing and that it was in their best interest... because he delivered results. (Unless you where what he considered an enemy, then I feel really sorry for you...)

So the problem with narcissists isn't their grandiose arrogance, ego and sense of entitlement... that can move mountains. The problem arises if they are trying to get the rewards without actually being worthy of their own ideals, without even trying to reach their goals... Using people to accomplish wonders is one thing... But when the goal itself is just to use people to soothe your insecure ego, you're even lamer than them. And if you don't take care of your pawns, you won't be able to win. What you own reflects on you, they're a part of you, you own it, it's yours, it's you. If you threat it like shit, when it's the source of your pride and ego, then your pride and ego is shit, and is going to become even shittier after you ruin the good things that you gathered too.

In Code Geass, Lelouche pretends to be Zero, a masked hero of justice, but he's just motivating oppressed Japanese people to get his personal vengeance against his British family. That's why he has to hide who he is, otherwise they wouldn't follow a member of their own oppressor. So he plays the role of this over confident moral vigilante, and he has the tactical skills to get results, so more people follow him over time. But after a drama after he lost control of his own evil means, he run away to do drugs to hallucinate the god old days. But one of his follower stops him, screaming to not let them down, even though she knew that he might be even more scared than they are, to put back the mask of Zero and this time to play the role flawlessly. And he does. So much that the lie becomes the truth.

So the problem between codependent (people who like to devote themselves) and narcissists (people who like to use others for their purpose) is not necessarily that one is above the other... but that they don't know how to do it properly. A codependent who ends up sick and useless because they didn't take proper care of themselves is to blame for their own misery. They should express to the narcissist when he was going too far and about to break his assets and lose.

And the narcissist who stubbornly thinks that he can just use and discard his possessions when they break, that he doesn't have to protect them or make any efforts... he'll end up with nothing. He has the most exhausting role because he needs a goal, to get there, while making sure that he, and the people he depended on, arrives there safely. It's a huge amount of pressure, and people like that deserve to be comforted so they can continue to charge towards the stars.

But many people will only look at people getting glory, sit on their asses, and expect others to give everything for free, for no reason, just "cuz they wanna". They can't even take care of themselves, of course they won't be able to take care of another.

That's not a worthy leader who can master an army and take over the world. He can't even live his own life, he won't even try to achieve a goal.

Covert narcissists using self pity are basically mutilating their own soul, they're their own problem, to them the problem is the solution... because the more miserable they look, the more people try to save them... so their goal is misery... It's even more true for people who actually cut themselves... they're junkies, forcing their own brain to secrete endorphins because they refuse to face their emotional issues and prefer to cause even more harm physically to get a reward... They disgust me. Cut an artery already. If you have no self respect, I have none for you.

Have dignity. That's the difference between a lord and a beggar. Not the mud, not the cash, but keeping their head held high. Of course some situations make it easier than others; some births are in more favorable conditions than others...

But willpower is free. Self love and self respect is free. Having goals and trying to reach them by any means necessary even if you fail... is a more honorable reason to want loyal servants than just wanting to masturbate your ego sitting in your own shit doing nothing.

Get up on your own two feet and walk! Go somewhere! And THEN people will want to follow you there, even if it's just for the pleasure to admire your glory. Even if you are a demon.

If you're a skilled servant, don't waste your services on someone beneath you.

It's okay to be codependent, but not if you devote yourself beyond your limit and end up useless from exhaustion. Take care of yourself too.

It's okay to be a narcissist, but not if you break what you own until you lose it. Take care of your people too.

Lisa Of Shades
Image + text: 24 March 2016
Uploaded: 27 March 2016

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Bastard ~ Darsh and Yoko ~ Codependent and narcissist

It's okay to be codependent, but not to devote yourself beyond your capacities and end up useless from exhaustion. Take care of yourself too. Put healthy limits. Voice that wisdom. Don't tolerate painfully aimless loose cannons. Don't waste your services following someone beneath you.

It's okay to be a narcissist, but not to break what you own and end up losing it. Take care of your people too, so they'll be at their best. Those who serve you well deserve praise & respect too. Reward them and they'll gladly dedicate their potential. Accomplish your goals yourself with their support. A determined leader going somewhere interesting will be followed without manipulative coercions. Be trustworthy and they'll stay loyal to you. Don't let whiny weaklings drag you down.

Bastard ~ Dark Schneider ~ Darsh ~ Tia Noto Yoko ~ Codependent and narcissist

Loose cannon: an unpredictable or uncontrolled person who is likely to cause unintentional damage.

Don't be fooled by her helpless look, Yoko has a very strong personality and won't hesitate to punch some sense into him if he goes too far. She's the only one who can control him, and he actually respects her more because she stands up to him.

Dark Schneider is a greedy lust demon, but he cares for everyone that he takes in as his own. He rescued abandoned children and raised them to be strong enough to be able to have an even fight with him. Even though he had to leave his previous lover Arshes Nei for Yoko, being sealed inside a boy she grew up with, and even tough she tried to kill him by being forced by a curse, he literally clawed out his beating heart so his blood could free her. Now that's some major devotion! He's immortal but still, he was ready to suffer that much for her.

Before being sealed away, he wages war around just because he could, just for fun, for no other reason than wanting a good challenge. Basically for no reason at all, he didn't need to justify himself. And that brutal will power inspired people to follow him. Because even when he was aimless he still had strong desires and goals. Even if it was to beat everything out of his way. He's arrogant, powerful... and merciless with his enemies (unless they amuse him). When one hurt Yoko, he snapped and pulverized him. But then he returned to trying to murder her father for sealing him away.

She ended up convincing him not to, so his love was stronger than his hatred in the end. He even protected them. Under her guidance he had more focused goals, because she stood up to him when his arrogance and power got the best of him, he could do more good than harm and ended up helping a lot of people, even though he kept his destructive ways. He spared old friends turned enemies, even after they kidnapped his lover, but only after beating the hell out of them to teach them not to try that again. Sometimes that's what it takes to put limits.

I really like him. His sheer power, self confidence and arrogance is very inspiring and amusing. I'd follow him just for the pleasure of looking at him. He laughs his head off in the face of adversity even when he's dismembered, he figures out a way to win eventually.

A princess went with him on the rescue mission to save Yoko, but her armor was so heavy that she was slowing them down. So he made her take it off while the knights protested about her safety, but he kept her safe and threw himself between her and the danger that she foolishly brought upon herself by triggering an obvious trap.

Being arrogant isn't a reason to refuse seeing the worth in other.

Thinking that we're awesome isn't enough; we have to act awesome too. Pride demands to face reality and truly become worthy of our own grandiose ideas.

Being demanding isn't a reason to refuse to please someone. When someone's needs are fulfilled, they have more energy to be devoted, and will be more loyal when they win along with you by being given their share of the praise and glory.

Someone who refuses to try and expect others to serve them isn't worthy to be a lord. They wouldn't even have the guts to protect their people and even harm them, they're a nuisance. They won't inspire people to surpass themselves to reach higher goals because they don't even have goals... except to keep people down at their feet... The value of your servants reflects your own value. If you need to keep them helpless and hopeless slaves, then you are weak. If you have strong masters following you, after training them yourself, then you truly are a king among kings.

The problem with my codependency was never the codependency itself... but giving it to someone who have no respect for my limits, even when I try to fulfill my needs... Someone who's desperately greedy not because he has gigantic goals, but because he's too lazy to have any to fulfill himself and feel an insatiable black hole inside... that's mediocre. The only solution is to live our own life and overcome trials to better ourselves. No one can carry your sorry useless ass into victory. The leader had to open the path to glory by making sure that his people will survive along the way.

Everyone is capable of both... but many are neither.

My mistake was to not put my own limits and let my kindness be abused... forgetting myself... forgetting my evil side... and not opening my eyes when I was given lies instead of substance on a genuinely deep emotional level. We can do things without the heart being there... Contradictions are the proof that someone is bullshitting you and is unworthy of trust.

The key is balance, doing both, for both. Sometimes the strongest feel the weakest, and sometimes the follower has vital information to make a good decision. It would be foolish to refuse to listen to a spy because he's not the king.

A good leader isn't someone who sits on his ass and is served without making efforts, or exploiting his follower's weaknesses to enslave their will against their best interest.

A good leader is someone who can acknowledge someone's strength and help bring them forth at the best of their capacities, relying on someone else's strength to compensate for the shortcomings, as a powerful team of masters completing each other. They know how to chose the best suited for every tasks and can help people shine, while making sure that they don't get hurt to serve another day, and have their needs fulfilled so their potential is at their maximum. That's why people follow leaders and are ready to die for them, because while they are alive, they will be well taken care of, and the best person they know will make sure they stay that way as long as possible, or at least won't die in vain.

People who can only whine and manipulate with self pity while refusing to even try... they die first in the war of life. Or they end up cast away or locked up as traitors for not doing their duty... or used as canon folder.

I have to admit... I love narcissists. But it's rare that they are honorable ones. But it's also the responsibility of the codependent to make them earn their services by accomplishing goals, so they can be motivated to shine. Balance is hard to achieve but it's also possible between a codependent and a narcissist, as long as they both make sure that both stay balanced and healthy... both doing self care and rewarding the other with something they want and need.

I didn't feel fulfilled because I needed time for myself, he refused to even try to go towards his own goals, and was even sabotaging my efforts to do all the work by myself. Whining in defeat without even trying... It's just too pathetic; I refuse to lower myself lower than the lowest to serve someone like that. I call myself an invalid on welfare shamelessly. Because I actually ended up that way by working too hard... and it took me a whole lot of strength to survive with such a weak health and such limited means. And it's the best time of my life, when I was finally forced by death itself to put myself first and find balance. I have what I always wanted.

No it's not love or money. It's freedom and the damn peace! With plenty of time for my ultimate life goal: biological research with myself as guinea pig. So even in this most pathetic state I still could have goals and reach them, even if I was bedridden. And I actually accomplished my greatest successes during that time, because there's no greater reward than our own survival, health and safety.

I was wrong to put anything or anyone above that, but I guess I had to earn the hard way... because I've been raised by a narcissist who was so worthless that she couldn't even take care of her own children properly. She destroyed my self esteem to feel superior, but then she reproached me that I wasn't high and mighty to make her look good. It's like using your own soldier for target practice and then whining that you have no army. Pathetic. Using people to reach your goal is one thing... But destroying your own assets and sabotaging yourself with goals in contradictions doesn't make you a worthy leader but your own worst problem!

When a codependent and narcissist are truly in balance, they become a strong team. I guess they wouldn't be called a codependent and narcissist anymore... because by definition a codependent give too much and neglect themselves for others, while a narcissist take too much and neglect others... But my point is that it's okay to be who we are and have our goals as long as we keep them in balance in a way that we won't end up destroying ourselves or what we want.

A codependent can take care of their own life because it's the only way to be able to continue to serve. And a narcissist can return the cares to motivate the person to continue to give. Whatever works. And neglecting ourselves by only giving, or neglecting others by only taking, doesn't make a long lasting team. Being devoured to death, or becoming helpless on our own because we're too used to be pampered, isn't good for anyone.

It's okay to be what you are, but not to succumb to the worst of it with no self control. For example I have the tendency to get addicted very easily. Probably because I've been too deprived and I tend to cling desperately to everything I can get. So I'm an addict, but it doesn't mean that it's okay for me to indulge in alcohol and cocaine. I never touch it because I know that I'd struggle too much to resist once I get into it. But I have experience with quitting cold turkey and overcoming my addictions. Perhaps because I'm stubborn and value freedom above all.

But the cause of the problem, deprivation, also becomes my salvation. Because I have experience with being denied what I want, and being deprived, so I can welcome that familiar state of being again, I can overcome my own desperation because I can get out of deprivation just as well as I can get out of addiction. I just need the right thing to be addicted to... like healthy things that I have a vital need for. Instead to ignore my needs in favor of harmful things, which will just intensify my needs, desperation and if I'm not wise, the addiction to what makes me worse as well...

Especially when someone who threats me with hatred claims that they're doing it out of love... Now that's the most damaging thing that can be done, because it made me lose trust not only in the person but in love itself... making me a very hostile person. But I can seal my own heart if it's used against me. I just let a different side of me, a different part of my brain, take over. There is a time for play and a time for duty. A time for the heart, for reason, and even a time to kill. I'll do what I have to do to survive.

Thankfully that resolve itself is so powerful that killing is rarely necessary, abusive people give up way before that... and when they see that their manipulations don't work anymore, and the threats don't scare the person, they move on. That's an advantage to have known sheer terror worst than death when I was utterly helpless, and extreme anxiety from malnutrition, when someone tries to scare me with lies, even threats of suicide don't seem that bad. You hurt me and you threaten to kill the problem... thanks!

Everything is a drug; the more you have something, the more you crave it and think that you can't live without it. But I've been amazed by how much I could survive without many things that people consider vital. I feel better without it.

It's hard to break free... it's scary to end up face to face with the endless sea of quantum possibilities...

But I value true and freedom above everything else.

A part of me is actually a narcissist too, we all are, and I can love myself plenty.

Maybe someday I'll have great professional goals again, but I don't think any goals will ever be nobler than health and wisdom. I always wanted to be a monk. I could have turned better, but I could have turned worst too. I don't have the goal to climb the corporate ladder... but I have the goal to stay healthy. Physically and mentally. And I won't let someone get in my way. Especially not if he wants to take things that he refuses to give. I have no energy to waste on a weakling who refuses to try to reach his own goals.

I have much better ways to waste my life.


I'm at peace with what I am. I acknowledged my weaknesses so they cannot be used against me. I'll just find a better way to use them constructively. Better people who will be willing to try to let the best shine out of them, even though it's easier to indulge in our flaws, cravings and desperations. It took me a lot of strength to get back my self control. But I now feel stronger and liberated. The only person I truly need is myself and I'm not giving free samples away. I'm just not interested by what he's not even willing to offer. He made sharing more painful than he was worth.

I'm going to enjoy the hell out of what thought I dreaded: being alone~

Ah yes~ The damn peace~

Lisa Of Shades
Image + text: 24 March 2016
Uploaded: 27 March 2016

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Consequences ~ Blowing up

Consequences. Just because you got away with your bullshit and avoided a small consequence today, doesn't mean that you won't be hit hard by a huge loss tomorrow. Don't abuse someone's patience. The kindest people aren't more docile to exploit, they're accumulating more rage before blowing up.

Volcano lighting eruption ~ Don't abuse patience kindness ~ build up rage, blow up, consequences

This is why "angels" are why more terrifying then "demons". Demons just do their own business and if they hurt you, you're just in the way. But an angel cares about your most inner soul, yes they can comfort you... but if you cross them and eat their wings, they know where to hit you the hardest to get revenge.

People thought that I was just being naïve and too kind and deserved to have this kindness exploited, because I let them. But I acted this way because I was afraid of how cruel I am capable of being... I held back as long as I could, asking nicely, verifying to make sure that the intent was harmful, because I know that once I get angry it's over in a sadistic and merciless manner. People thought that getting away with hurting me without getting hurt themselves meant that they could continue without consequence... they thought that I was harmless... they didn't consider the fact that I was holding back because I have a hard time controlling my desire to kill in the most gruesome manner. And because I was afraid to hurt, people gave me reasons to hurt them. Because I was afraid to unleash my survival instinct and kill them, it was rabid... But once I let it be free, to do its job and protect me, people don't die but they probably wish they did... because then they're the only ones who end up suffering, they lose everything, because I walk away from their parasitic attitude.

Sometimes I acknowledge someone as a part of me, but if that part isn't beneficial it can be cut off. Mercilessly. You wouldn't feel sorry for the leech after ripping it from your skin. My only regret is not noticing what it was sooner. But it's pointless to have regret because that's what it took for me to wake up... and I cannot change what other people chose for themselves... but I can chose to let them have what they deserve... And if they tried nothing good... then that's the consequence that they will get... Like I meme I read... "You didn't reject me but you didn't try to hold on to me either." Oh but he rejected me, as I granted his wishes, he rejected me. I have no mercy for someone with no dignity and who doesn't even respect his own word.

I use my site to vent, but it,s a "How to be less stupid" tutorial. So here's information about the image:

Volcano Lightning: How Does It Happen? at YouTube.

He explains that according to our best theory, lighting is caused by "charged separation".

From what I understand:

Basically, lighting is a path to the earth to restore electric balance, after atoms lost electrons from colliding with other particles. That can happen inside a volcanic eruption.


Lisa Of Shades
27 March 2016

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Exes are cold because you took all their heat and didn't return it

Ex. Yes, I'm cold. You already got more warmth than you gave me. Go to hell. I froze it for you. You don't even deserve warmth in hell.

Cold ex ~ Relationships break up ~ Frozen hell ~ Morana, Demon Ice princess, Dominance War IV

I wanted an art of hell frozen over with a demon woman holding a heart... But I don't feel like putting energy in making the montage myself since I moved on. And her disdainful stare is perfect. She's Morana, the Demon Ice princess, from the game Dominance War IV. I never played it, so I hope I have the right name.

I thought I was done with this project, but I saw a lot of memes about how cold exes are... and I wanted to make an answer. When you don't make efforts to make the relationship work, let your partner suffer feeling neglected and exhausted, because you're happy that she does all the work and couldn't care less that she's miserable... Eventually she'll run out of warmth... You'll waste all your chances... and she'll end up so empty that she won't even have mercy.

You don't even deserve warmth in hell if you refuse to even try.

Oh that's good I'll add it to the poster. To avoid saying "deserve" twice, I wrote "than you gave me", now the reason becomes clear that it's because he took one sided selfishly without caring about the other's feelings.

The explanation is probably still too subtle for self centered people in denial. Even a kick in the balls would be. Someone who refuses to understand never will, someone who wants to will eventually figure it out on their own. Just walk away with the satisfaction of your own liberation.

Lisa Of Shades
31 March 2016

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The end is a new beginning~

The end. Is a new beginning~ Learn from the past otherwise you doom yourself to repeat the vicious cycle.

The end is a new beginning ~ Relationships gone bad

More: Shad Wolf ~ All adventures 10

Get a grip on codependency
Emotional vampires

While it's good to observe what happened to learn, and healthy to go through all the phases of grief including depression and anger... eventually it's time to let go to welcome something new and use that energy on better things. The end is never the end of everything... it can be an opportunity to get something much better. While something or someone might be the best at some point in our life... people and times change and evolve... so it doesn't stay that way forever... especially when the deal isn't what we thought and it ends up becoming painfully obvious as actions shows that the words where empty...

Trust can be damaged beyond repair and there is no return... even the slightest pain reopen massive scars, like a domino effect with all the previous pains that the person has inflicted. I did my best to go into a new relationship by giving the person a clean slate, so that I wouldn't make him pay for what others did to me... Unfortunately, he didn't give me the same chance. He did his best to get things out of me, while I did my best to make him as happy as I wanted to be... The relationship was imbalanced... Trying to take more than you are willing to return doom the relationship to burn out, because eventually... you just take the last thing, and since you didn't give back, the person has nothing left.

I learn what codependency truly is... I thought that if two codependent joined forces, they'd be devoted to each other and would somehow manage to compensate for the lack of self care. But nothing and n one can ever replace self care, because no one can live your life for you. You need to save energy to face unexpected hardship, if you devote it all away, you end up helpless and vulnerable, unable to think your way out, and the others can't always be there, and if they also give everything without any reserves, they'll be unable to help themselves or you as well, even if they want to.

There's always someone who end up giving more, even if it's not the same person... Giving more than we can or want to can only lead to resentment. If we give our extra because we feel like it, we won't have wasted much... but if we give something by denying ourselves what we truly want hoping to be compensated, even if we don't want to think this way we will be frustrated when we end up drained with no rewards, not even gratitude.

Codependency is like two vampires feeding on each other's arms, at best they'll die of starvation together. They need to take care of themselves by feeding from healthy sources, good foods and hobbies that will nourish the body and mind, then they can share the fruit of their labor and discoveries, having interesting things to say, enriching each other's lives. Having a meal together isn't the same as using each other as a meal...

The problem with codependency isn't the devotion, but the lack of self respect. No one will respect your limits if you don't... and if someone refuse to respect them, then they're abusive... and could seriously destroy you, make you sick, and give you a long death... kill your individuality by forgetting who you are, and even your body from neglect... It's unhealthy to have a too narrow focus.

At the second he refused to reciprocate, I should have stopped giving. At the second he rejected what he said he wanted, I should have stopped believing. I should have readjusted the relationship to what he could handle, nurture and provide... no matter how much he panicked and begged for more.. Because when I was the one crying, he didn't even want to try and when I was the one in pain, he didn't give a damn.

I shouldn't have trusted someone who wouldn't trust me. Claiming that he loves and trust me doesn't mean that he does. What matters is how he acts when the time to show it comes... Talking is easy, doing is harder. If I'm not worth an effort, then he's not earning anything and deserves nothing... and must get nothing.

I should have stayed alert for slow manipulations so I wouldn't give in just a little bit... because nothing stays in one place.. when you start on that path... you end up giving a lot that you don't want... little by little... like a rock being pierced by drops falling down... If someone wants to do that to your sanity and dignity, run and don't give him a drop... don't give him the occasion to slowly drag you back and break you again... Because it will take even more time to heal... and if he had the care and patience to break you... he could have the care and patience to make you smile... But he prefers to harm you instead to earn kindness with genuine kindness... Run away.

If someone uses your own heart against you, you can set it aside and rely on reason. You'll see his manipulation even more clearly, and that will make you like it less, making it easier, and reason will tell you what to do. Don't let him pull the strings of your fears and weaknesses, or you'll only end up more afraid and weaker... Indulge your strength, and your weaknesses will become but a faint whisper.

Indulge your harmful fears and they will constantly scream in your head. Walk away from them, by walking away from the cause of your torments. And that, sadly, can be the very thing or person that you think you want... But it doesn't mean that it's what you need... Sometimes it's the very opposite... And the light is only after crossing a dark tunnel, heaven is only after reaching the end of hell... Sometimes your greatest fear is what you need the most.

The best way to figure out what's good for you is to try... is you refuse to try... you're already dead.

I choose to live.

I tried. For a while it was good. The rewards are no longer worth the efforts for me, so I'll try something else. After enjoying a wonderful rest with myself~ So I can figure out how to avoid making the same mistake, what I want, and make it in harmony with my needs, so I can be safe and happy~

Enjoy~ If you don't, then change. Be independent and free~ Take your responsibility to forge your own happiness and destiny~ And if you make the mistake to depend on someone else for your happiness, make sure they enjoy themselves too.

Lisa Of Shades
27 March 2016

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Stalking nightmare

Scares the hell out of you. Stalks you even in your nightmares.

Laina ~ Overly attached girlfriend meme ~ Scares the hell out of you. Stalks you even in your nightmares.

I forgot to upload that one. She's Laina the overly attached girlfriend meme.

I think the problem with my previous relationship is that he felt insecurities and greed, not love.

Loving to own and receive isn't the same as loving the person and wanting to take care of them, make them feel safe and happy.

Stalking someone against their will is the proof that they where "loved" as possessions not as who they are. As an object instead of a person...

I wanted him to participate into building something but he just wanted to be a spectator.

I got tired to perform. I became empty to just give. His heart wasn't into it and mine got broken.

Seeing him run after me like a predator after a prey... freaked me out really badly... and made me realize how much of a fool I've been to think that I was cared about. At least now I'm free *rocks self holding knees in a little ball* It's over now... it's finally over...

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 14 April 2016
Text: 23 April 2016

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Harassment is criminal. It doesn't deserve another chance.

Harassment. Trying to get you back after you ran for your life isn't a proof of love. It shows that they refuse to respect your feelings, choices, needs and who you are as a person. They never did & never will, that's why you had to leave. Harassment is criminal. Don't reward crimes. Pain doesn't deserve another chance to cause pain. To move on, we must move forward, not backwards.

Harassment is criminal, no other chance to cause pain ~ Creepy clown bloody screaming at running woman ~ Come back, Hell no ~ Bad relationship, abuse, codependency

That photo shows how freaking creepy it is to continue to harass someone to give you what you want, even after they told you that they don't want to and to leave them alone. I feel her horrified and weary disgust.

He doesn't understand that I can feel differently than he does... I am my own person, not an object to possess and toy with!!!

Original description of the image I found: "Sometimes You Just Need the Right Motivator - I plan to start walking / maybe jogging if my back & knees let me and this is probably the correct motivator for me!"

It's to motivate runners to keep running... and harassing me with another email because I ignored the first made me want to ignore him even more too. But he think that he deserves another chance and a reward for it. That's one of the most disrespectful, heartless, selfish and blind attitude that I've seen. If he wasn't living on another continent separated by an ocean, I'd probably fear for my liberty (kidnapping me for my own good... for example...) and I'd be scared for my life... but I can probably fight back with sheer feral rage... Because too many people drew me mad enough to be able to stop being nice... by abusing me relentlessly against my well being... like he's trying to do... and now I can see clearly that he has no care and respect for my feelings, wishes and needs. He only wants to get back his toy and keep toying with my mind and heart. HELL NO!

Codependency definition: "Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

I'm done pampering my own flaws; I'm even more done rewarding his bad behavior. Maybe that's just how he is and someone else will like it, I don't. My glass is so full of his bullshit, it overflows. I'm not swallowing his crap anymore.

I don't miss that pain. I am finally free!!!

After two months and a very clear explanation I still get emails from a past relationship. Thankfully it was long distance otherwise he'd probably be knocking on my door and calling everyday. I had to put the cops after an ex before. The irony is that he ignored me when I was still with him. When you take the relationship for granted and enjoy the other person exhausting efforts without doing your own... eventually it won't be worth it or rewarding for them. There's no reason to share when the person refuses to. Especially if we have to do twice the work for both because the other isn't pulling their weight and making you feel lonelier than being alone... demanding too much... Damn I feel so liberated; I don't want to go back to being a codependent slave. I'm so disgusted.

What angers me the most is that I didn't just bailed, I came back to give yet another chance and he spat on my feelings... he wasn't aware that I was leaving at the time. I sure did with no regret after that. But he kept asking for an explanation, he saw my relationship gone bad project, and kept saying "You could at least explain me why" to bait me into replying him one more and one more and one more time. If that piece of shit still doesn't get it after all that, then he never will, then he refuses to, then he's heartless.

He thought that I was happy, even though I sent him a video of my reaction, I was crying. Then he didn't understood why I didn't want to try again anymore after being shunned and rejected constantly when I begged him to return the favor. Fuck you.

He promised me change, he shared... he enjoyed it... but then he showed his real color and coldly admitted that he doesn't want to share. That he doesn't want to bother. I didn't show up for a month so I had 30 days of seeing him contradict himself trying to fool me condensed into a very obvious bullshit.

And when I said that I don't want to share anymore because he said that he doesn't want to... That I don't care about his attempt because I know that he didn't mean it... it was just a worm on a hook and once I'd be hooked again he wouldn't care if I cried feeling pushed away, rejected, denied his heart and given the cold shoulder constantly... while demanding me that I devote myself to him everyday... 5h a day, it was exhausting... I didn't have the time to do any of my hobbies, or my chores, and no energy to take care of myself... I felt miserable... I was beyond exhausted and when I saw how much he didn't care to reciprocate... My feelings just plain died.

When I told him that he doesn't want to share and therefore I won't at all... He replied that he only said that because I said that I didn't care when he did, after it was too late... Blaming me,.. trying to make me feel guilty.... and it almost worked... But I quickly realized that I said it AFTER!!!! He blamed me but I wasn't even there! And he said that he doesn't want to share constantly for months!!! Stabbing my heart and chipping at my will little by little... It was news to him because while I was suffering, begging, crying... and slowly fading away... He didn't care... Because from his side, he had a devoted codependent slave, so he didn't care if I was in pain because he had everything he wanted.

I'm sick of that shitty deal. I'm so sick of him.

I now see how badly he manipulated my head and toyed with my heart... How much he used blame and guilt to get compliance. From the start I said that I don't want to get into the habit of writing everyday because I don't want to feel coerced with obligations, I want to work on projects if I feel like it...

I never wanted this. I wasn't happy. He was right to say that he's way too boring to share.

I want to know nothing about him. Nothing.

He used another email to email me... Before that I moved on, I was happy at last, I felt free, I didn't miss him at all. I stopped being upset, angry, frustrated and hurt... He came back to twist the blade in the wound. Even after I told him to go to hell and to leave me alone... He kept sending me an email everyday... I didn't see that because I added a filter in gmail to send it straight to the trash, where it belongs. He promised that he wouldn't hurt me... while hurting me... He promised that he would share... while refusing to share...

He explained that saying that he doesn't care that he broke my trust didn't mean that he doesn't care about me... He broke my trust... It means that he broke my heart, mind... he hurt me so much and for so long that he broke ME. How is that caring about me...

I don't trust him... and therefore I don't like him. He's the kind of person in complete fucked up contradiction that can try to claw what he wants from someone he doesn't trust by sating comfy in his armor. That's not a balanced relationship, that's just abuse.

I met someone when I was a teen who also liked bears... He was always contradicting himself, his words didn't match his actions, and between days his actions and words switched around... Nothing ever matched... I started to write everything that he did and said to try to understand the truth... The truth was simply that he's bullshit and not trustworthy. I never liked bears. I tried to force myself to overcome that with my new friend who also liked bears... But all that it gave me was the same twisted torment messing with my heart and breaking my heart... Promising more than he can deliver... Promising things that he refuse to give because he want them from me and want to fool me instead to share fairly by returning it to me.

I cannot always do my motto "return what is given to you, whether it makes you vengeful or grateful". I cannot torture someone as much as they tortured me. Denying them their whims by ignoring them and breaking free might be as close as it gets... But I don't do it for vengeance... I do it because that's what makes me the happiest. My life is about my own happiness.

I didn't read everything because it was too much bullshit. But he wrote that trying so hard deserves another chance. Another chance to hurt me!!! No way. I don't want to go through that again. It was hard to move on. He didn't know but I tried many times before that.

But he never noticed no matter how much I begged and cried. He never wanted to notice. He never cared. He only cared about what he could claw out of me by toying with my head with lies...

I never liked bears. The first time I saw his bear avatar I had a utter feeling of dread... That's all I feel now, and even less than that. Sometimes prejudices are for a good reason... People with similar interests, upbringing, culture... can be similar... Sometime prejudices can save your life.

I will never trust anyone who likes bears again. That's how disgusted I am.

I cannot force myself to like someone that I despise... someone who relentlessly hurt me and refused to make an effort doesn't deserve my best effort.

I would rather spend time with other people or by myself.

I don't want to hear from him ever again. I'd throw his letters in the trash unopened or return them to sender. I'd attack him and would call the police if he came to see me.

I clearly told him that he hurt me and to get out of my life.

He refuses to respect me. He refuses to stop hurting me, he does simply by being there, by being who he is... because he's the kind of person who manipulate, lie and coerce... he'll probably end up as violent as his father because he doesn't want to make an effort to share better... and just looking at him sickens me.

Denying me what I need and harassing me to get what he wants, using lies, manipulations, guilt trips by blaming me for what HE did to ME, all that fucked up mental bullshit that ripped my mind apart and ripped my heart... It wasn't done out of love... or friendship... or care... It was done with violence to gain something that he wanted.

I'm going to do whatever the hell I want. And he's not part of it.

I walked away for a reason. I walked away because I wanted to. I don't have to justify myself.

I owe nothing to anyone.

The only thing I owe is to myself. My own self respect to get back the dignity that he tried to claw away.

I don't want to be loved. It was never my wish.

I want the damn fucking peace.

He can talk to my trash can if he wants to, but that just pathetic. And he knows that it's creepy, he said so. But he wanted to make sure that I'd get the message, even though I said that I don't want to so badly that I blocked his email... He wanted to make sure that I was powerless to get what I want and that his will would crush mine. He thinks that it's okay to harass me against my will, disrespect, stress and hurt me... because all he cares about is to get what he wants! He doesn't see why that's a problem for me... no matter how much I explain how much it hurts me... He even thinks that it deserves another chance, a reward... Why would I want more of that ABUSE!!! HELL NO!!! If he refuses to move on, that's not my problem! His life and happiness isn't my responsibility, MY OWN IS!

I don't want to walk back into something that made me so unhappy that I thought that having nothing would be better.

To move on, we have to move forward, not backwards.

The fact that he doesn't understand why is my biggest reason. He shows how much he doesn't open his heart to me to listen and care about my feelings.

This is what I want. I have my own will. I am not an object. I guess it's hard to understand for someone who shamelessly toy with people's heads and hearts.

I don't need him to understand. He can leave me alone even if he doesn't understand that I owe him nothing!!!

I prefer to spend my time differently. And I don't regret my choice. Especially not after the bullshit that he tried to force feed me again. I don't miss him at all. He upsets me, he fucked me up, he made me weaker than I was, being with him made me wither, and I will never feel anything positive about him again.

I wrote this because he sickened me so much I needed to throw up.

I enjoy my life so much more without him, it's amazing how getting rid of the people who drain you and make you feel lonely can be liberating. I have so much energy to get shit done, it's amazing.

I don't want to be anyone's servant ever again. I'm not codependent. I'm finally free!!!

I don't think we should try to explain why we are leaving. They will see it as an opportunity to abuse you more and destroy your resolve and free will, to make you kneel to their wants again... If they really wanted to understand, they would have when we shared our feelings, but instead of that they dismissed them and refused to make an effort to make it work out for us too. If they really want to understand and better themselves, they will eventually for their next relationship... But taking them back will show them that emotional manipulation is an effective way to get what they want, they can just lie, they don't need to make the actual efforts to make the promises come true...

Because they can just feed you more bullshit, and you'll cling on to hope because who the hell would rather embrace despair and be alone... Someone who has hope to find their true needs and the conviction that they deserve it and can give it to themselves! Going into a relationship out of desperation and neediness won't fill your needs, your weaknesses will be nurtured, deepened, toyed with, worsened... so they can be exploited and abused. I forced myself to overcome this and I got stronger for it. I don't want to return to someone who will constantly try to pull my strings until I wake up slowly pulled into something that I never wanted again, and that is sucking all my energy and time away.

I thought that I could save him, but he was my damnation... I can only save myself. And I did. I saved myself from him, by giving up false hopes... I also gave up the constant disappointment and despair that came with it. He was the cause not the solution. He preyed on my weaknesses, he didn't make me stronger.

I felt bad to burn bridges; I wished I could find a way to save a relationship somehow... But after seeing him harass me and disrespect my will... There was never a relationship to begin with... just abuse... He never cared about me, only what he could get from me... If for that he had to make me cry, he was so careless that he thought that I was happy because he was... Even watching me cry... As long as he was happy... He wouldn't even acknowledge my tears... That's fucking heartless...

That's probably how his dad feels when he beat him up so he'd do all the chores and everything that he wants. I'm so happy that he lives to far away from me to be able to touch me... So very relieved... All I needed was a trash filter to get rid of him... Well, two... He kept harassing me even after I told him that my good feelings where gone and I despised him and want him hurt and that I wouldn't care if he did his suicide threats for real... That's some massive hatred... And he kept harassing me... There's nothing to gain from me anymore... Nothing... I finally saw what was behind the wall that he refused to open up... And it's a disgusting pile of bullshit. I don't want that.

Sometimes it's necessary to burn bridges; some maniacs won't even stop if you set them on fire. That's not heart warming.

I don't even think that he's worth fighting back and arguing with. That's how much I'm done being his friend.

Silence is the strongest explanation that someone could receive. The strongest form of rejection. He doesn't even deserve my hatred.

Don't hesitate to move on, I found out that I had funny friends all along. I was blinded by manipulations to make me feel coerced so I'd only devote everything to him, and I allowed it... But now I see how damaging it was to me... and I can see all the fun potential of everything and everyone around me. But I see none in him. The pain that comes along with it isn't worth it.

I needed to move on and discover new things and people... Diversity made my life so much richer. My only regret is waiting so long before giving up. At the second that he contradicted himself, didn't act according to his words, and made me cry... I should have run without looking back. I shouldn't have waited until he dug himself deep into my heart with false promises... He used guilt against me to coerce me...

I don't feel a shred of guilt about doing what I need in my life!

At first I left because I thought that I'd take a break. But I enjoy my life much more without him in it. I intend to keep it that way. NEVER AGAIN.

Forgiveness is about letting go and finding your own inner peace. Not giving another chance to hurt you... to someone who already did more than you could bear.

Free yourself!

I looked at my whole project again... Can you believe that this retard still doesn't understand why!? It's crystal clear! I was confused and I write too much, but in the short posters, I freaking nailed it! I kept telling him to stop contacting me and it didn't work. So now that I added a gmail filter to skip the inbox and go straight into my trash, go ahead, you and the trash can are meant for each other.

If that's really the best that he can do and get... then leaving is the wisest thing I did for myself since I know him. If he refuses to make the effort to move on, I still will for myself. I refuse to drag his dead weigth.

Honestly, I saw the art he made for Easter... It was the exact same wolf face on a background again. He didn't put us both together in a funny creepy situation... There wasn't much thoughts in it, no warmth, no originality. The only fun I had was the one I did for both of us. And I have much more fun now that I don't have to use stinking brown bears. I didn't read after that... I thought "Why the hell am I torturing myself reading this bullshit..." then I stopped and I deleted him.

I don't want this... I owe him nothing... I don't care about being a good person and letting someone suffer... All I can do is save myself, and I sure as hell do! From abusive people like him who don't make it worth my efforts by refusing to return the same!!! He said "Was it really that bad being with me." YES!!! I even cried! I was staying from guilt trips, I don't have a shred of guilt about hurting him anymore. He keeps claiming what he wants, he asks what my demands are.

I said it in my last email: GO TO HELL.

Years ago I finally understood that to be good to myself I have to be bad for others sometimes... Because what others want can seriously hurt me, and a despicable wish like that mustn't be granted. I have a kind and caring nature, but wasn't born to be devoted to anyone; I wasn't born to be exploited. I was born to live, to live my own life, and

I refuse to waste it away for someone who doesn't even want to make the effort to share.


Every time he said that he doesn't want to share, he rejected me. And now I'm gone. And now he whines that I stopped giving him what he refused to give me... I don't give a fucking damn that he suffers the way he made me suffer for MONTHS!!! Clinging to false hope and bullshit. And I'm so happy that I threw away the piece of my heart that loved him. My only regret is that I didn't give up at the VERY SECOND that he said that he doesn't want to share. Now we're not going to. I'm happy about it, he's not, hahaha the irony! I warned him that what he wanted was painful, he didn't care because he thought that it would only hurt me!!!

People should be careful what they wish for... and they should nurture what they have instead to take it for granted forever... Because there's a limit to what people can endure... and walking all over that limit might seem like you get more at first... but then the person's trust breaks and you end up with nothing. NOTHING!!! I don't give a shit about if I'm wrong or not, or if it's my fault or not. My wrongs doesn't give him the right to hurt me. And no matter what, I can choose what I do with my life, who's welcome or not, AND HE'S NOT WELCOME IN MY LIFE EVER AGAIN! I don't have to justify myself. I just needed to vent. I have no regret. I don't miss him. He upsets me.

He even used suicide threats to use guilt to coerce me, even though he admitted that he'd never do that and finds it stupid. GO DIE!

I enjoy my decision of cutting him out of my life. He should have thought about the consequences before giving me bullshit... and he never stopped thinking that false hope would work to bait me again...

I am so beyond disgusted... If he forced his way in front of me I could seriously hurt him. Thankfully, I don't have to dirty my hands.

I can just let go and walk away towards funnier things and funnier people.

And finally enjoy it without being constantly stabbed in the heart by someone who'd rather mess with my head than truly bother to make an effort to share.

I can't change the fact that I stayed too long, but I sure as hell won't be going back for more bullshit.

I have better to enjoy~

And now that I'm done puking the bad mood that seeing him again gave me, I'll go do that.

My life got better without him. At first I didn't think it would, I thought that it was the worst case scenario, but sometimes less is more. The big scary empty space that he no longer occupies allowed better people and activities to come in. People who want to share painlessly and spontaneously like it's the obvious thing to do with a friend, without being guarded and constantly pushing me away, contradicting themselves, toying with my head and heart... agreeing to something to get the result but refusing to even try to live up to it because it's embarrassing...

Fuck this shit. I swallowed enough of his hostile lack of enthusiasm, now all I feel about him is hostility.

He refused to trust me enough to share together, and now I don't either. Ever again.

Enjoy the result of your choices. You'll have to live with it.

Leaving is the best decision I could have made.

Bullshitting someone with fake promises and guilt tripping manipulations doesn't earn you a relationship. It destroys it. Slowly but surely.

The only way to make him understand that is by burning our bridge... but he still refuses to understand. Then he's doomed to repeat the same mistake and get the same bad ending.

But that sure as hell is not my problem, because it won't be with me.

Enjoy. As far away from me as possible.
Lisa Of Shades
18 April 2016

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Burning bridges ~ The warmest part of my relationship.

Deprina: "I have no regret. But I should have done this sooner."
Burning bridges can be the only way to find warmth when being in a cold relationship. You can't stupidly go back for more pain and he won't have the chance to drag you back.

Burning bridges ~ Move on and don't look back. ~ He can't drag you back ~ Rage comic Derpina problem like a boss

It's a face from rage comics, Derpina. I merged the body of "like a boss" and the face of "problem?". She's solving problems like a boss.

I felt bad about being the kind of person who can't keep friendships and end up burning bridges... But after I noticed that he harassed me everyday for 2 months with 2 different email addresses... and how much he gave me lies and bullshit, contradicting himself and blaming me for it when I wasn't even there!!!

I now understand why burning bridges is necessary. I didn't want to let him near me because I thought that I was too weak to resist constant manipulation and lies, trying to get more and more, pulling more and more... Basically dragging me screaming and kicking until I'm too exhausted to fight back... That's how I ended up codependent and unable to put my needs first, and it was hard to break free because he brainwashed me with so much guilt, making me believe that his pain and whole life was my responsibility. Hell no, it's his.

I don't want this. I don't want to try to salvage a tainted relationship... Because I am the kind of person who devotes myself with all my heart and try to make it work way past my limit... If I give up it's because it's worse than painful and not worth the trouble... It's because I'm drained empty, getting sick, and that it's literally dangerous for my very life to try to continue... I'm withering away while he sucks the life out of me... without wanting to bother to return the favour... Refusing to share... refusing to give... but also refusing to receive! Rejecting me for trying to do the very things that he promised and demanded... It hurts so much... It shattered my mind and heart... It was pure torture. I don't want this bullshit.

I have to run for my life, and if I can put a wall of fire that will stop him from relentlessly harass me to claw more out of my soul, hell I would... I'd send him straight to hell where he can't torment me anymore... Pulling my string to make me feel guilty... to make me feel shamed... to make me feel sad for him... That's not making efforts to make me feel safe, loved and happy. Don't confuse loving to abuse someone like a toy... and loving the person enough to care about not breaking their trust, heart, mind... and who they are.

If I really was happy, I wouldn't have left. If I was miserable enough to leave even though I was being strongly manipulated emotionally to stay... then I was intensely miserable to break free from that really thick brainwash and dare to let go of those huge dreams that he lured me with... I'm not going to go back to that... I can't go back because it was just a lie in the first place!

When he gave me a hateful video... I didn't cry because it was scary... I cried because I saw that all his promises to meet, marry and live with me forever where pure bullshit. He didn't even want to make the simplest effort to show me his face and talk to me from afar!!! And if he came here... he would threat me with hatred instead of love... I had that all my life... people claiming to love me but acting with hatred... and he's no different... he's full of bullshit too.

I cried because I saw that the person I loved didn't exist. That's why he refused to open up and share who he is... he was worried to reveal that he was just toying with my head and fooling my heart... But I kept seeing it way before that... the evidence piled up until it became undeniable... and unbearable to be with him.

I'm not going to forget that all the joy I tried to reach was just a fake promise and that he never intended to make it come true. I'll make my own dreams come true, without someone to drag me down and lure me in the wrong direction... Like the quote I saw, sometimes it's good to burn a bridge so you can't go back to a place that you never should have been... I think that meeting him had a purpose, I understand more about codependency, and maybe it was the best for a while... But it's no longer what I need or want, I can't handle the pain, and I have no reason to.

There is worse than losing a relationship... noticing that it was just fake all along and you where making a fool of yourself... At least when you lose something beautiful you can cherish the memory... But when you notice that you where just being manipulated with lies... then you lose hope that love even exist. I won't cling to a lie. I don't mind living a life without being loved. That sure as hell is better than letting someone use my kindness as a weapon against me to abuse me... and gain things that he won't even do for himself... even less for me.

I took away his future with me. And if I could take away the past too, I probably would. But I guess he'll suffer more by tasting the grief that he gave me.

I make myself wonder how I can be so heartless... That's surprisingly easy when someone destroys your heart.

I wouldn't be able to give him more even if I wanted to. And I sure as hell don't want to!

I am free~ And I am enjoying it~
Lisa Of Shades
18 April 2016

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NO. You don't decide what I do with my own life.

NO. I do what I want with MY life! I don't have to justify my free will.

No abusive relationship ~ I do what I want with my life. I don't have to justify my free will. ~  Assertive angry rage comic

It's a rage comic face and it expresses my assertive angry disgust very well.

Our free will ends where someone else's free will begins. We can't dictate someone else's life just because we want to. That's abusive.

I'm so pissed that he won't take no for an answer, he pushes, pull, harass, guilt trip, blame... and even threatened suicide! This is why the relationship is abusive, he refuses to respect my limit, he refuses to be satisfied with what I have to offer and tries to claw more... He did it when I gave him everything, and he does it now that I have nothing left to give.

He kept asking why to coerce me into keeping to talk to him so he could manipulate and break my resolve... as if breaking my trust, heart and mind didn't do enough damage already!!!

I'm not a marionette who'll docilely let anyone get their fist up my ass and manipulate me!

Fuck off!
Lisa Of Shades
18 April 2016

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You're dead to me

"If you don't give me what I want, I'm gonna kill myself!" Threat from an emotional manipulator. The unlovable loser.
Woman with a sign: "Save the planet kill yourself."
Threats. That bullshit is all that you have to offer and I don't care. Either way, you're dead to me.

You are dead to me ~ Suicide threats ~ Save the planet kill yourself ~ Woman with glasses and a sign

"You're dead to me" is not a death threat. It means "I no longer welcome you in my life, I grieved our relationship and I no loner care about you, you mean nothing to me, you're already out of my life whether you want to or not and there's nothing you can do to make me feel anything for you ever again. I don't even hate you, I don't have any passion left for you, I'm indifferent."

He harassed me and pushed me beyond too far, and he thinks that he deserves a reward for it! Be grateful that I don't give you back the anguish that you gave me. But I guess he was happy when I said that I want him to be in pain and don't care if he dies... because I gave him attention and that's all he cares about. He succeeded to make me talk, so he thought it was just a manner of time before I'd get lovingly on my knees 5h a day all over again.

I am beyond disgusted by him. If that's love, then I don't need love. But it's not love. It's the opposite.

Telling someone to kill themselves is going too far, that kind of harassment is too close to attempted murder even if they can decide what they do and are responsible for their choices... It's pushing them off a cliff and asking them to do one more step... But what I'm saying is "go ahead" to someone lying to manipulate me. It's clearly emotional manipulation. He admitted himself that he would never do that and it's stupid.

I wanted to commit suicide in elementary school but my survival instinct wouldn't let me, so I never could... But I wished to die every day since, because my birth wasn't wanted in this world and I couldn't bear to be constantly reminded... by the people who pretended to love me... so I'd open my heart and let them stab me even more deeply... I'm fed up by people who claim something but do the opposite, who claim to love but threat me worse than an enemy.

I've been so sick that I was bedridden with no life and no hope to ever get one, and yet I couldn't just die, I had to suffer... I'm healthier and stronger now... Because I gave up what I want to only take care of what I need. If my own whims are irrelevant, begging me for yours is pointless.

He knows most of my past... with he suicide threat he twisted a knife in my deepest wounds on purpose! Once again lying to get what he wants from me... He lies about both the good and bad stuff... He has neither to offer. He's nothing. He doesn't have the guts to go through anything, not a loving relationship, he didn't even have the courage to call me his lover so we where just friends all along, and he wouldn't even try to go through with his suicide... So why say it? Just to hurt me, to intimidate me, to guilt trip me... to force me against my will and against my best interest with the most scary and painful thing he could think of... with death.


My survival instinct is so enraged by this attack against my mind and heart... I can't even describe. Love, friendship, trust, and not even being acquaintance can flourish from that much disgust.

Lying to fool me with false promises was bad enough, but lying with fake threats to scare and hurt me on purpose is beyond despicable. Either way he never tried to build a relationship together, he mistrusted me and treated me like an enemy to outwit, fool, win against, to claw what he wanted out of me... He wanted to break my will and get what he wants... And he broke my trust... All he had to do was open up to share himself and give me his heart... He didn't want to do that... But he found it easier to lie and abuse me.

He didn't want to bother for me, but he wanted to bother me! He didn't want to return what he took, he just wanted to abuse me... He was glad to hurt me because he was benefiting from it, and now he's sooo saaad that I won't let him abuse me anymore!!!?

When I was the one in pain, he didn't care so much that he thought I was happy!!!? Because his own happiness is all that mattered. He misses the time that I sacrificed my own well being, exhausting myself to make efforts for him. I don't miss his cold wall, so cold that he was even refusing to try... aggressively... when he was the one who proposed and asked for it in the first place!!! He messed with my head and heart so badly, I felt so ripped apart that I felt physical pain!!!

My adrenals where already exhausted, the stress was literally sucking the life out of me and slowly killing me. When I left I felt lost and hurt at first, but then it felt like I finally got a breath of fresh hair... Like a really heavy asshole finally got pushed off my chest! I have to put my life first, and especially put it above the wants of someone who doesn't care if he hurts, sickens and kill me. He refused t stop hurting me, he refused to let me stop exhausting myself. All for him and nothing for me but pain, manipulation, lies... and even threats!!!

There are no amounts of gifts, images or words that can compensate for something so vile!!! No shallow gifts and meaningless conversations can make the unbearable worthwhile. Nothing will make me want to give something to someone who refuses to reciprocate the same effort!!! I won't give my love to someone who makes me feel threatened. I won't give my cares to someone who doesn't care about hurting me!!!

No, I have NO PITY for the merciless!

So you can go ahead and kill yourself! You'd be doing me and the world a favor if that's the only way that you'd stop harassing and hurting me.

He wrote that our relationship couldn't have been that bad... From his side it probably wasn't because I did more efforts than humanely possible, more than anyone should... But he wouldn't reciprocate. Yes he wrote stuff and made arts... but he never made the effort to share himself so we'd truly be close, he kept his distance, when I tried to get closer he became aggressive because he never trusted me back... He never opened his heart warmly... He was just abusing me for attention while being safely in his armor, he felt safe while I was agonizing begging against his cold wall...

How bad was it? He threatened me with death. Mine or his own makes not much difference. He threatened me with death!!! That's as bad as it can possibly get... the only way to do worse would be to actually kill me or himself in front of me hoping to give me torturous nightmares for life... Why would I want to meet someone like that, NO! Stay the hell away from me and die away from me!!! Either way, for saying that to me, it's clear that he has nothing good to offer. Here's some synonyms of threats:

Intimidation, pressure, bullying, fear, terrorization, coercion...

It's not a synonym of friendship, love, affection, respect, trust, care... It's the exact opposite.

And he keep asking me why not...

Because when I feel hurt, mistrust, fear and loathe someone so intensely that I want to kill them, I don't take the risk of ending up in jail... I simply walk away!!!

I don't give them my love and I don't let them abuse and hurt me more!

He kept replying me as if I was never gone, refusing to acknowledge my will and feelings... I met other people who tried to get things from me against my will before... Pedophiles who tried to rape me, thieves who broke into my home... It gave me nightmares for years and I have knives everywhere. I don't see him like an old friend giving me a friendly email... I see him as harassing me against my will... like the other criminals. And he thinks that he deserves another chance for it, a reward... As if the people who tried to rape me and stole for me asked me for a fucking sandwich and a thank you after making me cry, bleed and taking everything from me!!!

He refuses to understand why this is painful... because every time he hurts me he likes it... but getting what you want from me hurts me!!! Because that's the effect that is has on me!!! Because I don't want to!!! PERIOD! He's freaking me out and I want him to stop!!! He's like a bird shitting in my windows! A cockroach crawling across my desk! He disgusts me and I want him gone!!! He's dangerous. I'm so sick of being abused... harassed... against my will and at my peril... by people who are so selfish and heartless that they don't care if it hurts me... they refuse to even acknowledge it... that's how much they don't care...

I absolutely don't want to suffer the torment of being forced to be with someone against my will, and be coerced to devote them favors that I don't want to give to such repulsive people. I'm ready to kill if I have to!!!

Stop trying to force yourself on me against my will! I'm not replying you because I don't want to!!! STOP HARASSING ME!!!



Lisa Of Shades
18 April 2016
Edited: 20 April 2016

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Disgusting dog vomit

Harassing someone against their will even after they told you no and to stop bothering them.

How you think you look: Bolt with puppy eyes thinking repeatedly: "GIMME!" (Give me)

What you are actually doing to their lives: (Family guy's dog Brian throwing up in front of Stewie who's slowly backing away.)

You're disgusting. I don't want you. Go away.

Bolt puppy eyes Family guy dog throwing up ~ Harassing someone ~ Disgusting vomit

I begged him for months to give me back the love that he asked of me and that I gave me... This is basically what he did to give it back. He had too much but instead to give me some he demanded more. I'm sick of him. He didn't put his heart into our time together. I ran away crying "You never had the intention of opening me your heart" that's more explanation than many people got, and more than he deserved... But even after making most of this project, he still wouldn't understand why I didn't want to continue to give him everything he wanted while being denied the same warmth. I can't even describe how stupid and selfish he is.

He refuses to understand that it's not pleasant and worth it for me, so he never will. He's even so delusional that he think he's doing me a favor and that I owe him constant pettings. I got fed up after he preferred to whine and do self pity on Valentine's day... I've been waiting for him to dare to act according to what he said he wanted from the beginning... I ended up angry and fed up way before he noticed that I stopped loving him. I probably never did... I was waiting for what he never wanted to try. I didn't do this project for him but to help me acknowledge how much I'm wasting my time, energy and good will on someone who doesn't even respect me.

I dedicate this project to anyone who've been neglected and abused, I don't know how it's possible to manage to do both at once to someone, but that's how I feel... I dedicate it to all the people who've been taken for granted by their loved ones who didn't bother to reciprocate with enthusiasm, letting them suffer only caring about what they got out of it, until it was too late... And the only reason they gave to get you back is "I want more." Even though they didn't want to give or even do it for themselves.

I dedicate it to all the people who need to mourn their own illusions, after clinging to nothing but false promises... noticing that all they had all along was disappointment. Don't wait for someone to make you happy, go and make your own. Or you'll let someone else take all the joy out of you... and leave you hurt, frustrated, miserable and exhausted while they're overflowing in abundance but still not satisfied... and not understanding why you're unhappy with the shallow effortless scraps that they throw your way. All I know is that I'm happier without him and that I prefer to put my energy on other hobbies to fulfill myself. I didn't find self esteem in servitude, it destroyed my dignity.

Save yourself and let others figure out how to save themselves. No life forms can live two lives at once; we have to make the efforts for ourselves. No relationship can be build one sided, that's just slavery and abuse.

If you're miserable then find what you truly need and get rid of what poisons you. It's true about food, and it's true about people too.

I'm not perfect, but my hands are full trying to clean my own shit. I don't have energy to waste doing for others what they should be doing for themselves.

Enjoy your new found freedom~ I sure as hell do.
Lisa Of Shades
20 April 2016

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Impaled on display to scare others away

A warning to all the inconsiderate ingrates who take my kindness for granted: I can give it and I can take it away!

Dracula untold ~ Warning ~ Impaled people ~ sunset background ~ Abusing kindness ~ Inconsiderate ingrate ~ Ungrateful ~ Revenge, death

It's from the very good vampire movie: Dracula Untold.

He uses a bear as avatar and I wanted to impale a bloody decapitated bear head... But I never want to see a bear again. Not him or any bears. That's how much I feel disdain about him. I wanted to make one last art to see him dead... But he disgusts me so much that I don't even want to see that. That's even worse than wanting to kill him... That's not hatred, the passionate opposite of love, what I feel is a disgusted indifference. I can't even read his shit, I'm not intereste so much that the words don't read my brain even if I look at them.

I've been patient for too long with someone who didn't put his heart into the relationship and went at it half assed. Playing yoyo with my heart demanding things but not even opening his heart to welcome it, constantly rejecting me. I'm so disgusted by him that I want him gone from my life and preferably the surface of the Earth too.

I've met many people like this. Probably everyone is this way. They think that my kind nature is an endless resource that they don't need to earn or nurture. Just looking at how humans threat the whole planet shows human nature. They pollute with poisons the very air, water and food that they need to survive... for greed and insecurity to get more than they need, or to make superficial things that they don't even want but end up thinking that they can't live without. Good luck living without air, water and food, assholes.

And my life is so much more enjoyable to live without you!

The reason why we don't want "good guys" is because they are so bad that they don't even notice and refuse to hear it when we tell them, they are so convinced to be good guys that they refuse to make efforts to improve the pain they cause, improve themselves, or even try to make their share of efforts to make the relationship work! They take for granted that they are good guys and that good women should be at their knees and give them all the good stuff they want just because they think they deserve it, just for being good guys.

At least assholes have the guts to go for what they want even if it hurts the people who get in the way. Good guys just sit on their asses and whine like little babies, wondering why women don't throw themselves at them. NO. It takes hard work and sacrifices to have a relationship. If you're super happy, find it easy, and get everything you want without compromising doing stuff that is hard... Then you're making the other person do all the hard work, get all the pain, and none of the rewards. It's just a matter of time before they figure out that you'll never wake up and decide to pull your own dead weight. You'll be thrown in the garbage where you belong, along with all the other "good" stuff that are not worth the trouble.

Beware angels. There is nothing more deadly and dangerous than the wrath of an angel who has been wronged. Lucifer was an angel. He had enough serving god's ego like a slave with nothing good in return. He preferred to rule in hell than serve in heaven. I couldn't agree more.

It's my nature to care and be kind. Because I have a very strong emotions. I can feel love and compassion strongly... and I can feel hatred and wrath just as powerfully.

I do not tolerate the people who want to use the best of me as a weapon to hurt me and exploit me. I can overcome my own flaws and desires. I can even overcome my desire to kill people like that. But I won't waste my gifts on people who wouldn't make the same efforts for me. I wouldn't go back to a relationship where I KNOW that I'll be miserable. There are countless people in this world who deserve a chance, because they have a clean slate. I won't give yet another one to someone who shat over it.

I'm done wasting my kindness and some people aren't even worth my wrath, they would enjoy the attention.

They deserve NOTHING.

I wish I could destroy them... but they will destroy themselves soon enough, the same way as they destroyed the relationship with their neglect and abuse. The best I can hope for is to threat myself better and not allow anyone to sway me from a balanced path.

There is far worse than being alone. Some people constantly return to a bad situation clinging to false hope and not having the courage to look somewhere else... I don't go back once I leave, because I don't leave unless I know for sure that there is absolutely nothing I can do to improve the situation, and that the situation is clearly more painful than it's worth.

I never should have been with that person in the first place. It was hard to acknowledge... but my feelings said so from the start and I could no longer ignore that much misery... and murderous hatred. The idea to give anything kind to that person again makes me want t vomit. Everything that he tries to force on me now makes me feel invaded and violated.

It's a liberation to throw that away.

The only law in life is my own survival. I don't owe anything to anyone. "Return what is given to you no matter if it makes you vengeful or grateful." He tried to manipulate me by using my motto against me... Saying that I am obligated to return the attention that he's trying to force on me... My motto was never to force me to be kind! If someone rape me I am not forced to fuck him a second time to thank him for denying me the right to be a person with my own free will instead of a soulless object! My motto was engraved into my subconscious to finally unlock my evil!!! It means that it's perfectly okay and even necessary to be mean to the people who are mean to me, to make them stop!!! My kindness and devotion tendencies aren't in me to be a slave! I was never born to be exploited! I was born to live! My kindness and reason means that I won't spread suffering deliberately into the world, and that I will try to end it if it's in my power. But I am in NO WAY obligated to reward someone who inflict suffering into MY life!!! I have all the rights, and even duty, to stop that person by any means necessary, even murder. THAT'S what my motto means!!! To be evil against evil. To be kind if someone is kind according to MY OWN JUDGMENT NOT HIS!

I am the judge, jury and executioner of anyone who enter my life. I can get them the hell out if I want to. And I don't give a shit about what selfish ungrateful people want. Hell, I don't even care about what I want!!! All that matters is what I need. And I don't need energy robbers into my life.

Because I have the firm resolve to enjoy my life and to get rid of anything and anyone that tries to stop me. If you don't help, you're in the way. If you don't even want to try, then you're dead weight, you're dead to me.

I am so upset with that type of person, I could kill. Thankfully, there are many other outlets that can help me vent. Movies, videogames, art, writing... The satisfaction to know that he alive to suffer being ignored... That's the upside of being so repulsively harassed against my will. There's an upside to everything.

Enjoy~ Out of my life.

He uses a bear as avatar and I wanted to impale a bloody decapitated bear head... But I never want to see a bear again. Not him or any bears. That's how much I feel disdain about him. I wanted to make one last art to see him dead... But he disgusts me so much that I don't even want to see that. That's even worse than wanting to kill him... That's not hatred; the passionate opposite of love, what I feel is a disgusted indifference. I can't even read his shit, I'm not interested so much that his words' meaning don't reach me even if I try to look at them. That's how badly I'm indifferent. So I won't even open his messages. I'm more interested in the health of my own poop. Lower than my shit, that's what he is. That's as indifferent as I can get. And before he tried to email me with a different mail that I didn't block, I completely forgot about him.

I am upset not because I care about him, but because some insect disturbed my inner peace and the sanctity of my home. I want that bug to die for this. So I'll fanaticize that he's one of the impaled, then I'll move on with my life, better friends and more interesting hobbies than doing what he wants. I can't do what I want with his life, there are laws against that, and I respect that, as long as my very survival isn't at stake. But I can do what I want with my life, and he has no say in this. Because I don't give a damn. I don't even want to waste my time explaining it to him. I did, he just tried to manipulate me and coerce me for more trying to crush my dignity...

I should have vanished without an explanation and let him figure it out. Torturing himself alone instead of continuing to have the chance to torture ME. People don't learn from explanations, they just try to destroy it so you'd continue to put their will above your own... What the hell have I done. I never should have let him in my life in the first place. I see that now. I won't make the same mistake again. Would I undo all the fun I had with him? Yes. Why? Because the pain wasn't worth. The only fun I has is the fun I did for the both of us. I can have even more on my own without a soul sucking asshole tainting my efforts by abusing them and refusing to try to make any.

I'm sure that I had something to learn and he was probably useful at some point. But he served his purpose. I'm done with him. He had his rewards already. It's pointless to put more coins in an empty vending machine. I don't accept his fake money anyway. He only bribes me so I'd give him what he wants... If he stopped just one second to think about what I want, need and care about me just a little... He's see that he should leave me alone. That if he needs to use another email address because I BLOCKED him, it's not because life is separating us by accident and he just needs to be patient and wait for me to return, it's because I am still there are DELIBERATELY do everything in my power to reject him out of my life. Because he chose to hurt me, on purpose, because it was easier to get what he wants this way.

He wants me in his life. I want him dead. We can't always have what we want, but something we get what we need: an email blocking option. Really, it's even easier than stabbing with a really sharp knife. And it probably hurts longer.

Lisa Of Shades
22 April 2016

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You remind me of my ex

You remind me of my ex. I murdered him.

You remind me of my ex. I murdered him. ~ Overly attached girlfriend meme

She's Laina, the overly attached girlfriend.

I made that one for fun, this isn't a murder confession, but there's a creepy look in her eyes that inspired me~ I just get rid of people, they're not in my life, so it makes no difference to me whether they're alive or dead. I wanted to write "I dumped him", but the creepier the better. Unless you're a dull person who refuses to share, than don't stalk and harass me.

Lisa Of Shades
22 April 2016

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Taking for granted until it's too late

Neglects you when together. Harasses you after you leave.

Neglects you when together. Harasses you after you leave. ~ Overly attached boyfriend ~ Patrick Gill ~ Rejection, refusing to share himself, taking for granted

He's Patrick Gill the overly attached boyfriend.

In my past relationship he showed me with attention, text and images everyday... so it took me a while to notice and allow myself to acknowledge the fact that I was actually being neglected. He gave me attention, but like an animal trapped in a zoo... Observing me safely behind a glass... Refusing to share himself, be close, deep, and reciprocate. I didn't need everything, just to take it easy and spontaneous... I just needed him to act according to his word... Not promise to meet me then when I get the idea to use video chats, to become aggressive.

I had a few exes who wouldn't even hug me, or look at me, offline. I spent a week visiting my boyfriend and when he came home, he didn't say hello to me, he walked past me when I got up to go hug him right away, he didn't even look at me when I was right beside him... He went to his room and hugged his cat! I broke up after that. The only thing I missed was the cat. He harassed me day and night, I had to send the cops after him twice... But he wouldn't even hug me, he wouldn't even say hello to me, he wouldn't even acknowledge me... And yet he harassed me once I was gone. After that I gave up on having boyfriends. There's no point if they don't give affection and only look at you if they want sex... As if I was just a blow up doll in a closet. Giving sex to get affection is degrading enough, but when you don't even get your half of the bargain... Well... that's why I never gave sex! HA! Fuck yourself.

I've been fiancé to a guy who'd sleep face against the wall with his back facing me... I tried to have a goodnight kiss once, it was a fight and not a cute one... We never went anywhere, he pushed me away to let him smoke alone on his chair instead to cuddle me on the couch... And yet when my gay friend visited he left work in the middle of the day to come harass me completely hysterical while we played videogames... Even though he gave me permission and never played with me... When he grabbed me and shook me, I threw my ring out the window and threw him out the door. I think I would have thrown him out the window too, head first hoping to break his neck, if I was strong enough.

I've been happily single for years. I don't know what I was thinking to give a chance to someone else... I can't handle a relationship. I'm really sick to death of people wanting to get what they refuse to give. Not so fun when you're the one being ignored uh! Fucking die.

Lisa Of Shades
22 April 2016

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NO MEANS NO. The explanation. "No. No. No. No. Kill yourself." Someone who refuses to understand NEVER WILL. Because it's about respect and you can't reason, beg or force someone into loving you.

Black book and pages ~ No means no an explanation ~ You can't reason, beg or force someone to respect and love you.

I wish that this black book existed but I Photoshoped it.

You don't have to justify refusing to use your own life for someone else's benefit, unless you let your own helpless baby starve to death, but a grown man must know how to clean his own shit or he's a worthless partner even if he's rich. I'm not into that. Expression of affection are fine, trying to buy mine without actually putting your own heart into it, as if I was some whore, it's extremely offensive to me. My caring favors are priceless and deserve the same consideration in return.

I wrote so much about my past relationship it's probably enough text to write a book, even though it'd be a bad and boring one, just like my relationship

I know that he saw at least most of the posters because he stalks me and commented on them "Oh you want to move on"... and then he harassed me harder. But I can't force myself to love him anymore than he can. I don't want to be with someone who has no respect for me and that I have no respect for. I expect better from life, myself and others.

He kept saying that I could at least say so, after I told him that I don't care about him so much that I don't even care if he gets beat up and kill himself, and that's why his emotional manipulation will never work again. The last thing I told him is to go to hell... and he keeps saying that he doesn't understand and that I could at least tell him that I don't want to be with him. But that's a trap to force me to give him attention again and listen to his brainwashing bullshit... To break me.

He tried to pretend that he changed... and he was so fake about it that he ended up making another account and pretending to be someone else...

Don't waste your time with someone disrespectful like that. It doesn't matter if he has other qualities or how much you want his briberies... Don't let him buy your dignity, don't let him beat down your spirit, that's even worst than beating your body.

Unless he's physically assaulting you, it's not worth fighting back. Just ignore him.

Save yourself.

Lisa Of Shades
28 April 2016

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Loving words and beautiful promises ~ It's a trap!

(Text is below)

It's a trap ~ Scumbag Steve ~ Admiral Ackbar in Star Wars Episode VI ~ meme ~ What he says vs. what he thinks ~ douchebag

Scumbag Steve. What he says vs. what he thinks:

I changed I swear!
(I made another account to pretend to be someone else and stalk you.)

Give me another chance!
(I want to abuse you more.)

You could at least explain and say goodbye.
(Keep giving me attention. I'll break your will.)

You hate me? Stay anyway.
(I don't care about your feelings. I just want to use you.)

You won't regret it!
(I don't care that you already do.)

I'm so sorry that I hurt you.
(I wasn't until you left me. I'm only sorry for myself.)

You can trust me.
(So I can manipulate you.)

I love you.
(I love what I can get from a devoted slave.)

(Give me what I want. NOW!!! What you need doesn't matter to me.)

Admiral Ackbar in Star Wars Episode VI: It's a trap!


Making this art made me realize even more the bullshit that he put me through. Because I wrote what he said, and then I wrote what his actions meant, what he would have said if he was honest about what he intended to do... It's awful... *shudders*

Trust your instincts. If you feel like he means something else, then he does. Better safe than sorry. Don't try to cling to "what if it's going to be good this time..." when it doesn't feel right, because that can land people dead in the gutter... or worse... waste years of the best years to their life to someone who beat them down... emotionally, mentally and/or physically. If you're not happy in spite of your best efforts to make it work and express your need and limits, then you won't be happy because they don't want to return the efforts and respect you. They just want to abuse you like an object.

When you finally notice the disappointing deception...

RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK! Otherwise it will only hurt even more.

Lisa Of Shades
28 April 2016

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Manipulator fails


Scumbag Steve meme ~ rejection, tries to get back, manipulator, loser, liar, fail

It's really disgusting. He kept saying that he doesn't understand why, truly believing that he's being nice, sweet and innocent... Believing his own lies and bullshit.

Instead to finally give me respect, he just tried to manipulate me harder. He tried to drag me back by calling me weak, to destroy my self esteem. I'd rather be weak alone than strong with someone like him... He sucked all my strength away. To him black is white and white is black... And I thought I was fucked up but I'm sane compared to him.

Even after I left, he never bothered to listen, understand, he never even asked why I was so miserable, he kept saying that he's sure that I was happy, that he's not all bad and that he wants to show me that... Instead to try to avoid making me suffer with his flaws he deliberatedly did his worst to me thinking that it would be most beneficial for HIM, without any consideration for me.

When assholes try to get you back, they claim that they changed even though they don't even understand the problem. They couldn't even explain why you left and how they changed, because they don't care about you, they never tried to change, they just say what they think you want to hear because they just want to keep you like a thing, if they truly cared about you, they'd see how much they hurt you, that they're not what you need, that they're such failures that you should move on to someone else because it would take them too long to get their shit together, that you shouldn't have to constantly try to overcome your past pains with them to be happy, that you deserve a new beginning.

Well, since this is online, his idea to pretend to be a changed man was to pretend to be someone else completely. But to threat me the exact same crappy way. That's the apogee of lies and manipulation. He kept claiming that he doesn't understand why he got rejected and blocked right away. It's because the only person that he's fooling is himself.

While I was with him, he damaged me as a person... He relentlessly claimed too much until he completely consumed my life and made me forget my passions and who I am, so I'd be his devoted slave. Of course it was subtle... Like "Of course you can take a break for yourself, but I'll miss you... I'll be so sad... (Implying: "You'll make me suffer and will be a bad person, my misery is your fault, you're responsible for my life. Give me everything I want! You're not important.") From the beginning I was miserable... I kept wondering how long I'll be able to endure... I was exhausted... I tried to tell him, he panicked, said no no no and begged for more as if I was trying to murder his puppy... I just wanted to breathe... He suffocated me harder instead. I was miserable all along, but he didn't care because from his point of view, someone gave him whatever he wanted... But he wouldn't bother even sharing his hobbies. In almost a year, he never shared what he likes with me... It was a constant struggle... because he was right, he's not worth knowing, because he made it harder on me than it could have been.

When I left him, I was so happy... Until he found new ways to harass me... I shouldn't have to worry that a new friend is actually him trying to abuse and hurt me even more! I shouldn't have to be paranoid and hostile, I should smile again and be happy, without being scared to be dragged right back to hell. I ended up sick from the relentless attacks, harassments, anguish... While he just tilted his head innocently after making me cry claiming to be nice and to make me happy. He's disgusting.

When his account got deleted at kat, I felt utterly liberated. Finally I had help to fight back and show him that what he's doing isn't working, isn't acceptable, is mean, is wrong, won't get me back.

I think I should take a break from going online, hopefully my other friends will understand. I want to savor this victory and get back my strength. I wish he could understand that having 3 emails blocked, 2 kat accounts blocked and 1 deleted means that I don't want him in my life ever again. I was wrong to let him in my life to begin with. If I had known that he was so disrespectful, uncaring, manipulative and abusive, I never would have let him near me. I could have left with some good memories... but his harassment soiled anything good... It was so bad, the good wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth my efforts because all the efforts that he wanted to do was to break me instead to make me smile.

He must stop to try contacting me, he's just making it worse for both of us by holding on to something painful and causing more pain.

If he doesn't understand even after being deleted that he's doing something wrong and unwanted, then he's truly delusional. I begged the moderator to tell him that he didn't fool us because he was becoming psychotic doing dissociation by truly believing that he's another person, and truly not understanding why he got blocked right away, and why harassing me isn't nice. Making another account isn't enough to erase months of abuse and heart break. Making another account and pretending to be someone else isn't enough to change someone's bad attitude. He had the same hysterically fanatic behavior, avidly hunting me down in my personal space... It's take a really insane newcomer to go after a complete stranger this intensely right away, especially since I try hard to hide from the public. His lies were actually more obvious because he put so much thought into elaborating it; it was too exaggerated so something was obviously off by trying to justify trying to contact me so hard, he knew that he shouldn't. It's really too bad that he didn't use that intelligence to be a caring respectful person... Then I would have been happy instead to constantly beg and even cry for him to threat me with respect and open up with trust, I wouldn't have needed to leave in pain, I wouldn't have been tormented for months when it was hard for me too to admit that this relationship is toxic. He destroyed our friendship, he even destroyed me as a person... And he wants me to return to that just because he likes to hurt me.

I'm never going back to that hell. Not for that liar, and not for anyone else who tries to threat me so disrespectfully. Believing your own lies doesn't make them true. But it makes it pointless to stay to explain.

Doing more of the wrong thing won't turn a failure into a success. It will just make you lose even more... And he lost his friends offline too, they attacked him. And if our relationship was offline, I'd call the cops and attack him too. I don't want an abusive manipulator like him in my life. It's painful and he refuses to stop. I'll get rid of him by any means necessary. Claiming to be nice by forcing something unwanted on someone doesn't change the fact that it's assault. He doesn't have the permission anymore because it was a mistake to welcome him in the first place.

I'm going to find a way to let go, I'll try to isolate myself until my wounds stop to hurt... I feel like he claws my flesh raw... trying to dig out my heart and eat it. That's not love... Harassment is a crime. It might feel nice for him, but it feels like hell for me. I'm never going back. I wasn't happy during all those months... I was just being patient for him to start opening his heart and threat me right... To put sincerity in what he was doing... But all he did was to get even more from me... He never cared for me... He wanted to beat me... After he whined for Valentine's day after refusing to make a decent effort at sharing... because he couldn't crush my drawing skills... I realized that I didn't want to spend my birthday with him, I didn't want his gifts...

The only gift that I wanted for my birthday is to be free from him.

I gave that gift for myself, the first thing I did thinking of myself first since almost a year... and I finally became happy! By being without him dragging me down. He refused to better himself, he preferred to do his worst because it was easier to not even try... And he thought that he deserved a reward for MY efforts... I wished for his death so much... Having his fake account deleted is good enough. I'm satisfied with this vengeance, by showing him that he can't win.

I'm moving on.

Lisa Of Shades
29 April 2016

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It's time to stop.

It's too late to try.
She's gone and she won't come back. Trying to force her can only hurt her more. You've done too much damage already. STOP!
Pan. Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman)

She's gone. It's too late to try. You've done enough damage. It's time to stop hurting her. Pan. Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman)

I first used this picture for the poster Fear of failure. It's about trying and making the best of an opportunity. It's about trying and making the best of an opportunity.... while you still can... instead to let it slip away with neglect... But once it's gone because you abused it painfully, took it for granted, and thought that you could do the worst... It's too late. Trying when someone doesn't want you to is assault even if what you are trying to force seems nice to you. If they felt the same way you wouldn't need to force it, they would welcome it. Save the little dignity that you have left and move on, try to learn from your mistakes... No one should stay in an abusive relationship; no one should surrender to harassment... You won't make friends this way, you'll just lose even more of them.

He traumatized me. He damaged my ability to trust, smile and have a relationship with anyone. The good wasn't worth how bad it was, especially not to be harassed for months... But the only new person that I blocked without replying was him, because the only person that he fooled was himself. He really hurt me... But now I don't have patience with his kind of bullshit. If someone won't share with me causally, like it's the natural thing to do, grateful that I show interest in them, I'll just stop trying immediately. I thought that it was normal to be evasive, cold, hostile and closed with new people... but that's the kind of person that he chose to be, the kind of bad friend that he chose to be... He can stay in his armor and die alone in there. I don't want to go into his hell and he's not welcome in my world.

No matter how much I begged he never respected me enough to let me in. No matter how much he begs, he can't force me to feel what I don't or to want what I don't.

Why? Because I don't want to. Because I am my own person with my own will. And I simply chose that I don't want him.

And the fact that he cannot respect my decision to not let him in my life... is the best reason to not et him in my life ever again.

If the best thing that he has to offer is abusive demands, harassments, lies, manipulations, and insults... Everyone would be better off without him. Even himself.

His shit is unacceptable. That's why he gets rejected without a word. He doesn't even deserve the effort and attention that it would take to give him hatred.

Trying to twist the blade in our wounds will just give me more reasons to ignore him.

Lisa Of Shades
30 April 2016

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