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Title ~ Relationships gone bad (Part 1)

(Before my relationship ended)
Opening up ~ To receive, give and share
Frozen heart
Opening up to love ~ Heart surgery
Laina ~ Overly attached girlfriend meme ~ Snuggle

(After my relationship ended)
Fear of failure
Shy cowardly attitude vs. self confidence
Bullshit over the moon ~ Breaking promises without even trying
Make dreams come true or stop lying
Emotional manipulation
I need myself
I heard enough bullshit
Choked by codependency
Being sorry isn't enough to make things better
Ending a relationship to have a better one with ourselves
Ending a relationship to avoid prolonging the pain pointlessly
Breaking up because you're not expressing your love anyway
Codependent ~ Don't be the slave of your own weaknesses
Mistrust ~ Too scared to get hurt to risk being happy

Title ~ Relationships gone bad

Relationships gone bad. Even a broken heart has something to teach you.

Title ~ Relationships gone bad ~ Even a broken heart has something to teach you

I used art as a constructive way to vent and cope.

I mention issues with opening up, codependency, self confidence, violence, abuse... and repeat myself about my last relationship. I'm running in circles in a vicious cycle. I need to let go so I can go in a better direction. But I felt the need to resume the situation for every art since it can be read independently. I don't want to edit my spontaneity, polishing obsessively in a quest of perfection, when it's okay to be confused. Chewing repeatedly makes it easier to swallow. But eventually we have to swallow or spit... so we can try to take a new bite out of life~

I also made this art in another section: Shad wolf ~ Wisdom ~ Connect

I got inspired by my own relationship problems. Writing so much then reading all the titles resuming my issues helped me understand the core of my problems more clearly.

Some posters where made during my relationship with Tij, as I slowly acknowledged that I was struggling with the downsides... and some where made after, when I was too exhausted to continue. Not all posters are about Tij, and

I'm not necessarily right about him.

But I'm right to do my best to take care of my needs.

Even if it means denying someone's wants, including my own. Taking care of myself is for the best even if it requires sad sacrifices. If you refuse to help, you could be the problem. If you refuse to adapt and change, you could be left behind. Never let someone stop you from moving forward on the path of your life, so you can evolve as a better person... Be safe, happy and healthy.

Survival is the only thing required for a successful life. Not all deaths are brutal; sometimes it's by slowly dying from a depressing exhaustion inside. Respect your own boundaries. People won't have the option to break them if you don't stay with them. Sometimes someone is worth it, but sometimes we're already too wounded to take that chance.

We can't have a relationship with someone who's emotionally available. Sharing requires a balance of both sides building something together, with fair give and take. We can't endure abuse and exhaustion forever even if we wanted to, we'd end up an empty shell of who we used to be. A relationship still requires you to take care of yourself. We can only share what we already have... So find self love on your own, because if you think that you don't deserve love, you won't be able to open your heart and receive it even if someone loved you... it's frustrating and heartbreaking for them. Rejecting by fear of rejection makes you cause the pain that you wish to avoid. At least try your best, instead to push what you want away. But sometimes it's necessary to get what you truly need.

I gave everything I could to the relationship... unfortunately, I didn't respect my own limits, I put someone else's wants before my needs... I gave until I ended up empty with nothing left to give. I had to run away completely to rebuild and reconnect with myself. I discovered that I lost control of my codependency, what it truly is, and why it's so toxic... An imbalanced relationship with our own life or with others is doomed to crash... and I did.

My body used panic and social phobia to let me know that I don't have the energy to handle it. Even though I'm the one who chose to flee, I also lost what I hold dear, what was and what can never be. I went through all the phases of grief... sadness, anger, mixed with relief and desperation... as acceptance slowly took deeper roots. I lost my trust in him, so I couldn't stay to try to improve things, because he was unwilling to, liking it this way... even though I couldn't bear being hurt that way anymore... so the only choice he left me was to leave him.

I needed to correct a situation to survive, as my body, mind and heart where wasting away... as love turned to anger when I felt manipulated and abused instead of sharing in balance... But I was the one giving and needing too much... ad to be able to stop I had to stop completely... There is a lot to learn from hardship, with time I hope that I'll find better ways to have a relationship with myself and others, without indulging my flaws and letting myself slip into darkness by fear to disappoint.

Depression isn't a brain defect to be corrected with toxins; it's the body's way to warn us that our needs aren't being met or that we're in pain and we should listen and do something about it. It's a part of grief before acceptance. For the first week I had so much from denying myself my emotional addiction that it felt like dying... But after a week I felt liberated and reconnected with my other passions that I missed, I felt even more alive than before! Because I kept denying myself rest for his sake, so when unexpected bad things happened in my life, it hit me unbearably hard because I was already past my limit.

I had to rest completely to rebuild my energy reserves and heal. Without anyone's influence to figure out what's in my own best interest, without energy robber's demands and even sincere gifts require energy to enjoy... but sometimes they're used as a bribe to manipulate and extort even more... like a worm on a hook to fish... Introverts need a lot of alone time to recharge. It seemed lonely, but it was absolutely necessary. Stepping back by distancing myself from the relationship allowed me to understand the situation better as well. I wasn't as happy as I wanted to believe.

I ran from a problem that I couldn't solve, even though I tried my best, because I needed his cooperation and he wouldn't give it, he didn't even seem to care that he was hurting me and wanted to continue the same way anyway... doing that knowingly is as bad as deliberately. And I ended up only wanting to hurt him back, so we might as well stop to share.

3 weeks after I felt more able to face adversity with renewed energy, but not to run back, like I first craved out of fear of change. Because if it slowly sank me in this situation, it's very likely that I won't be able to avoid it again. But I had the strength to let go and move on. At least make a few steps in that direction... peacefully... towards the rest of my life.

I'm grateful for what we shared together, but every beginning must have an end... That's how new beginnings are made possible. Paths crosses, paths part ways. What's precious in life is the journey... because all destinations ultimately lead to death.

Enjoy... while you still can.

If you want to read more details about what happened and how much I struggled mentally, I vented all my grief out there:
Shad Wolf ~ Wolfie running away

It's not easy, especially if what you want is the opposite of what you need. But it's necessary... and doable.

Save yourself... while you still can.
Lisa Of Shades
15 January 2016
Edited: 16 March 2016

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Opening up ~ To receive, give and share

Opening up. I want to share what you truly want to share. If it’s a cold silent brick wall, then so be it. It sure will be easier than making a garden of roses full of thorns blossom.
But it won’t be as pretty...

Brick wall of ice ~ opening up ~ sharing ~ love friendship

I had an issue with my lover. It seemed to be a sudden fight but the fear and frustration have been growing from the start of our relationship and even of my own life.

We both had severe trauma from abuse and neglect, so the only thing more intense than our need to share is our fear to be hurt by trying.

It's common even in people who seem to have had a balanced life, because it's always terrifying to be rejected. The way I saw it is that I would be no matter what and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying my best, at least it the worst happens, I won't have the regret of not trying as much as I wanted to and even could have. At least if I get rejected it will be because we aren't compatible, not because I rejected myself by not even giving us a chance. But of course it was hard for me. But probably easier because I cope with stress and social anxiety by just over talking and giving people all the creepy reasons that could possibly want to dump me, to get it over with. I make jokes because blank faces and silences make me feel so uncomfortable, to hide my utter depression and actually try to genuinely embrace happiness by at least making myself laugh... and if I'm going to make a fool on myself, I want to do it on my terms... on purpose! Then I can say, yeah I totally wanted to look ridiculous, you just don't have any sense of humor.

People think my personality is defective and that I'm truly stupid... (if it's my way to adapt to people with regular IQ, then maybe that's what I think of them, hahaha) But it takes great efforts and it's exhausting... to act extroverted when having introvert needs (I recharge my energy by being alone, not in a crowd) I feel like I have to do all the work because they play it save and bring nothing interesting to avoid disturbing anyone at all... I guess I overcompensate for all the pains I had, I feel overjoyed for simple things because I endured such hell that it seems so awesome by comparison, when it's just trivial for others... Probably my desperate need for attention after I've been either utterly ignored or bullied... Laughing at my jokes isn't the same as laughing at me, especially if it's harassing me for something that I can't change and never chose and suffer from, like my thick glasses... So I have so many reasons to stay behind a wall, and I probably should, I probably don't know how, but I guess I do when people get too close... It's easy to be friendly with strangers but intimacy terrorizes me...

It's hard for me... but for my lover Tij, I tried so hard... I'm sure he tried hard too... because he succeeded to stay with me when all I wanted was to give up on humanity, run away from the pain, and never try to have friends again... but he stayed by my side and when I was hissing and biting and running... He followed me... he patiently showed me that he care about me and I ended up trusting him more than I thought I could trust someone, and wanting to be close more than I could actually handle myself... but I was willing to try.

But when he wasn't ready to do the same... yet... I felt rejected... that he wouldn't meet me half way... I lost hope... and patience... I couldn't face the fact that it meant that we might never be closer together... I wasn't to push through the fear to know whether it could work to be closer or not... I literally twisted his arm aggressively... I immediately regretted it... but it was too late... He laughed and found it funny and appreciated how much it meant to me... But I've been violent to someone who's been victim of violence, and I know myself how painful it is... I was teaching him that respecting his own limit and needs isn't okay, that he must obey mine even if it hurts him and THAT'S what's horribly wrong...

When he agreed I told him to take his time until he's ready to share more, that I was sorry, that I only needed to know that he's willing to try someday... But he already was... I just pushed him to do it sooner than he could... probably by fear of being attacked again... When he did it... he was so scared that he ended up hostile too defensively, returning my own aggressively and pain...

I felt rejected from fear before... but then I felt plain hated... and deep down I knew he had a good reason... My fears exploded and I cried like a baby, feeling unwanted, feeling hurt... I'm still struggling with trusting him again... Because I saw my own fear, I couldn't handle getting closer either... and I felt the need to give up on getting closer... and even though I was finally trying to do the right thing, respect him and his limits... I was resentful, and so full of grief, pains and fears... All the ones I ever had just came to the surface... I felt threatened and there's the fight or flight reflex for survival... But I didn't want to fight him, his anger was so intense and hateful, love can't be forced so I felt like there was nothing to win... and I didn't want to hurt him... but I didn't want to run away either because I need him, what we always shared was always good enough for me... So I entered the 3rd possibility of the fight or flight... My emotions completely froze... and I became cold... so cold...

He had a taste of how I felt when he chose fear instead of trust... when he stayed closed up without sharing himself by fear that I wouldn't like it and dump him... I kept saying that I need to share all the emotions even the sad ones... and I made myself vulnerable and shared mine... but while it's flattering for the ego to be a savior, when someone can bear the other person's pain... it's harder to dare to be a burden, ask for help when it was so refused to us that we don't even dare to cry in pain or scream from terror... But I want to know my lover; I want to be there for him too... I realized that he probably thought that no one could ever love him and that I would abandon him too if I truly knew him... but then I couldn't prove to him that I truly love him... and he constantly felt unworthy and suffering all alone even though I was there...

Taking is clearly not enough in a relationship... If all we do is take, the other person will run out of energy and will go else where to have their needs met... But only giving is also bad... because we'll obviously run out of energy... but even if it's returned, if we don't respect our limit... we'll end up feeling exhausted, trapped, and feel the need to run away to go heal... That's why I keep doing that even when things go well... I gave him other ways to reach me in case I vanish out of the blue, so exhausted that I end up being unable to even try to do anything... Because any more emotional demand, as simple as it is, end up life threatening on a burned out body... It's important to both give, receive... and take...

But to be able to welcome someone's love, you have to first love yourself... If you are so convinced that no one can ever love you... then you won't be able to believe someone who'll try to... you won't be able to welcome it... Hiding your perceived shame behind a wall, trying to look strong, unable to be vulnerable... But that's being weak... Being strong is embracing our vulnerability and making peace with it, to do our best with our flaws. That's why I always look at someone's flaws to see if they're the kind that I can handle... because no one is ever perfectly good... and no one can keep that up forever... It's unhealthy. So we have to love ourselves and even our flaws, because they can still have a purpose... Like my anger can be used to protect the people I love... and stand up for what's right. But it can also be used to cause pain to the people we love... and if we can't trust them, if we see them as threats, we can end up instinctively attacking them...

If we bottle up our sadness, turned into frustrations, turned into anger... We can end up taking it out on the people around us... in a way that would be much more damaging than simply expressing our needs and concerns. We can only share what we already have... Someone can't pour love into a heart with a black hole in it full of perpetual self hatred... It will never be filled... at best it will cancel each other out... That's not sharing love... To be able to receive love, we must believe that we are lovable. And when we believe that we are worthy of love, we actually end up much more appealing... Perhaps by being simply receptive, perhaps by the strength of the self confidence...

I wouldn't want a soulless slave without his own personality and opinion, even if it causes conflicts with my own. And I can't throw my heart against a wall... banging on a wall without a door... that will never open... And as much as it can feel satisfying to have someone begging to enter your castle, it will never feel as warm as having someone in to rule by your side. Yes you could get hurt... but if the person freeze outside in the cold, crying and begging to be let in... it will hurt too... if they give up and walk away feeling unwanted and rejected... you will feel the hurt of your own rejection too... So we must open up and risk getting hurt and sad from what we want to reach, otherwise happiness can't reach us either...

I struggled with no longer having a clean slate between us, because I don't believe in second chances. I don't want to end up being a beat up wife, having my bones broken, be given an apologies and some flowers so I'd believe that it won't happen again, but then having more broken bones because the person bought me back and didn't feel the need to respect me more... restarting to take me for granted... hurting me again the next time he's no longer in a sorry mood but an angry one instead... That's why I would never go back with an ex. I give everything I can to make the relationship work... if it doesn't... then we're not compatible and it won't later.

But life makes us evolve and change, I am not the same person I used to be... I am a health nut instead of a workaholic, because I had to learn self care to survive my self imposed abuse and exhaustion, I had to face the fact that I was the one abusing myself and enabling it for others, in the hope to be respected, and I had to learn to give myself self respect... that's how I finally found love... my own! It didn't matter whether I deserved it or not... I wanted it, lived by it, acted according to it... and I nurtured it within myself. I still have to learn, but by respecting my limit more, I can learn to let go of bad situations instead to run towards them, I had to break free of the vicious cycle myself, not by putting more efforts for others, but by putting more efforts to give it to myself. By learning self respect and self love, I know better how to give it to other, and by learning how to receive it by my own hand, I know how to accept it from others.

I wanted to run away when I got hurt... because I didn't want to be hurt again... but relationships are never perfect, everyone makes mistakes... The difference is intent. I'm more to blame because I attacked him because I wanted something selfishly. He attacked me trying to actually give me what I wanted but not being ready... If someone causes pain by trying to do their best but failing miserably... it's not an attack it's an accident.

If someone is treated aggressively and end up pushing back... it's not an attack it's a defense from someone who has a soul instead of a boring object, and personally I prefer that. I prefer someone who has the power to hurt me but chose not to because he loves me, rather than someone who can't and is nice even though he doesn't want to and secretly hate me. I've felt hurt and utterly devastated by his hostility, but that's how he should have felt when I behaved this way instead to respect him and give him more time.

I always knew that he could maul me to death. But I never thought he would... I never thought he'd have to... I was so obsessed with my fear of not being hurt that I didn't think I could be the one who'd destroy him.... I felt so helpless, and he tried so hard to be so strong for me, that I failed to see how much he needed me... I didn't think I was worth anything and could be useful for anyone... I was selfish... unable to see that I had something to offer... unable to have enough patience and to control my own greed... I did to him what I feared most... I have to face the fact that I gave him a good reason to lash out... I dared to trust my lover in spite of all the people who hurt me, because I kept reminding myself that he's someone else, and never hurt me before.

After actually being hurt, I wondered how I can possibly trust my lover again... But he won't hurt me unless I hurt him first! And I can trust that... because all I have to do is not hurt him, it's only fair since I don't want to be hurt, since I want a strong lover with self love and self respect so he'll be able to welcome my love and know how to respect me (and help me balance our relationship according to our needs but also our limits)... And if he hurts me after I hurt him, I deserve it. And even at his most hateful, he only voiced his preferences, he never spoke against me. Taking it so badly, taking it personal, was because of my own issues, my own fear of rejection and to be hated... My own inability to respect my own limit because I wasn't ready to face it... to grieve what I wasn't able to handle... to be honest myself... about how utterly and madly terrified I am... and need more time.

I didn't want to abandon him even after I lost hope to help him overcome his shyness, fears and traumas so he could open u to me... I agreed to share his wall of ice, and that's all I felt able to share too... But even though I gave him hell, so much that he fell very sick... He always stayed caring and loving... he dared to overcome his fears for me, but I hope that it was because he really wanted to and not because I forced him to ignore his own limits like a mindless slave... He said that he's ready to do anything for me... but that's not healthy, that was never the problem... All I ever wanted was to feel welcomed... and his fears made me feel rejected... But when he ran full speed ahead declaring his love, I'm the one who actually got spooked! Hahaha. So I was probably part of the problem by trying too hard to encourage him to open up, feeling pressured probably made him want to step back and run too... even though he wanted it.

Flowers take a very long time to grow and blossom open. We need to be patient... And seed trust and love... Not nurture the weed of mistrust. There will always be someone who will love us, and someone who will hate us. For the same reasons. Some people will love us for our flaws, so we can handle each other and understand its purpose. Some people will hate us for our qualities, being jealous and resenting us for feeling inferior, although everyone have flaws and qualities and they should focus on their own strength and love themselves, instead to hate others from envy. It's probably a sin because it poisons ourselves, not to stop us from enjoying too much goodness. Everything can be when used unwisely, but even anger can be used constructively. We can even bond with a common sadness. People bond deeper in adversity than in their happy place, and often it's when we lose someone that we realize how much we should have treasured them instead to take them for granted... and there's worse than being rejected after trying with an incompatible person, it's better to fail trying than being rejected because we just won't welcome what we want... and make a loving person that we love feel rejected. But small steps are what take us far. It's the ride that matters not the destination. Because in life it always ends, and always end horrible, just like life itself. But that ephemeral fragile and rare wonder is what makes it so precious~ It can't be replaced... but while life has a way take people apart and end things... it also always offer new opportunities and beginning.

People can both grow and evolve in different directions and end up incompatible. But it won't change how right they've been for each other for that step in their lives... Change can be required to be able to move on our path and find someone who can be compatible again... It's not a failure, admitting the truth and doing our best for ourselves and each other is always a success, even when it sadly means letting people go... It's always hard to move on from something that we loved so much to the insecure unknown... But it's better than making us both even more miserable than if we where alone. Or course life has ups and downs and it's awesome to be there for each other as allies when life throws blows at us... But when we end up throwing blows at each other.... it's time to move on... and when we throw blows at ourselves, we'll never be able to go anywhere...

Life is hard enough as it is without torturing ourselves, there are plenty of frustrated people with bad coping mechanisms for their frustrations that will too gladly take their angers on you, even when it has NOTHING to do with you. That's what they chose for themselves, it doesn't mean that it's what you deserve, they could have chosen to share joy for their own satisfaction even if you where crappy and unworthy of it. It's what we choose to do that defines us, not what people choose to do to us. It can really be anything.

Anyone can make people do anything for them with lies and a weapon. Getting better stuff doesn't make someone better, it depends on you walked by yourself not how far you went by making others drag you... That's why I'd be more impressed by a poor struggling artist than a big CEO cutting cost by exploiting people in poor countries, working 12h a day for a buck in insalubrious conditions... They're more admirable to survive such hardship that than the socialite who was born rich and just spend her days buying the hard work of other people. Without dirty farmers and garbage collectors to nourish our needs and clean toxic filth, we're die from diseases and epidemics at alarming rates... And yet we praise doctors more for covering up with drugs the damage that we did to ourselves, and enabling us to do more instead to be forced to change by a body begging us to do so with pains.

So the opinions that others have about you isn't what define you... If someone will hate and love you for the same reason, someone is probably wrong, or both are right, or both are wrong... You can still choose who you pay attention to, walk away from, try to find, and make efforts for to share. Life is unfair, but we have free will. And it will always give us both good and bad opportunities, or at least evil and lesser evil choices.

Everyone wants the result, but no one wants the risk and the efforts... or the pain and sadness on the other side of the joyful coin. Some people just want to take and I don't want to waste my time on those... because I can't build a relationship alone... I shouldn't have to do all the work and have the life sucked out of me when I don't even have enough energy to cope with my own messes... But someone who's unable to receive is also problematic... because wanting to love and be loved isn't enough if we don't open our heart to let it flow. We have to open a door in that wall so we can expand our castle, and be safe together. Door can be locked if it doesn't work out, and when it was simply a mistake, tripping on a rock on a nice sunny path, the door can be unlocked again.

Thank you Tij for being so patient with me and trying so hard. I know I'm very difficult to tame. Thank you for welcoming me. And sorry for biting you, you're so tasty to chew and in my enthusiasm I bit more than we could handle. But one thing for sure, you made me as happy as I can be, and if you do your best not to hurt me willingly when you're angry, I gladly want to share more happiness with you~ I need you~ And that includes your flaw, boring facts, your sadness, and even your anger. I love you~ Thank you for loving me back!

EDITED after the relationship ended:
On Valentine's Day I was hoping that I'd feel appreciated, loved, and trusted so I could trust back... But all I saw was the will to beat me, but not even trying, whining to manipulate me into giving him more praise... Even if it was genuine self hatred, not even being able to appreciate and choose love for ONE DAY... I couldn't take it anymore... I didn't want to keep struggling to help him open up... and a week later, he showed me that he never had the intention to.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 20 January 2016
Text: 24 January 2016
Edited: 15 March 2016

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Frozen heart

Frozen heart. After being given such hatred... My heart can’t beat anymore... But it still belongs to you. Thank you for the gift anyway.

Frozen heart ~ negative emotions are a gift too

A good couple isn't one without fights, but able to handle them gently to become able to understand, trust and love each other again.

The drawing was made by ghoner at I don't like to take other people's arts, but it was the best to express my feelings and try to figure myself out. I became unable to feel anything from shock, feel and being overwhelmed by it while not having the energy to deal with it at the time... So my heart froze... but I knew there I still had love for my lover in it... I just needed some time to process things.

It's a really awesome art. I don't think I can do that... but I probably could if I tried long enough. That's also true about love and probably everything else too. But I didn't have enough emotional energy to be creative at the time.

Hatred isn't the opposite of love, it's indifference. Hatred is still passion, and if they bother giving it to you, then it still mean that they think you're worth their time... So it's also a gift... and someone who's sad and annoys you like a burden is still offering you a gift, even if all they have to share is horrible, it's still heartwarming to see them willing to share with you.

When my lover expressed hatred, it wasn't actually against me, but I took it personal because I couldn't handle the powerful negative energy, and it was about something that I thought was necessary for us to be together... but it wasn't, we where happy way before I tried to share more. It worked so well because we never tried to push the ride towards a future, we just enjoyed the present and gently moved towards it naturally~ That's how we got so far for so long. But actually not trying... not pushing it with fears of failure holding us back... We where simply doing and enjoying. Maybe that's what Yoda meant by "There is no try, do or do not" in Star Wars, hahaha.

Hatred, sadness... sharing them is also gifts. As long as they're not willfully used as weapons against the person that you love most. But sharing your pains and frustrations give more things to bond over, so it's good to talk about them. Because the only way to give you what you love and avoid what you hate is to know you. I can let go of something I like and give you more of what you prefer. I can find other ways to enjoy it by myself.

That's why it's important to have a rich varied life, to put less pressure. No one can fulfill all of someone's wants and needs, we can't even do it for ourselves!!! So trying to do it for both, or worse... for someone else at the peril of our own vital needs... can only end up in being completely exhausted and empty, unable to share a thing, and run for our lives. It's bad to demand it... and it's equally bad to give it... We can only share what we already have, so we must nurture it inside us first.

We can't expect someone to live our life for us and solve all our issues, they're there to help us grow as a person, to enjoy and witness watching us evolve into the person that we are meant to become slowly, the magnificence of our own struggle with our own strength, to be the best that we can be, and our loved one deserves that.

Parents are supposed to prepare their children to live an independent life as adults, but they can fail and even hinder it, because of their own flaws not ours. But as adults as much as children, our life is always ours to live, to chose what and who we want to become, and to go forward.

Sometimes a step forward is for the worse. Sometimes we have to push through the rain and patiently wait until the sun comes again, but we often have to dare to take a step in a different direction so it can become for the better. If all we've know is misery, then we have all to gain from risking the unknown. And if we chose to walk where no one has ever stepped before, in the freakiest areas ever, we can discover new wonders. That's how everything that improves your life was invented. So don't underestimate the weirdo, and don't feel too bad by being rejecting by the masses if you are unable to mindlessly follow.

Winter comes, but when summer comes back again, we can both blossom together and helping us figure ourselves out by bringing a new perspective into our journey. But we must always stay gardeners, for ourselves, and that's how we can have something to offer, exchanging some of it for the various fruits that the other person nurtured, completing each other and encouraging us to keep working on the gardens of our identity and lives, in various ways, together and also separated, so we can come back with our new discoveries and have more to share.

Enjoy~ And we can still enjoy each other companies by walking even the worst steps side by side~ So don't worry about being imperfect, it's actually a relief that I don't have to be either!
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 20 January 2016
Text: 24 January 2016

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Opening up to love ~ Heart surgery

Opening up to love. Being loved is like being a heart surgeon. One bad move and some could get hurt, scarred for life, or even die! It's not just about your own pain. Trying to avoid being hurt makes you hostile instead of welcoming. If you both try to avoid hurting each other, neither of you will have to worry. If you make a mistake, at least you'd be trying your best. And that can be forgiven.

Heart surgery ~ Opening up to love ~ Operation blood gore ~ forceps scalpel scissors ~ demotivational poster

With my lover, I was only worried about being hurt... I felt unworthy and that he'd figure that out sooner or later and would dump me... I felt like no one could care or would bother with someone scarred and defective like me, full of red flags, damaged beyond repair, unable to have and give what everyone consider normal and for granted... a lost cause... with nothing to offer... except pain and sadness... and that once again that's all I could get...

I was so concerned with finally being loved that I got overwhelmed by greed... I got hurt, mostly from the results of my own aggressiveness being returned to me... and I fled... but I didn't want to... but it was too much for me... and I didn't want to hurt him... So instead of the fight or flight, my survival instinct chose the third less known option: freeze.

I was cold... and mean... and he suffered even more than I did thinking that he lost me... we both thought that we where being rejected when we didn't... because that's what we feared... that's the only outcome that we believed...

I ended up understanding how much he cares about me by seeing him react the same way I do when I really care about someone... and I finally understood... that the risks in a relationship aren't just about getting hurt, it's about hurting someone too... He got so sick... he could have died... I could have taught to him that respecting his limits is forbidden, that his needs don't matter, and that he has to do anything for me even if it hurts... That's not what it was about... and I could have been tempted to accept... to reinforce that to soothe my insecurities and boost my ego with low self esteem... But in return... it would have DESTROYED HIM and his very identity... it would have destroyed the man I love... I didn't want a mindless slave... and I never freaked out because he didn't give me what I wanted the way I wanted... I only freaked out because I was scared that he rejected me, didn't want to talk with me, didn't care, didn't love me... But he reacted so badly because he did... but he wasn't ready to do it well, so he gave me a gift in a scary way... because he was scared himself... Because I AM the one who didn't love him enough to respect him and give him time... because I was scared... because I was so lonely... and loved him the wrong way... the selfish greedy way... being selfish is vital when it means self care... but not when it means imposing pain on someone we care about...

So I finally understood that I have power and therefore responsibility over him... That I can help him grow and must be careful in which direction my influence will send him... That I can help him smile, or cry... That I can make him happy to be alive, or stress him out so much that he'll literally get sick and die... More isn't more when it breaks and dies... Less can last a much longer time because it's less demanding to sustain so we're less likely to run out of energy and be forced to give up to survive. Less can be more. Especially if spending less time together means more time for hobbies and discoveries, then we actually have a more stories to share, and a more complex being to offer.

I felt rejected by him not daring to open up and welcome my love, feeling (ironically) as unworthy as I felt, and making me feel frustrated and unworthy... He was scared to be hurt... so in a way he was pushing away what he wanted most... and hurting me... Focussing only on not being hurt hurts us both. Because all the focus and energy is given to fear and pain... so that's what is shared... We need to let go... and look at it differently...

If we both do our best to reach what we want while avoiding hurting the other... if we both nurture what we wish to share and hold back what we don't... then we'll put our energy at the right place, we'll both be doing our share of efforts to meet each other half way, to reach and welcome what we want; while being careful not to start a chain reaction of pain that WILL come back at us.

So this is why trust is important... Not only to trust that the other person won't hurt you so you can welcome the good instead of pushing it away... but to trust that you can do something good so you'll actually try and will feel worthy to welcome it back.

I am not a forgiving person, I don't believe in second chances... Because someone who want to hurt me will, and I don't have time to waste with someone who chose that. But when someone choose to share the best, but make a mistake along the way... then this path is still worth walking on by their side... Because I can make mistakes too... even with the best intentions... But "Hell is paved with good intentions"... so we need to open our eyes to the wrong that we can and will do... so we can change and do it right... and that will to admit a fault and do our best with our flaws is worthy of being given the occasion to try again... Because it's not being perfect that makes someone worthy... It's simply trying to be... while failing miserably... because that's an ideal concept that is impossible to reach. So when someone tries the impossible for you, knowing it's not possible... It's makes watching them trip and fall heart warming, not infuriating.

We must always keep in mind our flaws and do our best to surpass them... not hide them with lies... We must always remember that we can make mistakes and hurt others, and we will, especially if we refuse to see that our best intentions failed... and stubbornly do it again expecting the other to appreciate... when it's simply not what they need and can't handle it...

We must remember that the other person isn't a perfect being either and that he's as scared and hurt at us, even if we think that he's so wonderful that he shouldn't be... he probably think the same as us. We'll always meet people who'll both love and hate us... Because there are infinite possibilities and combinations... We can't find a perfect match, but close enough to understand and balance each other with similar and different strengths and weaknesses... But we absolutely cannot find a perfect match in EVERYBODY... Some people are more common and it will be easier for them to find their kindred, but others won't be able to bear to dismiss their interests to fit in, wanting to explore and find new things. While it has an important purpose to help us advance as a species, the more someone is rare, the more they will be valuable to the diverse population even if they're not aware of it and hate it, and the harder it will be for them to find someone who match.. but the more they will appreciate and find joy from it. Instead of a jaded player constantly changing partners and being tired of the routine of not having a routine. It can be the best for some, but the worst for others... and we should dare to try to wait for what we really want, instead to conform to what's there when we dislike it. Sometimes nothing is better.

So people will reject us... and that will hurt us... and we'll be tempted to think that being wrong for them means that our identity as a person is wrong... But it's simply a matter of compatibility... We must be ready to accept our own flaws in others... or we need to correct them... If we can't find them acceptable, then we can't expect others to find them acceptable. And yet some people will prefer it that way anyway. But maybe not always for a good reason. The people that we choose to be with should help us grow out of our comfort zone, not indulge our worst insecurities and therefore reinforce them... I love myself and my partner for our flaws, for their purpose, and the wisdom of using them wisely, of controlling them... instead of letting the worst in us control us and ruin what we hold most dear. So the problem isn't having flaws, but how we use them. Even the worst can be a quality and strength when used for the right reason... and even love can be used as a deadly weapon.

So remember... You can be hurt... but you can hurt too... especially if you are afraid, you'll end up lashing out to protect yourself... Trust is the seed that allows us to make love flourish... Allow the other to decide how much you'll be worth to them, and trust that they can be right to choose for their own needs... And trust that you can choose how much your own life is worth to yourself as well.

You don't need to earn valuing your life, you can spontaneously decide that it matters a lot, that it's worthy of care, and spontaneously make choices according to it... And your life will instantly become valuable. Because you chose to. And everyone can do that about themselves and the life of others. But while the opinions of others can influence you, you're always the one who make the choice about how much your life is worth. You can agree with those who like it or those who hate it, or both, or neither.

But you have power over your life... and while you give power over you to the people you love... they also do the same by loving you... So let's love wisely... Not just to satisfy a need behind a shield... but to become allies to do it together, for ourselves, and for each other, protecting ourselves, but also each other. Doing only half of the dance won't get anyone very far, and only thinking about not being hurt will make someone cause pain carelessly. You can't have the reward without the risks... and if someone is worth the rewards, then they are worth the risks... and to be protected from yourself.

We can't fill every needs for someone, they have to do that for themselves. And we can't protect them from everything or they'd never have an opportunity to surpass themselves and grow. But we can at least try to protect them from ourselves... and if we fail trying, it's not perfect but nothing is, and it's good enough.

Enjoy trying together~ And that means a lot of fails to figure out how to have success.

Image bonus: Open heart surgery, slow motion eruption "a cardiovascular surgeon said they get splattered on all the time... kinda crazy..."

The more you know~

Also, I find it barbaric to add a pacemaker to regulate heart beats by shocking it like a Frank Einstein monster, I found out the possible causes by making my nutrient compilation:

Health ~ Nutrition ~ Vitamins & minerals

A lack of the B complex will have devastating effects on the heart, beat and structure too, even the blood. Irregular beat, weakening of the veins risking bleeding internally, heart failure...

An imbalance of electrolyte minerals (Calcium with vitamin D3 to absorb it, Magnesium, Potassium, Sodium, Chloride, Bicarbonate, hydrogen phosphate, hydrogen carbonate. Phosphorus.) will do that.

Also vitamin C is needed to make everything flexible and that actually makes even bones stronger.
And to make good blood full of efficient red blood cells to carry oxygen, we need vitamin C to absorb iron and glue everything together, iron, B12, and probably the whole B complex because they work together. Otherwise people get anemic and unable to move, literally suffocating if they try to exercise because they can't carry oxygen to burn energy, so they can't burn energy. You won't be able to move by eating refined sugar with all the nutritive goodness taken out so it'd last longer on a shelf. It will make people fat (from toxins and sugar, not fat, fried fat isn't a usable fat anymore because it's damaged, so it's a toxin) but while being heavier will make exercise harder, that's not the reason why people can't move... it's because they lack the water soluble vitamins B complex and C... that causes the worst physical and mental suffering ever.

Forcing the heart with electricity tortures isn't a solution, eating the materials to make it stronger is, and will even make many heart transplants become unnecessary. It was believed that it couldn't be regenerated, science proved that it can, but sometimes scientists have a hard time acknowledging that their believe was a ignorant lie all along... It seems way cooler to be the only hope by using robot technology to feel like a god above humanity... even if it leads to the easily avoidable... It's sick to denying someone a much needed wake up call by enabling them to stay in their self destructive choices with a solution that life never needed...

Enjoy better choices~ pain is a great help to figure that out.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 20 January 2016
Text: 24 January 2016

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Laina ~ Overly attached girlfriend meme ~ Snuggle

Please rest & be healthy again. Since you're so cooperative alive,
I'd rather not turn you into a corpse to snuggle you.

Laina - Overly attached girlfriend meme ~ rest be healthy ~ snuggle corpse ~ grin glare stare

My lover Tij is so sweet that he keeps trying to give me more even when he's bed ridden from school. But even if he doesn't feel exhaustion from the adrenalin rush of stress, will power and desperation, he's still exhausted...

Yes, entering the "fight or flight" mode will force the adrenals to produce adrenalin, even if they need to cannibalize themselves and other vital organs to do so... and you'll be able to do more... but just because you can doesn't mean that you should.

It's better to respect our limit and do a little less to always have energy and nutritional reserves for emergencies, crisis situations, if we always give our 100% we'll shatter at the second we'll get something extra unexpected... and if we give our 110% we'll build a debt that we'll have to repay later with extra rest and nutrition...

That's how I ended up with Adrenal Fatigue and barely able to walk... and even breathing was a struggle...

When sick... it's time to stop and rest calmly to enter "healing mode" so the energy can be shifted to internal healing instead of external productivity... We can't do both... that's why we need to sleep... it's not a waste of time, that's how we can rejuvenate ourselves to live much longer that we would otherwise.

The brain starts to have too many dead cells in need or replacement and memory transfer after 3 days (even just one) and you die after 11 days without sleep... So rest isn't being lazy, it's a vital need for survival.

So I made this joke to express my love, beg him to rest, he's so worth waiting for and just a little hello and hug makes me super happy~ So he can stay alive and hug me back... Because I have more to lose than win in the long term... yes I could greed for more short term even though it makes him sicker, but I'd be a really shitty mate and person... I wouldn't be worthy of his cares and love... but if he heals and stay alive, then we can grow old and live longer together! So I have a lot to win by being patient and getting less.

We're both sprinter, but let's try to pace ourselves to be able to last together through the marathon of life until the end~

I love you~

EDITED after my relationship ended:
I should have said that to myself... I should have done it by respect for my own needs and limits... because I ended up too exhausted to continue the relationship... and I ran for my life a week after Shad Wolf ~ Valentine's Day.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 8 February 2016
Text: 11 February 2016
Edited: 15 March 2016

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Fear of failure

Fear of failure. Nothing is more pathetic than not even having the courage to try. You’ll never be on top of the world with that attitude. Get a grip of yourself! Welcome opportunities with open arms and make the best of bad situations.
Pan. Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman)

Fear of failure ~ Courage, try opportunities with open arms ~ Pan Blackbeard Hugh Jackman

I spoke to him for the last time the day I made that poster. I was so angry, even though I ended up crying like a baby in my bath... when I finally understood why he still wouldn't open up about himself and his hart to me even after months trying to earn it, and to reassure him... he never wanted to. He thought he could still gain everything from me in his cold armor. He wouldn't take it off, because I was an enemy to him, not an ally. That's why he wouldn't volunteer information, he was scared to reveal a weakness... unless he could use it to manipulate me into getting what he wanted from pity.

He refused to let me know him until I wanted to know NOTHING about him anymore. If your life is so dull that it's not worth the bother, then don't make it extra hard for the people who are aware of it but still want to know you anyway. Do something to enrich your life, who you are as a person, so you can have something to bring into the relationship to enrich it with your presence... instead of clinging onto someone else's life because you're too much of a coward to live your own, freely and independently, with your own mind to validate yourself, with your own heart to have self esteem. No one can give it to you except yourself! And you can't share it with anyone unless you already have it to give. Otherwise you'd just take and abuse until there's nothing left and they're as empty and soulless as you. And someone who are caring about other people that they lose sight of their own selves and needs are the perfect prey... until they get physically sick from exhaustion... and emotionally sick of you.

Codependents tend to be attracted to narcissists because they've often been trained by them as a child with abusive parents... or broken before... so someone who's already broken without requiring efforts is the perfect prey to feed their infatuated ego, which is actually insecure and needing reassurance constantly.

I thought that it didn't seem like him...but there are a sub kind of shy narcissists who use self depreciation to guilt you into pampering them.

If I'm going to have a narcissist, I want the flamboyant kind that will give me a good show and will make me proud to be the slave of a superior being... Not clean up someone who shits all over himself because he won't even TRY!!! Because it's easier to whine until someone does it for you... At least using charms as manipulation gives something pleasant, but otherwise the pathetic burden ends up way too obvious to tolerate without disgust making love vanish completely under a pile oh his own bullshit.

If someone won't even try for themselves, they won't try for you, and you can't build a relationship all by yourself by doing the efforts for both, you'll burn out. And I did... Because I had to use all my strength to overcome my own fear and do my half of the path... but because he wouldn't meet me half way, I had to go all the way then bang on his wall in vain... until I realized that it never had a door to open up to begin with... because he wanted it that way... because it was easier on him to make it harder on me... To make me dance and go after a dream that will never be... To distract me from the fact that I was all alone in the cold.

I'll stop wasting my energy on despair that he won't even try to make come true. I'll give my warm love to myself. I actually might end up with more since I won't give it all away.

If he truly loved me but was too scared to even call me his lover, even after we both agreed when I offered... that's his own fault for not reaching out to what was right in front of him! Begging him to do so... What was he so scared about? Rejection? He was the only one doing it... to me. Fear of loss? Then you end up with nothing.

Try to reach for your heart's desires. You're not unworthy if you fail... the path to success is full of stones to trip on... But you are unworthy if you don't even try.

Have some dignity and dare to live your own life!

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 19 February 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Shy cowardly attitude vs. self confidence

Being badass. Is about attitude. Not how you look or what you wear. Own who you are and what you like proudly. (Just don’t hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it.)

Badass attitude ~ Own who you are  ~ Self confidence ~ Hugh Jackman golden pants leopard pattern

This is about self confidence, which is necessary to have healthy relationships with yourself and others. I found the photo by accident... If Wolverine (I edited the face and claws) can feel manly in a leopard shirt and metallic gold pants signing and dancing... It truly is all about attitude.

Hugh Jackman says one of his biggest regrets is refusing to try dance classes because of being called a 'sissy'...then waiting until age 19 to start. at dailymail

Don't let anyone tell you who you are and what you are worth. The worst assholes still managed to reach for the greatest things because they ruthlessly kicked everyone more deserving out of their way. The best people got abused in the most brutal manners, even to death, even when they where aware of it, because they where too polite to say "No!" or "Fuck off" or to simply abandon them and walk away.

Dreams are just lies and delusions unless you're doing your best to make them come true... and if someone only want to use them as a bait to exploit your efforts... wake up to that nightmare and run for your life towards a better goal.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 19 February 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Bullshit over the moon ~ Breaking promises without even trying

Bullshit over the moon. Your happiness could be a lie. If your lover promises you the moon, but won’t even make the effort to reciprocate a pebble, you’re being emotionally manipulated and abused. Doomed to be exhausted and depressed in a dark pit. Don’t allow this in denial, codependency backfires. Everyone needs to take care of themselves with respect.

Bullshit over the moon ~ Breaking promises without even trying ~ betrayed trust ~ red pebble bull shitting heart promises full shit emoji

If someone promises you the moon but doesn't even try to deliver, then he's just bullshitting you.

You're not all over the moon, you're being shat on.

Enjoy yourself... away from their manipulations.

EDIT: I finally found a quicker way to phrase it:

Beware the people promising you the moon after refusing to give you a pebble.

If I was only waiting until I could do something perfectly out of the blue without training and testing the outcome and few times... I wouldn't never do or say anything. Many people are like that... thinking that if they don't do anything wrong, no one can reproach them anything if they don't do anything at all... But I'd rather be crazy annoying than be boring like that!

If I was only waiting until I could do something perfectly out of the blue without training and testing the outcome and few times... I wouldn't never do or say anything. Many people are like that... thinking that if they don't do anything wrong, no one can reproach them anything if they don't do anything at all... But I'd rather be crazy annoying than be boring like that!

Sure those people are more socially acceptable, and I should shut up and listen more, to reach a better balance... Because I don't like to make monologues when I'm actually talking to someone... I guess my trick is that if I talk non stop, they won't have an opening to insult me... But it's really frustrating that the other person doesn't mane an effort to fill the awkward silences... But I guess it's my responsibility to feel more comfortable with them... Well, I do that by goofing around... I'm going to be hated no matter what I do for the slightest reasons, I might as well enjoy myself while it happens.

I have a vicious way of popping people's pink bubbles... to rub in their faces the atrocities of my life and life in general... I guess I resent people from being so happy... It was probably not just to see if they would care about me... I probably seemed like I was whining too... It was probably even more traumatic for people since I mentioned such sad things so happily. Someone told me that I went full circle into depression and ended up in the zone of full happiness by breaking through the gauge wall... That sounds right, hahaha.

I needed to share darkness to feel understood and I wanted a companion to enjoy giggling into the dark as we stared at the abyss... But I don't want the abyss to make us lose sight of having fun, even if it's dark humor and sarcasm... To make a good joke... To write a good quote... I have to make a huge quantity of crap... I don't hold back because I never know when it will come out... And the crap slowly leads me to better ideas... That's why it's so important to try. That's why you're actually supposed to fail and make a mess... a lot! And that's why success is so glorious when it finally happens. Rarity and hardship is what makes something special, not how easy it is.

Success is the sum of all the efforts, tears, blood, nightmares and heartache... and all the passion, courage, resolve, dedication, ingenuity that it took to overcome them... until we conquered adversity, the world and ourselves... so we can take one step further into exploring the endless universe of the cosmos and of our souls.

Refusing to try is refusing to live.

I didn't climb the corporate ladders... but it took me a whole lot of research and struggle just to be able to stand strong on my own two feet without feeling miserable all the time. It doesn't matter how further you go, how further others are... As long as we dare to do one step, as small as it can be... we can find something new... worse or better... Inaction won't make us keep what we have no matter how hard we cling on it... it can leave us behind... if we won't even follow our heart... then there's no point having it.

Losing simply makes more room for the new opportunities that are coming your way. But no matter how many the universe sends, it will seem like nothing if we don't take the risk to open ourselves to the possibilities... and welcome it.

Losing simply makes more room for the new opportunities that are coming your way. But no matter how many the universe sends, it will seem like nothing if we don't take the risk to open ourselves to the possibilities... and welcome it. Following it like a child chasing a bubble all carefree. Mine popped... but the wind will bring more... and it was fun while it lasted. I just need to catch my breath for a while after running so much.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 22 February 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Make dreams come true or stop lying

Dreams. A dream is just a lie if it's not a goal that you are trying to reach. Abandon all hopes, make it happen yourself! Avoid delusions. Appreciate or change your reality. Don't make empty promises, make dreams come true. Unless you want a nightmare.

Garfield sleeping ~ Make dreams come true ~ goals ~ Broken trust nightmare

First text:

Dreams. People only want to have a beautiful dream. They don't want to make the efforts to make it happen. But they expect other people to do it for them. And this is why people end up in helpless despair. Face the cold hard truth and improve it yourself. Otherwise people will exploit your denial by promising you heaven but giving you hell. Abandon all hopes, make it happen. If you can't or won't even try, then don't dream lies. Have realistic goals and appreciate your reality.

I've seen this way to many times. People don't want to give what they want to receive... But they don' even want to make their dream come true... Because in their fantasies there are only the idealized version without thinking the downside and struggles into consideration.

I tried to meet someone from a dating site. I usually go for frail nerds (yup, I find people more attractive when they are intelligent and agile). But I wanted to give a though looking guy full of muscles a chance, because I was hoping that he'd have more courage to help me make things happen together.

He kept canceling on me... He ended up admitting that he never intended to meet because he's too shy to be rejected. So he misleads me so I wouldn't lose interest, jerking me around. I said "Well, it worked, I couldn't reject you, you rejected yourself before I had the chance." I never spoke to him again. I left the site soon after that.

People end up thinking that the mean to meet is the end by itself... facebook is supposed to help people meet others with the same tastes and plan gatherings... But I met people offline who only wanted to become online friends! He expected me to go boost their ego and reputation by clicking like on their facebook... As if meeting someone offline when you meet them online wasn't hard enough...

People want to use a screen as a shield and make their own mental and emotional barriers... But it doesn't only shield them from the bad, but also the good... It doesn't only protect them from an ending but also the beginning.

Realizing at the end that the relationship never actually started, that they never dared to open up or even see you that way, even though they agreed and wanted to... It was atrocious... because there is something far worse than looking back with sorrow on a good time that you lost: realizing that you never had any in the first place and you where just being a fool. Because the person never dared to go for it and was just jerking you around...

Like agreeing to be lovers but then calling you a friend... Gladly taking the privileges of a higher relationship, but demeaning you by denying you the acknowledgement, appreciation and same kindness in return...

Wanting all the rewards with none of the efforts and risks... Sure, that's the most beneficial and efficient for you... But it's not called sharing... it's called abusing.

Rip off that blood sucking leach off your skin and throw it away. You'll be better off keeping your energy. The loneliest time of my life was being ignored by the fiancé I lived with.

Like the Joker said in Batman, as long as things go according to plan, nobody panics even if the plan is horrible... because it meets their expectations. So raising people's expectations to make them give more than you intent to can backfire... Because sooner or later they will compare what they are supposed to get with what they actually get... and they will become hysterical with disappointment. But at least they're still talking, when they stop asking for you to deliver and lose hope, it seems quiet and the best time, but it's the calm before the storm, the end is near. Ironically, the bigger the difference between the dream and reality, the harder it will be fore them to admit it and break free of their denial...

No one wants to give up a fairy tale to wake up in a violent nightmare. That's why people stay with abusive partners, it gets worse and worse slowly and insidiously, as the fisherman think that the hook is stabbed firmly, and when you notice it, they put a worm to hide it... A gift, some nice empty words to tell you want you want to hear without meaning it at all... Then they slowly show their true color again: they don't give a goddamn fuck about you, they only love what they can get from you.

Everyone need to get something positive otherwise there would be no point making a deal... Some people think it's easier to only make you think that you do or will... or make you too scared to leave... or slowly destroy your self esteem at the same time as they boost their own... So in the end you find excuses for them, blaming yourself, even apologizing to them and feeling awful for not being able to fulfill their every unreasonable demands... slowly killing yourself trying...

Either way you get emotionally tortured. Trying to buy peace... when you wouldn't have war in the first place if you were alone and free loving yourself.

Some people claim to love and give hatred... It's what we do that defines us... especially what we do when it's hard... and there's no immediate reward or threat...

Appreciate what is... not what could be. And don't bullshit people... sharing means giving it back...


Lisa Of Shades
Image: 11 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation. You must have an appealing cute & cuddly attitude, so people can enjoy falling for it. Otherwise, coercing with pity & guilt by whining helplessly can backfire. Try to be useful for a change. Pathetic and disgusting. I just want to hit and run.

Puss in boots possessing donkey, Shrek ~ Emotional manipulation, pathetic self pity, be cute or useful

Puss in Boots possessing Donkey (Shrek).

It's actually the same person in a different body, but I don't think that it's beauty that makes it acceptable or not. Of course you can't use beauty to manipulate if you don't have a compelling amount... But what was so disgusting about what he did is that there wasn't a shred of warmth and affection in the way he did it, not even for himself like narcissists try to look...

It was just embracing mediocrity on purpose... to use that as a weapon to manipulate and abuse. This is what killed my love. Instantly. I had nothing to gain from pampering him and everything to lose... He tossed away his dignity and made me lose mine by rewarding something so vile with my kindness. I literally felt soiled... and threatened.

I found a new way to share and be closer, by discovering that he draws as a hobby. But someone mocked him before saying that it's not a manly hobby (as if Pixars movies and "My little Pony" series where only made by girls...) So, even though I draw too and all facts showed that I'd respect him, he chose to mistrust me. He refused to even try. I didn't want him to close the door of his heart and being to me... so I begged to at least draw a heart for me, so I can find comfort in the fact that he at least tried...

he did, but of course it wasn't much. When he saw my drawing, that I worked on for hours and added ink and colors... instead to appreciate me he started to insult himself in self pity... I had the reflex to comfort him and try to boost his self esteem... But then I got so extremely angry about it that it was scary, I hid from him for a week... until I figured out... what he did to me.

I didn't even want to try... because he thought that he couldn't win... He admitted that he's competitive and wanted to beat me... He didn't care that I was happy, he didn't want to make me smile and express his love. All he wanted was to beat me, and when he couldn't, he deliberately manipulated me so I'd get on my knees like the loser and glorify him... Using my kindness as a weapon against me, making me feel sorry over something that he didn't even try to deserve, manipulating me with a guilt trip to get all the praise with none of the efforts... Instead of appreciating me and giving me his love... He gave me sadness and self hatred... And those seeds of hatred grew into thorns that killed my love for him instantly... I got disgusted at myself for falling for it... At him for abusing me and manipulating me in the most pathetic manner...

If you don't even try, you don't get to whine to get pampered for not succeeding!!!!!!

I rewarded bad behavior... I encouraged this... I didn't love this one bit. All I felt was disgust...

I wanted to help each other grow, I didn't like what he was making me become... I became his slave, the empty shell of who I was as I gave up my passions to nurture him everyday because he pressured me from the start and constantly... Putting the responsibility of his entire well being on my shoulders for the rest of his life... Wanting my love... but not even having the gratitude of calling me a lover... That completely destroyed what was left of my heart... after being stabbed constantly...

He wasn't a wounded puppy. He was a blood sucking worm. That's what codependency made me turn into too... and as good as it felt... I don't want to be that way.

I've done the same, I probably did the same to him... but I want to find a better way... I offered him to find it together... for him to make it easier on me by sharing himself without having to question and beg at least... but he carelessly said that it's easier for him... if I do all the efforts while he doesn't even try to open his heart. He didn't even care that it made it harder and painful on me... so much that he thought that it was easier for me too to do twice the efforts by doing his share!

The fact that I was doing it a lot isn't because it was easy for me... but because I was trying my best relentlessly!!! I wanted to find something interesting to share to build this relationship! I took the risk to make a fool of myself, to be hated, to make him lose interest... so I could bring joy, laughter and new knowledge to enrich our moment together. He didn't even want to try, saying that he was too dull... and yeah, he sure was! He wrote a lot of filler, he admitted that it was so I'd give even more... but sometimes he was probably just repeating what I said... I thought I was happy... but I constantly craved that something was missing... He didn't share the most important thing: himself.

I realized that he never intended to... He just wanted to claw as much as he could from me, for as long as he could, the easiest way for him even if it was hurting me.

Just because someone endure silently for a while giving you a chance to show your best, don't mean that they'll take it forever when they notice that you do your worst on purpose.

He never intended to open his heart. And I never should have opened mine so much.

But at least I tried... Now that it's over (if it even started) at least I have the satisfaction to have tried my best.

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 12 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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I need myself

I need myself. The liberating moment when you realize that sharing with someone isn't a fair exchange and you're better off only taking care of yourself. Say no to codependency. Respect your own boundaries.

Hug self care ~Say no to codependency ~ unfair sharing exchange ~ liberating, I need myself, sunflower field

No one and nothing can replace the warmth of self love. No one can entertain you as much as your own hobbies. No one can help you as much as trying self help, even if you fail when they would have succeeded; because it's better to polish the little strength that you have than lose it all relying on others until you make yourself helpless and dependent... and much more vulnerable than if you confidently shared yourself.
You don't need someone to give you purpose and love... You need to find your own purpose and love yourself doing it, even if it's crappy, because at least it's something and your skills will grow with experiences and practice.

I thought that codependency meant relying on each other and helping each other... that if we shared fairly and equally, it wouldn't be a problem because the other person would give it back... but energy doesn't work that way... life doesn't work that way.

We need to live our own life and take care of our own needs. Otherwise that would enrich who they are and make them stronger, not us!

If we give all our energy to take care of someone else, and we end up with none left to function and face the unexpected... No amount of support can compensate from exhaustion. Someone else can't eat for us, we have to chew and swallow ourselves. We have to take our own time to sleep to be rested... Even the most devoted lover won't be able to earn getting sick and dying... Even the most devoted lover will just get sick and die too from giving more than their limit allows...

Someone willing to take everything you've got is abusive... but it's your life, even a slave can say no and refuse to do the work, even if they get beaten. They can run away even if they risk being killed for it... So we always are responsible for how we live and how we let people threat us. So the fact is... we are abusing ourselves... for others. If we can't respect our own boundaries, when our very survival is at stake... We can't expect them to be able to figure out where the limit is... Because they don't have the pain and depression signals, only for our own bodies and mind.

It was more empowering to become independent than find someone who depended on me or fed my dependency... And there's always someone sucking more energy even with the best intentions.

Almost anybody will want someone who's a devoted and kind slave... the people who reject abusing that might be the only ones who care about you... and themselves... refusing to indulge in a unhealthy relationship that will make them become the worst of themselves instead of the best.

I've seen good people end up becoming greedy ingrates by being spoiled and taking it for granted... Because there was no limits, no need to earn it... I gave it all away whether I was treated like a queen or like shit... And most people will want to save energy and treating someone like shit from neglect requires the least energy... Life is unfair, we have to make it that way if we want it to be... and leave a situation if someone refuses.

I wondered how I could put my boundaries... But when I clearly put them, people refused to respect them... hurting me knowingly... on purpose. We can only control ourselves and how we react, we cannot force someone to be respectful of our boundaries, but we can stop trying to have a relationship with them completely.

I gave up my entire family because they told me that I deserve to suffer, just because a doctor figured out that I was sick, not for doing anything wrong, and they refused to apologize.

It doesn't matter whether we deserve it or not. We can still live up to our own principles and standards. We can still give it to ourselves. The self respect, the self love, the self care... and that's how you grow it. You only need your own permission.

It was more painful to give up what I hope to build that what he was actually giving me... It was harder to give up the hope of receiving love and respect from my family, than actually giving up their love and respect... because I didn't have any to lose... Only their abuse. We weren't a family. I wanted the hypocrisy to end.

I think it's better to have less but genuine than suffer running after a dream that is actually a nightmare.

I didn't want to deal with the self depreciation when I have enough of a hard time overcoming my own already...

I wasn't trying to hurt him; I only meant to save myself. Our desires ended up in opposition and I had to chose between my needs and his... I can't be any good to anyone if I get sick and die. And his needs are his own responsibility... the way mine are for me... and I shouldn't have forgotten that.

Giving too much means that there's nothing left to face unexpected hardship... So by letting go of some joys I have less things to handle and more energy to deal with my own problems, and I don't need to suck the life out of someone to be comforted... Because I can do it myself.

We need to balance our energy, how we nourish ourselves, spend and rest to replenish. And we're the only ones who can figure it out.

I give all I can and more, building an energy debt... then I need to run away and avoid everything and everyone while I heal from a crash... that's a torturous way to live... when we are too passionate...

Rome wasn't build in a day... but it can take only one to destroy something.

Everything is fragile, that's why it's precious. That's why we must appreciate and take care of it, so it will last longer and reach its best potential slowly...

Our own lives are utmost precious to us... we should never surrender it in anyone's hands fully... or dedicate it to someone else's benefit at our own peril... Because everyone need to struggle and use their energy to survive... And if we can't do it for ourselves, no one will... Some people will try... with a mix of kindness and arrogance... but no one can live another's life.

I'm taking back my life.. At first it was terrifying to let go of someone I was dependent on, it didn't seem that way because I was overly devoted to him, but leaving felt like dying... but the I finally could reconnected with myself instead of putting him first... and the freedom felt was like taking my first breath after coming back to life.

I can't be near anyone until I'm stable and strong enough to respect my own limits... and I can't be near anyone who use manipulation to break them... even if his plea was genuine, my hands are full with my own struggles... and if he wouldn't even help me to get to know him by sharing without being asked questions and begged... Why should I make the effort to give him my very life force, heart and soul...

Just because I care about someone doesn't mean that I have to do everything they want. Just because I don't want someone to suffer doesn't mean that I can or should take all their trials away...

That would be taking away precious opportunities to grow stronger from them.

Instead of having the arrogance that I could do better than him, I should have discouraged negative mindsets to encourage him to have constructive ones instead... Instead of rewarding and enabling them...

Sometimes love is rejection. Especially when we're so angry that we just want to hurt them back.

Sometimes self love is denying to ourselves what we want most, but would hurt us in the process.

You'd be surprised what we can live with and without, and be happy.

We can get used to anything... don't get used of being miserable, because it's hard to let go of familiarity to embrace change. It's comfortable to fall back in our old patterns with different people because we think we know how to handle it... But the way we handle it is what causes the problem...

Embrace the unknown. Embrace being alone. You will find the most precious possession of all: yourself.

You can share it, but never give it all away...

Holding back your energy will help you last longer in the marathon of life. But holding back your heart will make people feel unloved and walk away.

So give with all your heart, but don't give everything, or you won't even have a heart left.

I don't know how to reach balance... but I know that trying and failing will help me find the way...

And right now it's to hold myself dear with respect... so I can say no... and if I can't... so I can say goodbye.

Even the good can be too much and turn bad for us... be careful with greed and devotion. Any extremes makes us long for the opposite to restore balance. So enjoy a rich diversity instead of obsessing of the quantity of one thing~ Your life will feel more fulfilled~

If you neglect yourself for someone esle, your identity will vanish. Don't forget yourself~ So your loved one can also have someone to love. And you'll have twice the care and love because you'll be giving it to yourself too!


Lisa Of Shades
Image: 12 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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I heard enough bullshit

I heard enough. I don't want to hear your phony explanations. You stuffed my ears shut with enough bullshit already.

Cows with ears full of shit emoji ~ I heard enough bullshit ~ I don't want to hear phony explanations, deaf to lies

In the end, when he replied... I was so fed up by his empty promises... so fed up that his words and actions didn't match... that his words would no longer reach me. He carelessly refuse to help me rectify a situation that made me suffer... then when he noticed that I'd rather leave than endure this shit any longer, he tried to promise that he'd do anything. He didn't even say something specific, meaning that he had no clue even after I told him clearly what I needed and what was unbearable to me: to see him open up to at least welcome my love and let me know him. He promised anything, when he wouldn't even share his simple hobbies. It was clear that he's been bullshitting me from the start...

If I had known what he truly intended to share, I would have done things differently... He toyed with my mind and feelings. With manipulation and cowardice, not even daring to do what he wanted out of fear... not even trying... and he never intended to... it was easier to make me think that he would... to bait me with gigantic irresistible dreams... They where actually causing me sheer anguish to try to make them come true... Claiming that he wants to meet me and live with me forever, when he wouldn't even share videos with me... If he had spent half of the energy that he used on bullshit to honestly live up to lesser expectations, I would have been fine with the smallest kind of relationship... It's the damn bullshit that I can't stand. My site's name is a pun for bullshit... I spent countless hours adding my voice to the web to raise awareness about the things that I've discovered, under deliberate lies... or being honestly wrong, and I might be...

But wanting to isn't enough if you're only willing to let someone else give it to you... and I am sick of people who aren't willing to give what they want to take... Who'd rather fool themselves and others in deliberate stupidity... I got fed up with the mistrust and hostility. I got exhausted to try... I would have gladly appreciated him for who he is and his limits... and I tried to lower the level many times... But he didn't want to... because he wanted to keep receiving my love as a lover, even tough he wouldn't have the heart to at least give me acknowledgement and call me his lover. He called me a friend... I wouldn't be devoted daily to a friend... and I shouldn't have been too scared to skip a day... The huge amount of pressure he put me under by claiming to be helpless and suffering without me ended up being unbearable...

It was on purpose to extort me... Instead of giving me love... He gave me self hatred... Instead of giving me appreciation, he gave me self pity... Even if he gave me more... the fact that he did that on lover's day was unbearable... Whining... no matter what I said... I ran away from that once before too... Because people who want to be miserable can only take you down with them, they won't open their heart to love, they just want to suck the life out of you to feed their black hole... because while there's someone supplying them energy, they think they don't have to make them for themselves... so they gladly stay in misery... the more you give the more it will encourage them to stay there...

Some people even found it poetic... Some people are proud to cut themselves. I have tolerance zero for people like that in my life... because if someone's idea of a solution is to cause even more pain by cutting themselves, then I don't need that kind of help, and they're their own bullies, so I can't save them from themselves if they don't want to... But I can save myself from them!!! Self depreciation is self harm for the soul. And I feel very disgusted by that very quickly.

Being sad that we worked hard to succeed but failed is part of the grieving process... But refusing to try then whining to have people at our feet pampering us and praising us when they did nothing good... that's just shit. He got sad that he didn't beat my art when we shared... He used my gift as a way to stab his own heart and hate himself more instead of feeling loved... and loving me back. I don't want to give any more gifts to someone like that...

I don't want to share that kind of self inflicted misery... and he made sharing a painful struggle... I want to be free... from disappointment, from demands, from bullshit. If that's love... then I want to be free from love.

All I can see is shit... that's what happens when you throw bullshit in someone's eye to cover up the truth.

I'm sure there was a lot of good... but I don't have the energy for that either anymore.
Lisa Of Shades
Image: 12 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Choked by codependency

Codependency. We bonded tight enough to choke. I must let go of my own comforting but suffocating leash to be free again.

Codependency choker leash ~ Bonded too tight ~ Freedom, let go, independence

I thought that being needed and having someone to depend on me would make me feel secure... but I wasn't the one in control... I was coerced with emotional manipulations to not leave him, not even for a day, using my own kindness as a weapon against me, to coerce me with pity... Instead to give me a happy reason to come... I wouldn't be able to work on my hobbies everyday... I had to give them up to be able to come everyday for his own benefit... but it was just a matter of time until I couldn't take it anymore... Feeling smothered... by his helpless neediness as he dumped the weight of his whole emotional well being and life on me...

I suffocated by the bonds of love that I thought I wanted... when I needed freedom as much or even more. I've done the same to him, and for that I am sorry... leaving was a gift for me, but it can also see it as an opportunity. I am excited by the new projects that I have the time to do, and the new people that I will meet someday. But right now nothing make me happier than being alone, I'm not even lonely because I have me. I miss some things, but not the constant struggles.

I felt constantly tormented by feeling like he wouldn't open up... Maybe he was right and I opened too much... but don't ask what you aren't willing to give... don't ask what you're not even willing to welcome... It takes an effort to welcome even the best... we must take the risk to embrace it... It takes energy to enjoy it... I can't even if I wanted to. Right now all I want is to find balance again... to have freedom and inner peace.

"The things we own ends up owning us" (fight club) It's liberating to have less~ Less good means less to handle and less that can go wrong. It's hard to let go... But if it's all or nothing... then sometimes nothing can be for the best... so we can rest and be healthy again...

Even kindness can kill. Even something as vital to life as water... Too much is just too much...

Enjoy in moderation~

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 13 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016

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Being sorry isn't enough to make things better

*Stabs* I’m sorry! *Stabs* I’m sorry. *Stabs* I’m sorry...
Violent lovers. Just because they're sorry doesn't mean that they're going to stop. Break up before they break you.

Violent lovers ~ break up ~ domestic abuse ~ movie the voices with Ryan Reynolds ~ stabbing repeatedly while sorry

That's not about my relationship, unless you consider emotional manipulation and self depreciation violent (it actually is in its own way.) It's about a scene in the movie The Voices (2014) with Ryan Reynolds. He kills the girl by accident, running with a knife, and stabs her repeatedly to put her out of her misery instead to call an ambulance. It was the perfect representation of the honeymoon and violent phases of domestic abuse.

Run for your life before you get stabbed.

Unless it's Ryan Reynolds, then I understand if you'd be interested in letting him stab you all night long. If it's a pun for sex, handsome funny people aren't entitle to beat the shit out of you to get what they want, especially since they have better options to convince you.

You can't write the word "Violent" without love... But if you remove the letters V, O, L, E... you end up with IN T... and the T stands for trouble... and violence is way too much trouble, find love somewhere else instead to continue to give positive reinforcement for bad behavior... Hopefully he'll see that it has bad consequences for him too, if a mere flower and "sowwy" isn't compensation enough for a physical or mental wound (and it isn't!)... Or he'll turn to full blown rape... And there's the word Viol in the word violence. The problem with rape isn't the sex, apparently it can be fun, it's the violence... it's disrespecting someone's free will and treating them like they're an object instead of a person... even an orgasm isn't compensation enough for being denied your own mind and soul. And if they knew how to give one, they probably would be able to convince a woman without turning to rape... so then you end up with just pain... and even the people who are turned on by that won't appreciate to not be given the respect to ask their permission first. We're all the kings and queens of our own body and minds... We have to make sure that others respect the limit of their own kingdom.

I used "they" plural to avoid using one gender, because women can be violent too. And we tend to go towards what we know so we tend to repeat the same patterns. Someone with weak boundaries will attract narcissist people who don't want to respect any, because someone else already trained you to be a slave so it's less work for them to break your will. But they also will break your bones... and kill you... So make sure you get out... as long as you're still alive, you can crawl away even if you don't have legs. Some codependent like to feed people until they are so obese that they can't even get up off their own shit full of worms, so they can't get away.

The more they cripple the person, by enabling and providing their self destructive vices instead to encourage them to outgrow them, the better they actually look... as kind helpful people, they feel so superior, they receive gratitude... and no one would doubt their pure heart, which is actually pitch black and causing the problem... because the person is doing it to themselves, by allowing it... Even good things, even what we want, can be too much, kill us... and should be balanced... and if not possible because we don't have self control and they're too damn addictive... then they should be rejected so we won't be tempted to succumb to the worst of ourselves instead to struggle to better ourselves...

But of course people do what they want. If you'd rather be sent to the hospital by the very person supposed to protect you, because you'd rather die than be alone... okay... but I won't feel sorry for you. I won't accept your attempts to dump the negative on me so you can enjoy the positive without sharing that too... Someone who won't fix the problem and just want to throw up and shit on someone else, to go jump back in the pool of diarrhea vomit... I don't even want to watch. I'll be the one walking away. I don't want that in my life not even by extension through a good friend. I almost got raped by a friend's lover this way... and she gave him permission...

So until I find a way to break free from my own vicious cycle, I'll be alone. That way no one can make me smile brighter... but no one can exhaust me and make me cry harder either.

Enjoy you own choices~ Don't let anyone else force them on you.

EDITED: If he's not even sorry and refuses to even acknowledge that he hurt you, it's even worse than making empty promises easily. He doesn't even want to try. He doesn't even have the respect to acknowledge your pain. Destroy him!!!!

Lisa Of Shades
Image: 14 March 2016
Text: 15 March 2016
Edited: 27 March 2016

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Ending a relationship to have a better one with ourselves

Scar: "Time to let go. It's going to hurt. But then one of us is going to feel so much better~ Don’t worry, you won’t suffer for long. Because you’ll be dead inside."
Ending a relationship. Because you're in the way of my personal development. If you don’t help, you’re part of the problem. If you benefit from my flaws, you’re keeping me down.

Lion king scar Killing Musafa ~ Ending a relationship that hinders personal development

In the movie "The lion king", Scar killed Musafa so he could take the throne and reach his potential as a leader, instead to be a servant. He wasn't strong enough to win a fight, so he used his wits to trick him into a trap...

I chose to move on... because at the beginning being shy seemed natural, but after months the fact that he's not willing to try, and never actually wanted to open up, just fool around, became painfully obvious... All my efforts got spat on because there was no hope to begin with...

I saw his cocoon as a prison that was a threat to his happiness... but he stayed in the cocoon because he saw me as a threat... It broke my heart... times and times again... until I fully admitted it and stopped... completely... feeling unwanted...

It was exhausting to be the only one trying to be outgoing and daring, and I really needed to meet me half way... that's how you show genuine care, consideration and love... Not with gifts while refusing to approach the person... He refused to help make things better for me so I could try to go on... I was far beyond my breaking point... and he didn't give a damn about my suffering because it didn't affect him personally... He was even benefiting from it. Less perks, more efforts? What for? And then bam I'm gone.

Before meeting him I actually had my codependency under control... It took months of being pushed and I tried to pull back, to reach a point that I even felt like I couldn't skip a day even if I was hurt, because it would devastate him and he couldn't live without me for the rest of his life... He coated so thick from the start, and I tried to tell him that statistically, life doesn't keep people that close for that long... but at some point I believed his sincerity so much that I believed that it could be possible... But he wouldn't even make the most basic efforts to make it work easily online without breaking my heart... He encouraged my flaws the same way I did to him... By indulging our insecurities and greed... By enabling the worst in me... to take advantage of the fact that I'm way too caring and devoted for my own safety... I kept him dependent by not making him face days alone and notice that he'd be just fine...

I got rid of my family because they'd constantly put me down... Calling me names that I wasn't (I was in classes for the gifted and my mother was calling me a retard... and mentally ill... any sane person would go crazy.) There was no encouragements, only reproaches, destructive nagging... I broke free to refuse to accept it, to refuse to do it, to become a better person... Rubbing my flaws in my face constantly wasn't going to help me find and polish my potential... It made me neurotic, too scared to try anything, and dysfunctional with myself and others... My family didn't help my self confidence grow into an independent adult, they broke it with relentless scorn, even about my personal tastes, all my goals, everything... Nothing was ever good enough, not even perfection... because somehow they could always manage to imagine more... Because all they did is compared other people's best qualities with my worst flaw... or their worst paranoia of a flaw that I didn't even have... convincing me that I had it... when I needed their care and was actually sick!!!

I moved on from energy robbers because anything that require energy, even thoughts like emotions, drains the nutritional reserves and vital organs... (read about Adrenal Fatigue, they handle stress with adrenalin, made of vitamin C and the B complex)

Words can literally kill... I preferred to stay silent...

Lisa Of Shades
15 March 2016

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Ending a relationship to avoid prolonging the pain pointlessly

Ending a relationship. No need to prolong the inevitable by getting kicked around before being thrown into the garbage. It wasn't working for me & I wanted to give you mercy. You don’t want to know what I have to reproach you. Or you would have cared enough to improve it by now.

Ending a relationship ~ Kick the can, kicked around, garbage ~ bad deal, angry, mercy

When I left him, I didn't know I wouldn't come back. I just needed a time out to take a breath... I wasn't trying to torture him into compliance with the silent treatment... I just couldn't deal with it anymore... I didn't have the strength and courage to argue... that's when you should worry... because the person is giving up being heard, cared about and loved... and soon will see no reason to stay or make any effort whatsoever... or trust anything you say, or bother listening at all... because you didn't care enough to hear their plea... for a little consideration about something that was too hard on them... making it too hard on them to give YOU what YOU wanted... so they stop and walk away... because there's not enough in it for them to make it worth the effort anymore.

But it's no better to just argue trying to get the upper hand instead of finding a common ground because neither wants to make a compromise... Just venting their frustrations on each other... That's not the kind of thing that I wanted to share... Sometimes nothing is better than something painful... Not knowing why someone left you shows that you didn't pay attention to them, didn't care, and they probably tried to tell you many times... It didn't seem important at the time... Their hurt feeling didn't seem important at the time. Their unfulfilled need didn't seem important at the time. Why should they bother giving you the time of day!? There are so many people on Earth, if the best you can do is make the person feel as unloved as being alone, then they'll embrace it and go find someone who will do something about it.

When I was angry, the first week after Valentine's Day... when I started to figure out how much I've been jerked around... a glimpse of my mind would have made hell freeze.

If you wanted to know... you should have asked... if you wanted to do something about it... then you should have before your inaction became despair incarnate.

Lisa Of Shades
15 March 2016

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Breaking up because you're not expressing your love anyway

Breaking up. You're not the droid I'm looking for. If you where, then you should have expressed yourself clearly.

Breaking up ~ Star Wars R2D2 ~ Those aren't the droids you're looking for ~ You're not the droid I'm looking for ~ Express yourself clearly ~ Beep

He's the robot R2D2 from Star Wars, he only beeps. But apparently he's saying complex witty things.

In the movie, the Jedi does a mind control trick to get away by saying "These aren't the droids you're looking for"... but they are.

I wanted to know him but he kept refusing to spontaneously share himself calling himself dull... and when he shared stuff about his life he said it was dull after each... Of course you'll look dull even if you have hilarious thoughts and warm feelings inside begging to come out. When I was young, someone came to me to declare his love... but when I welcomed him he started playing yoyo with me. Pushing me away when I was interested, then flirting big time when I gave up... When he did that to someone else he said "she'll understand eventually." Understand what, that you're a big jerk who doesn't know what he wants and toy with girls because he's too much of a coward to make a decision either way, and enjoy having them in limbo... running after him while he refuses to make a commitment and get on with it, because he just wants them to flatter his ego without taking any risks or taking care of them the way he wants to be taken care of...

Fucking narcissist assholes. He never intended to give anything to me, he just enjoy watching me run after the bait... He too chose a bear as emblem. He tortured me mentally with inconsistency until I cried non stop for a year... I don't need love like that. I ended up understanding that it really doesn't matter what you have inside if you won't make the effort to let it go outside too. And dull filler isn't going to compensate forever for something truly deep and meaningful.

I don't want to feel bitter and frustrated in silence by staying with someone who sadden me... I've been patient enough... But that's just how he is... and I don't want to throw my heart against a cold armor... I wasn't worth trying and taking the risk to him... Why should I do anything more for him... when I could be doing it for me.

He truly felt like someone without emotions like a robot sometimes... it felt like he was copy-pasting some of my gestures of affection... not daring to come with anything spontaneous and original on his own...

He's probably fine the way he is... and I think I did appreciate him... but I longed for someone to goof around with freely... and that's just not his style.

He didn't want to feel embarrassed by sending me a giggling video... by showing me his drawings... by hugging me... by calling me his lover after agreeing...

He should have been embarrassed to not have the courage to express himself, to be too scared to even do what he wants when welcomed and begged... Maybe he just didn't want to... Then he should have said so without making huge declarations that only a husband should make. But I don't even know if he let me know him enough to be more than an acquaintance.

It's really freaking me out... because I think I deeply cared and treasured him, or at least I tried... It's really hard for me to cope with being told one thing but not act according to it... It really ripped my heart and mind apart... and when he didn't like the consequences once his attitude was mirrored back at him... I just couldn't feel sorry... because he never did for me... He was happy, so he thought I had to be too... But out level of enthusiasm wasn't the same... and it ended up withering mine...

I had the choice to long for love and affection while being coldly denied by his side, or to long for affection with endless possibilities ahead of me. After I found out that he never had the intention from the start... that he agreed to have me devote my love for him, but wouldn't dare to return the favor... there wasn't much holding me back, not much coming back to... I even skipped all the affectionate parts... that I added myself and he replied to... In that message he didn't give me any affection... He wouldn't give it to me on his own... He probably did copy and paste my text...

I'm tired to beg to share the things that you promised me... I even have to beg to convince you to take the things that you asked me... What the hell...

How and why did I manage to endure it for this long is beyond me.

I gave him my home address in case I lose my email... If I'm wrong, that he had the guts to go for what he wanted... that he was able of spontaneity and to do things without begging begged desperately... I would have received a letter by now. I even got my eBay package from china. If he was willing to take a risk, any risk, any effort at all... to make this relationship work... to reach out of what is precious to him... to have something good to offer me and not just whiny demands... I would have received a letter by now... Telling me that he cares about me... telling me what he has to offer... telling me that I'm precious and that he wants to make me smile...

But he let me go. So I'm not going back. And I hope that he won't send me a letter if he reads this, because that wouldn't count as being able to have ANY INITIATIVE AT ALL... I really hope that he wouldn't... because I don't want to deal with the energy that it takes to share such a close and loving relationship... especially not when it's one sided.

Like I said many times at the start when he claimed that he wants to be with me offline forever... he'll be better of investing his time, energy and feelings in a girl who's nearby, closer to his age, and who wants to have a sexuality someday. Someone who's not me. Girls went to him... But I don't think he rejected them because I'm more compatible, but because he didn't want to be vulnerable... Being online with someone impossible to reach creates the distance he wanted to take it easy and just dream without bothering with the efforts and responsibilities...

It was already an offline relationship to me... but I was just being jerked around online... When he finally said that meeting might never happen... I understood from his disinvested tone that he couldn't care less. He preferred it that way... As if I was some game to play with... and he sure played with my mind and feelings... Oh he genuinely wanted it all right, he just wanted someone else to hand it over... without bothering to do the same. Typical. Maybe he really was a robot. I'm really pissed and bitter. I don't know what was real or not anymore...

All I remember is begging and being denied... being pushed away... that hateful video... his actions not fitting with his promises... doing emotional manipulation to be pampered... refusing to care that I was in pain and exhausted from his unhelpful attitude... but then promising me anything I wanted so I wouldn't leave him... he didn't give a fuck that it meant being in pain as long as he managed to brainwash me into being devoted again... While he couldn't even call me his love... I asked in the first place because it was confusing to have such grandiose declaration of being happy forever after offline... I wanted to be lovers to make it official... to welcome his offering... to grant his wish... He played on my neediness not to fulfill my needs, but to enslave me so I wouldn't be able to go... I have a personality that tends to be addicted... but I can also stop cold turkey when it gets out of hand. Otherwise I'd be married to a wife beater right now. I sure am glad that I ran away from that broken dream too.

Eventually we'll both have a fresh start... hopefully I won't do the same mistakes... I had other relationships like that before... and as much as they where my whole world back then... I can't even remember their name. But I am grateful that we shared happiness while it lasted... and I am grateful to him too... but the idea to face him and struggle against his introversion again makes me nauseous... Maybe he truly did do his best and I'm just too heartbroken to see it... But I needed more consistency to feel safe... I needed more warmth to feel welcome. I needed more trust to trust. I needed to be called more than a friend to devote myself like a caring lover. Nobody's perfect... and I guess for a while we've been perfect for each other... but that time has passed... I gave him a clean slate at the beginning... and now it's decrepit and tired and I don't know how to wash it clean... Sometimes you need to try a different color...

But I'll just let my tears air dry. Because I'm so tired I don't even have the energy for myself, or even for mister right... so I have none for mister no-try... I won't try again either... I'm way too scared to be manipulated into feeling guilty to take a day off again... Way too scared to go OCD and write uncontrollably again... (like now, hahaha)... and I'm too scared to snap if he does another self pity party, self mutilating his soul, I don't want to join in and beat the shit out of him like a piñata... I don't think I could resist getting really mean at him, way worse than just cold, and make mental damage that he'd never heal from...

I hope that he moved on without reading this... But hurting him on purpose in anger would be way worse... I have too much resentment... For breaking my heart... for messing with my head... For replying my effort with hateful rejection... It probably never should have started... But I guess we needed each other... The one thing to remember most from the morale of the story... is that what we need most is our own help... our own respect, love and confidence... and without that everything crumbles out of balance. And that's the reason I want to choose for moving on... finding balance again... but the fact that I became an even bigger coward than he was is true too.

I sure am glad that I ran away from that broken dream too. It could have become a deadly nightmare. When a friend met me again 6 months later, he said that I completely stopped smiling and laughing... He literally sucked the life out of me with his mistrust, lack of affection and negativity... Even being homeless was better than being dead inside... So I kicked him out even though I couldn't afford the rent alone, and he made sure of it... But it worked out for me and I went on to take a journey to move to a big city full of opportunities. We never know what's awaits us until we leap... but being unable to reach out to what's right in front of us is just sad...

Maybe he was autistic and was unable to, maybe he made massive efforts... If I had known that he had a special situation I could have understood him better, but if he was he probably hid it by fear of rejection, but then I couldn't adjust my expectations to his capacities... Even dreaming irresponsibly with violently to coming out of his shell to reveal himself could have been more understandable... But I've seen this with the most normal people countless times. And the very same people didn't hesitate to use my weaknesses to mock me and against me, even when we had the exact same! People don't dare to talk because they are scared of the pain of being judged cruelly... and then they judge anyone's difference of opinion harshly...

We refuse to do for others what we want them to do for us.

We inflict upon them the very things that we dread most...

And then we whine when it happens to us...

I don't want to have a relationship with a human in a world like this... Even after writing all this, I'm not sure I understand what happened, him or myself... But... I really tried to think... But... it's time for me to let go... because if I could do anything to improve the situation and how I feel... I would have, I wouldn't have it reached the point of non return... I tried to continue after he gave me a hateful video as an "expression of love"... but It was unbearably painful then... It only made me more paranoid and easily wounded after... and now nothing good can come out of letting my angry survival instinct in front of him... I tried to beg one last time and he refused... now his pleas will never be heard... but either way there's nothing left of me to take... and what is slowly blossoming again inside of me... I intend to keep it for myself.

Well, if someone ever wished he could read a woman's thought... that's about it. And if you wish to understand them... try to look at it from an emotional point of view... what would be the most comforting... instead of the most practical... It's practical to use manipulations to make someone think that you are making efforts instead of actually doing them. It's beneficial in an optimized way to try to gain a maximum with a minimum of effort... It's good business to maximize profits. But to do that to someone who loves you, to threat them like a thing to exploit instead of a person who need your cares too... that's heartless. And that's how I ended up seeing him.

I'll never know if I was right... all I know is that I ended up too miserable to welcome him if he finally decides to get on with it, or have the decency to admit that what he has to share is lower so I can adjust my expectations properly... But he's been honest from the start... He revalorized himself on purpose so people would expect nothing from him... because he didn't want to bother for them... I wanted to adjust my feelings to his... But I can't control my neediness if I'm constantly being tempted just to slam a door in my face... so I won't go... but without bothering to risk opening and nurture me... He was scared to let me know him because he didn't want to be rejected... That's ironically the reason I rejected him.

Try to reach for your dreams... Some can only be build with mutual cooperation...

If I have to do all the lovingness by myself because it's easier for him this way... then I might as well be by myself and keep it all for me.

Lisa Of Shades
15 March 2016

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Codependent ~ Don't be the slave of your own weaknesses

Codependent slavery. Even the strongest chain can break after rusting long enough under a teary rain. Mending a broken bond doesn't make it as strong as it used to be. The damage’s done and it’s more fragile. It's easier to break free than you think. Even the worst addict can choose that it was his last fix. Don't let your own weaknesses enslave you. Find your inner strength.

Codependent slavery ~ chain rusted by tears ~ mended bond fragile ~ addict break free

The slave of our own fear of loneliness, of being useless and unlovable, of being worthless and helpless...

Replace fear with trust and do your best to not let yourself down!

Codependency becomes slavery especially when in a relationship with a careless and egocentric narcissist. That kinf of person only cares about getting an energy supply of devotion to feed his ego... I probably had a relationship with a codependent that was simply more introverted than me... I tend to behave like an extrovert, even though I need to be introverted to recharge my batteries peacefully alone instead of sucking the souls out of a crowd... They're probably sucking their energy out of us while we make it straight from the universe... It takes longer... and we get over stimulated more quickly because we perceive more and faster... So being some sort of hybrid is hard on me...

I feel guilty that I see the person who used to make me so happy this way... but yes I ended up feeling trapped... I even ended up feeling like the happiness we shared was the one that I brought to the relationship, because he wouldn't dare or bother to provide anything... It was "easier" to let me do it... It was extremely exhausting for me to be fired up for two... to bring all the topics, to think of all the jokes... to ask all the questions... Maybe that's not how it was... But at the end that's how it felt... I knew that he shared happy images and never stopped, but I even questioned his motives about that, after he admitted that he only gave to motivate me to give him even more... That's not a caring gift, that's clearly a trap... Like giving a tiny worm meal to eat a much bigger fish...

When someone gets hurt in a relationship, it's never the same again... because scars can reopen along the new ones... It's slowly draining someone's life away like a low dose of poison hidden in a delicacy. You don't see it at first, you have this anxious feeling of unease and you think you're just being crazy... but then blood comes out of all your orifices and it becomes obvious that something was slowly killing you all along (true story about eating grains and corn). Addiction without restraints, balance and moderation is the same... But willpower is extremely powerful... What keeps someone addicted is the belief that it's a vital need, when it's in fact just a want that is taking them away from their real needs.

What a codependent truly wants is to have value, love and feel safe.

Well, you can try to get it from others... You can try to devote yourself and be exploited without reward to feel valued... To let anyone do as they please with your body and heart to feel loved even if it hurts you... And to surrender your life to someone who look down on you and want to keep you crushed that way to feel safe when you manage to appease his cruelties and get some mercy...

Or you can find it from within, where no one can easily take it away from you, even though some people are good at manipulating someone slowly... You can always stop to give them the chance to. To feel like your life has value, simply and spontaneously give it value. Live according to it. Protect your life from people who want to take it away for themselves at your own peril. Find hobbies that you value and let it enrich your life... search knowledge on things that you like and let it empower you with passion. Try and you'll slowly get better, enough to be capable, and you'll feel capable with valuable skills. Even if they're not the most vital, impressive or acclaimed, a skill is still a skill. If you enjoy it, it has more meaning than if you don't while someone else do. The satisfaction of being used won't be as good as the satisfaction of being independent, because if you respect your own limits you won't be exhausted and desperate for help all the time. Do something useful for yourself, you're a person too.

If you want to feel loved, then spontaneously accept and love yourself unconditionally. Everyone always have qualities and flaws, because the requirement for one skill hinders another. Like big strong hand to build a house, but delicate precise hands to do operations. We can master one specialty, if we devote all our time to polishing the brain, or all our time for polishing the muscles... we'll be useless if we try to do what the other do best, but we'll be good at what we're meant for. You don't need to be perfect or anyone's permission to feel love. And if you don't believe that you already deserve it, no one will be able to convince you, no one will be able to offer you love unless you welcome it... and you won't truly be able to give it unless you already feel it... You can't take care of someone if you don't even know how to take care of yourself... and if you can't balance both, you won't be helpful dead, so it will be better to focus on you until you find more inner love. As long as you try your best to better yourself, mistakes are the proof that you are trying to figure it out and on your way to find success. Don't waste your energy on self loathing, blames, shame... it just feeds an insatiable black home inside of you... Use that energy to figure out constructive way to act if the situation happen again in the future, you'll be better prepared, and you'll be more likely to shine. But sometimes the only way to make it work is to give up and try something else entirely. Some things aren't in your control and aren't means to be, and even if they where at some point, everything evolves and changes, so nothing is forever... not joy but not sadness either... If you give a chance to the opportunities that the universe will offer you.

If you want to be safe... you will be if value your life enough to do anything necessary. You won't tolerate abuse. You'll know that you deserve dignity more than they deserve to use and abuse you. You'll love yourself enough to know that you'll be okay without them or anyone... because you'll always have your own help.

This is what I'm trying to live by... and for a while... I forgot it... I forgot myself. I will never forget the people that I loved, even if I forget their name... because I welcomed them as a part of me... they helped me forge who I am... I enjoyed life thanks to them... even if it had a bad ending... they enriched my path. Thank you Tij... I wish I took it easier... I wish I knew how to befriend you properly... but I don't feel strong enough... And I'll need all my energy to find a way to have a good relationship with myself and find stability and balance.

I was the slave of my own weaknesses... I am taking the challenge of being alone to become stronger.

Lisa Of Shades
15 March 2016

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Mistrust ~ Too scared to get hurt to risk being happy.

Mistrust. Believing the worst when it's not necessarily true. Being too scared to get hurt to risk being happy. "When mistrust comes in, love goes out." Irish saying Or love never gets a chance to get in to show you better.

Mistrust suspicious stare ~ Not letting in love and trust ~ Too shy to try ~ Pain ~ happiness

Being happy takes risks... but when all you have to lose is sadness, why not! But sometimes we're not ready to take that chance and we miss out... Well, at least I tried and now I have facts to base my fear on... It always made me sad that he wouldn't let me have my own clean slate and mistrust me for things that others did to him... It was like punishing me instead of them... That's how bullies think and how pain spreads... To inflict it to the people who did nothing wrong because we need to vent out... It was hard for me to trust him... Maybe I tried too hard too hard to fast, all or nothing... Yeah that sounds like me... Maybe he was just too reserved for my explosive crazy... Maybe he tried to meet me half way... But the way felt too long and hard for me... I need to try another path.

More quotes:

"Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistakes."

"Trust is like a glass, once broken it will never be the same again..."

"The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth."

"Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair."

I guess I got tired to wait for him to trust me and let me in... He wouldn't even trust himself. I'm probably being too harsh on him because I'm hurt. I'm still not sure what happened and wish I could just take it easy and have friends... But I can't handle the emotional toll anymore. After managing to write all this I thought that I might have had the strength to discuss it with him...

But I tried... Instead of talking about what was tormenting me for so long calmly and rationally... I panicked before I was so angry and hurt. And at first he didn't want to make any efforts at all and let me suffer, and when he noticed that he might lose something and be the one to suffer, instead to find a proper compromise, he bullshitted me some more saying that he'd give me anything... I don't want anything... I wanted him to open up to me... He wasn't even able to say hello to me in a video without being aggressive and hateful... He wasn't even able to share his hobbies... He was scared to get hurt... and now I'm really scared to get hurt again...

I hope he moved on, maybe he doesn't give a shit and wouldn't welcome me back even if I tried... But he never let me in from the start, so I think I should just find someone new when I'm ready... but it sure does suck... I wish I was strong enough to be able to keep my friends causally... I guess I care too much and it was my downfall... He didn't trust me enough and that was his... But I guess that when you're someone who'd rather promise bullshit than be honest and go for your feelings... you expect everyone else to be as manipulative.

He survives better than me in the world... So maybe his way is better... but it's not compatible with mine. Not anymore. Maybe it never was... Is this how he felt all along... Unable to see anything good, his vision being clouded by the worst darkness, expecting it at every corner? Am I being wrong too? Or did I wake up to the truth all along. The best thing I can do is trust my feelings. I felt hurt, sad, heartbroken, pushed away, even hated...

Eventually it overweighed the joy in the balance... and one thing for sure... I'm not in a cuddling mood... Grieving and moving on is really hard... But instead to go back to what I know hurts me more than I can bear anymore... I might as well walk into the unknown where everything is possible... Maybe I'll find someone who's spontaneous, original and crazy...

For now I should just enjoy myself.

But I don't think that I'm ready to let anyone in and I don't have the energy to try to build anything... I hope that it won't traumatize me enough to stop trying to get to know people and share, after he made it so harder than it had to be on me, that I don't even want to try anymore... at least not with him. I probably pushed too hard... But damn I didn't want to know his passwords... I just wanted to know what he loves... what makes him happy... and share it together... having fun.

When he proposed to take things offline someday... I wanted to but it was such intense anguish for me... I lived alone for so long, letting someone in even for a few days would be hard on me, I thought of buying another mattress... I never wanted to live with someone again but I opened myself to the possibility and it scared me... Even getting married when I swore I'd be single forever... Hell I even contemplated the idea to have sex someday but I couldn't because I'm asexual and I felt guilty because it's very important for men... I thought of saving money even though I'm poor to help him play for the plane ticket and meet sooner...

And when I thought that we could share videos so we could meet and share warmth before years... I was so happy! It was scary and embarrassing, but it was a step... I thought it was what he'd want... because he kept saying how much he wanted us to be together offline... but then... he refused... and when he finally did... he was so intensely aggressive, my smile slowly faded... I got shaky and cried... completely and utterly heartbroken... because I saw that everything was a lie... that his love was a lie.. that he didn't want to be with me... that he bullshitted me... and I wept... I felt sick... I felt devastated... but even though I never do... I tried reconnecting... I tried to slowly rebuild my trust and feel loved...

But for Valentine's day he was sad that he didn't beat me at drawing even though he didn't even try... If I was to have a better salary instead of being invalid, would he beat me up and refuse to let me out of the house!? And after a week trying to control the rage of my wounded survival instinct... When I anted to forgive everything and open my heart anyway... I only needed him to be willing to do his best to avoid hurting me again... To help me by meeting me half way... He didn't even want to try... Because it was easier for him to let me do it all... to let me suffer... I am not writing this for him... but for myself...

My dear self... you truly did your best and everything that you could... It truly isn't acceptable... and you've suffered enough. Time to let go and move on.

Lisa Of Shades
16 March 2016

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